It Is Finished.
Yeah, baby!! You have no idea how glad I am that it's all over. No. Earthly. Idea. And now, it's on to bigger and better things---if the Lord is willing, South Korea... sweet. That would just be awesome. 24/7, livin' out loud, 100% GOD. Awesome!!
At any rate... I'm having a hard time with some "corporate worship" issues... The Holy Spirit has really been doing a work in me, and helping me to understand what it is, and what it means, and what my role as a leader during such a time is... But at the same time, it's opening my eyes to what others are doing as well--in terms of performing vs. leading, etc... I've tried to gently broach the subject with my worship leader and team, but it's not being received well, or just being ignored, heh. But it really bothers me--times when we are overtly performing, rather than leading them into the presence of God... when we are so consumed with the dynamics of a song that we neglect those that we are supposed to bring along with us... Does this make sense to y'all? Does anyone else struggle with this, or at least know what I mean? I feel like we aren't being genuine worshipers, that we are neglecting Spirit and Truth. I don't know, I need to do more praying about it...
I'm going to go fiddle around in the living room now--throwing bunches of stuff away. Y'know what's really awesome? Blessing someone... y'know, with stuff you don't need. It's such a great feeling. I want to do it all the time. Ok, gonna run for a while.
Love God, love others, love life, and live it OUT LOUD! Live and leave a legacy that points straight to Him!!
-Jack-
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Post Script: DISNEY
Totally forgot to tell y'all: Tate and I were taken to Disney all day yesterday and it was SO GREAT. It was such a wonderful blessing. Pastor Scott came and took us, along with his son. It was really nice to get away--and it was a first for Tate and me. Can you believe that? I'm so embarrassed to admit that! LOL
At any rate, we had a lot of fun. Tate was rather well-behaved for a two-year-old who went literally ALL DAY without a nap, though I did discover that I am a HORRIBLE mother, heh. Yes, apparently, Tate knows he can manipulate me with fussing and crying. When I'm not there, he doesn't fuss... Thanks SO MUCH for bringing this to my attention, Pastor Scott. You're just so perceptive... :-p Kidding. I'm actually very glad to find this out. It helps me be a better mother. But that's not all that makes me horrible. I ALSO forgot my camera. My child's first ever trip to Disney, and I, the GENIUS that I am, forget the camera. Stellar, Mom... just stellar.
Anyway. Just thought I'd tell you. I had a great day. All thanks to Pastor Scott & Son. They're awesome.
-Jack-
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Only One More To Go!!!!!!
Woooo-hoooooooo!!! I only have ONE show left, and I'm DONE. Oh, YAY! I'm so excited!! I'm sorry, I've just been aching to be finished with this show from the get-go.
In other news: I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately. Things have been kinda crazy--as usual. Mom's home from the hospital. She's doing well. She's going to try to make it to our friend's baptism tomorrow... Actually, he's more like the family pet (in a good way). We love our Brad. He's our precioussss.
Ok, now for the really crazy stuff: I'm thinking about going to South Korea. I don't know how it will all work just yet, but I've been praying about it, and talking with some people... I've just really been frustrated in my job search, in terms of no longer wanting to serve man, but rather God. Do you ever feel that way? I do. I'm driving around town, resume in hand, thinking "God, please, let me at least find a Christian company to work for... I just want to work for you, and follow you moment to moment. I want to work for You, full-time..." I don't want to work a job, and serve God. I want to work for God... does that make sense?
So anyway, I've been talking to a teacher from ICS-Pyongtaek (in South Korea). He says the kids over there are just dying for someone to come teach them drama. Talk about God being ALL OVER THAT. How cool is that?? But the major flaw with this whole thing is that I don't have a teaching certificate--I don't even have a Bachelor's. All I have is a really suped-up Associate's. So I don't know. I'm going to wait a few days and then email the principal to see if he's interested in me anyway. I mean, I am a little qualified, lol.
At any rate... please continue to keep my mother in your prayers. And if you think about it, be praying for God's will in this S. Korea situation. I'd really love to be able to do it.
I've missed y'all!! Drop me a line. Live it UP, peoples!
-Jack-
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I Was Mistaken...
I'm not going to bed just yet... Sometimes I think my blog is my only good friend, lol (apart from God, that is), and so since I need a friend, I'm going to spend some time with my blog...
Hi blog. How are you? Oh, that's good to hear. I'm sorry I don't come out and play more.
Ok, nevermind, I can't do this either. I'm reading Joyce Meyer's Me and My Big Mouth... and we're not supposed to think or say negative things... Well, I'm not capable of controlling the thoughts just yet, so I'll control my mouth... or in this case, my hands. Here goes nothing:
I am not feeling sad or depressed or lonely or scared. Those are not wholesome or Godly, and I am giving them to God. Here you go, God. Have at them. I'll go to bed and let You work on them awhile, since my working on them seems to make things worse.
I keep telling myself I need to spend more time cultivating deeper friendships. But I have no time as it is. How do y'all make time for stuff like that? Tate's getting very clingy and fussy lately. I've been away a lot. My dad keeps harping me to spend every available moment out looking for a job. So on my "weekend" when I usually get to be with Tate, I've been leaving him with my sister to go put in resumes and whatnot. I hate it, he hates it... Ok, that's negative too. Egads. I'm going to bed.
-Jack-
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Good Site
Really good site... please check it out. And pray for them.
Not having a good night... gonna go to bed now. Mom comes home tomorrow, so there's something to be thankful for. Thank you so much for all your prayers... I'm still scared, though. Everyone's just sort of being quiet about her actual condition. I don't think she's going to be around much longer... Wow, that's hard. I gotta go.
-Jack-
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Confliction
Am I the most conflicted person alive? I feel confliction in nearly every breath I take, it seems. And I'm even conflicted about how I feel about it (egads). Do I feel gloriously grateful because that means I can hear the Holy Spirit working in me? Or do I feel dejected because I can obviously still hear my flesh? And what about those moments of confliction when it seems that both sides are good but they are different? I'm just so conflicted, lol.
At any rate, don't mean to confuse you. I just have so many questions, you know? I've technically been a Christian since the tender age of about 7, but I so often feel like I'm just starting out, a baby, a new believer, because there is so much I don't know, so much to learn, so much I haven't done that I should have done years ago. On the one hand it's discouraging, that I've been a child of God for so long and have done so little about it, taken it so lightly... and on the other hand, it's exhilirating, because of my awareness of self and my ability to really absorb and analyze what I hear and see and learn, and then turn around and take action. It is because of the joy and excitement that I know God has me right where He wants me. I just wish He'd tell me where W/we're going next :-)
I'll stop for a bit. I may or may not post anything more tonight. Just not sure yet. If not, just an update on mom: the "infection" is not an infection after all... it's cancer. It's right there on the outside of her body. It is literally eating through her. Please... please, pray. I know I'm asking for a lot of prayer, but what else am I to do? I'm sorry... and thank you.
I need to go now.
-Jack-
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Woo-hoo!! Yay for Maxx! He has officially obliterated the pesky blank box. My eternal gratitude, Brother.
-Jack-
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Thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU!!!
Thank you so very, very much to all of you who have been praying for my mother. She has made miraculous improvement! Today, she moved out of her bed and into a chair, sitting up in it for some time. And she ate a little more solid food. She got moved out of ICU tonight!!! WOO-HOO! God is so awesome! **dances a little jig in her chair**
In other news: I still need to find a "real job"... That phrase makes me shudder. I've never been too terribly conventional, and I'm certainly not a conformist. I'm not the 9-5er, sit-behind-a-desk-and-do-the-same-thing-over-and-over-all-day-long kind o' gal. That's one of the reasons that theater has been so great. Y'know what I'd really love to do, though? Just serve God, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, ministering to the needs of others, impacting lives, and furthering His kingdom. Guess I should've thought of that before I got a divorce, eh? Such is life, my friends. We each have lessons to learn. So now the go-out-and-get-it-done kind o' gal has to find some way to reconcile her circumstances and her heart. Or she could just get out of the way and let God work His will.
***this is where we foil the attempts
of the pesky little blank box***
I got some mind-blowing confirmation tonight about the dream I have for my life. It was so uncannily spot-on. And the greatest part is that it's been right under my nose for nearly a year, and I never saw it before tonight. His timing is fabulous too. Don't quite know exactly what I'm supposed to do with it right this second, but I trust Him. He'll tell me when the time comes.
That probably meant very little to all of you, lol. Don't mean to be cryptic, just don't have it all worked out yet... I need to sit down and spend a lot of time in prayer to write out my vision.
Ok, I'm so unbelievably tired... I was "supposed" to be in bed about two and a half hours ago... (sorry!). Just got caught up reading and searching and praying. Happens to everyone, right? ;-)
I'm so tired I'm actually dizzy. Yes, and my feeble little mind is attempting to analyze the peculiar physical sensations as they occur, while in a less-than-ideal condition... It's all very amusing, because serious use of my mental capacity in such a state is causing further physical manifestations of my mental disorientation. It's a big dizzy cycle. And on that note, I retire for the night.
Thank you again for your prayers. You've no idea how much it means...
Love God, love others, love life, and live it out loud. Live and leave a legacy that points straight to Him.
-Jack-
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Juxtaposed...
That's how I feel... I think, lol. I'm feeling a lot happier than I have any right to. I had a really good night tonight. I didn't think I was going to, and then I got a wonderful surprise, and it turned everything around... It was more than I needed, and I'm so grateful for that. It was more than I'd hoped for, and it was good... heck, it was great! (And this is where I sigh contentedly...)
HA! I just came up with a new word: "Jaxtaposed"... or should I spell it "Jackstaposed"? Hehe... Ahh, life can be so strange. But as long as God is in it, strange is good.
On a much more serious note: Got some very bad news about mom today. All told, she has 48 hours to show marked improvement or she's not going to make it. The cancer has gone crazy, spreading itself all over. They know for sure that it is completely through her chest cavity (still waiting for reports on the lungs themselves, though), all through her bones, into her spine, and up into her neck. We knew this was a possibility, but things had just been looking so good, you know? But this is the most aggressive form of cancer out there, so we knew it this could happen. But the major problem now is that other body functions are tripping up. Her BP is low, her heart rate is high, her kidneys are not functioning properly, her incision site is infected... Unless these things normal out considerably, they can't treat the cancer (if they tried now, it would do nothing but kill her, due to the stress her body is already under).
Please, I beg you, please pray for my mother... pray that the pain stops, pray for peace for her... pray for wisdom for the doctors, and peace and understanding for our family... and if you can, please--PLEASE--pray for a miracle... pray that God touches her, and heals her. Please... I just don't think I'm ready to let go yet...
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a downer, I really don't. My mother is my best friend... I live 2 blocks from her, for crying out loud... I see her everyday... I still call her for instructions every time I cook a roast (not because I don't remember...). She is such a blessing to everyone she meets. I just want God to leave her here a while longer.
I think I'm going to go lie down now... Physically, I feel better than I have since she was diagnosed, heh. But emotionally, I'm still pretty conflicted. Part of me is on cloud nine... another part is somewhere in the vicinity of the seventh layer of hell... and still another is sitting back going, "Um, Jack? What are we here, babe?" Thank you again to all those of you leaving comments (and those who aren't: you know who you are--get busy!) and emails. I'll reply to the emails in the next couple of days, I promise. Things are just kinda crazy right now.
Worship Him, praise His name, cry out your love for Him, even in the midst of a storm... especially in the midst of a storm.
-Jack-
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That's The Spirit!
Way to go for leaving comments! **APPLAUSE**
In other news.... I am sooooo tired, lol. Have y'all noticed how much I've been blogging lately? It's downright uncanny. Tate hasn't thrown up so far tonight, so that's a plus. Everyone else seems to be on the road to recovery as well. And I still need to find a job. Thank you to those of you praying for that. I hear Wal-Mart has good benefits... it'd be great to get into their buyer-training program (Super-Walmart is the GREATEST STORE EVER).
Let's see... what else? I don't know, I can't think straight. I'm going to start moving up my bedtime. I need to be a good girl and train myself to get up early if I ever hope to get and keep a real job, heh. I'm just so used to staying up late and getting up late now. UGH!! I don't want to put Tate in daycare...
Ok, there's a topic. I know this is going to sound archaic, but I want to stay home and raise my child. Now, don't everyone rush to tell me that I can't do that, since I have no husband and am going about the whole family-thing wrong--I know this already, lol. But it kills me, it really does. I believe that it is MY job to raise him, to teach him, to guide his ways and help to mold him into a man of God... it's not some random daycare-worker's job. See what happens when you walk outside of God's will?? Trust me, people... it makes things REALLY rough. So I don't have a choice, unless God drops either a large amount of money, or a husband (same thing, right?? LOL!!!) in my lap... (I so funny!)
Ok, I'll end this post now so I can go to bed. So sorry to those of you looking forward to another 3-post night. Ain't gonna happen. Love God with every fiber of your being!!!
-Jack-
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What IS That!?!?
Where is that stupid little rectangular blank spot coming from?? I can't find it in my coding anywhere, so what's it doing there? It's driving me crazy. I want it gone, so that y'all can see ALL of what I'm saying...
Oh wait... um, I wonder if y'all can even see it. Is it just on my computer? Ok, then, I'll just ask you: do you typically see a blanked out spot in my posts? Because I do... Hmmm, maybe I'm just special, and it only comes to visit me...
Yeah, I know, I'm a little loopy. But it's 3am, people, what do you expect? I'm going to bed now. And Pastor Scott: I read it TWICE. :-p
Live it "UP", people.
-Jack-
Hmmm, if I plan my posts just right, I can make it blank out a spot with no words that is otherwise already "blank".... yeah, that's just too much effort.
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Thoughts on 1 John...
Some thoughts and questions... Don't mind me, I'm thinking out loud now.
Chapter 2, verse 2: He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.
Ok, I've been thinking on how we are judged also for the sins of omission, not just commission... I know I'm probably four-wheeling right over the point of the verse, but it triggered a thought: I am fairly sure that we are also to ask forgiveness for the sins of the world, namely our society, our government, etc. But how are we to be asking? Do we ask Him to forgive us for not preventing? Do we ask Him to forgive them for committing? Do we ask Him to forgive us for committing (as though we participated by not preventing)? Do we ask in all these ways? Ok, moving on...
Chapter 2, verse 15: Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
Here's something that itches at my minute little mind: has our overuse and misuse of the word "love" become a problem with regards to this verse? I just told someone tonight that I "love" food... But that is not true (I hope). I thoroughly enjoy food, the stimulation of my sense of taste. But I do not serve food as my master, I do not seek to know and obey food, I do not center my life around it (I hope). It is a necessary thing for survival, which I seek to bring enjoyment to, to add to the purely utilitarian function. All that hodge-podge being said, heh.... I now have two questions: does my desire for the "physical enjoyment of taste", the "pleasure of eating" remove me from God, as it were? Not saying that I am stricken from the Book of Life, but does it remove me as other sin does? Is it a sin? ...because I desire some fulfillment of flesh, that has nothing to do with God or His Will... And second, is that love? We have skewed the definition of love by misusing and overusing... does that then work against us? Do we come closer to love of something just by saying it? Surely I don't actually love my new favorite scent from Bath & Body Works... but when I tell one of my girlfriends about it, I still say: "Oh, you have to try it, I love it, it smells so good!". Does my lack of reverence, as it were, for the word "love" and what it should mean change its meaning? If it does, then that means I really do love lotion.
Perhaps I should just be more careful with that word...
Stepping back for a moment, 1 John sure does have me fearing for my salvation... Heh, that's funny, because then it says in Chaper 4, verse 18: There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (On a side note, I found that verse a few weeks ago, right when I needed it. I was being pressured for a decision, and I just didn't know and was afraid... I came across that verse and it was like "BOOM!! DUH!! It's not real love then, you goof." That probably makes no sense to any of you... Anyway...)
I am systematically trying to die to my flesh, so that I won't sin, so that I can walk as Jesus did. But isn't it funny that we can't even do that ourselves? God has to help us with that too. It's a process I'm none too fond of, because all it seems to be doing sometimes is pointing out just how rotten I am.
Wow, my brain just went off on a 10 minute trip on that one. Welcome back, Jack. I was just thinking about how there are times when I've crawled into bed at the end of the day, and started chatting with God... and the Holy Spirit has to remind me to ask forgiveness for my sins... And there are even times when I can't even remember my sins, but I know I've committed them. For instance, I know I've surely laughed at something inappropriate, or had unclean thoughts, or ignored a tug from the Holy Spirit just to keep from rocking the boat. I've walked, often oblivious, right through His will and to my own, and I'm so accustomed to doing it that I don't even notice sometimes. That horrifies me...
Anyway, this post is getting really long, I'm sorry. I'll give your pretty little heads a rest. Sweet dreams, darlings.
Love God, love others, love life--live it OUT LOUD, and leave a legacy!
-Jack-
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And They All Fell Down...
Well, doubled over, at any rate. Tate threw up last night... My little brother threw up all night... My neice threw up all night... My little sister started throwing up this morning... And now my older sister is feeling the illness come upon her own person. Fabulous. LOL. It's really strange, because I feel just fine. Mom's still in the hospital, so she's ok (I think... my brother started throwing up right after he came home from visiting her... oops). And so far Dad seems alright. Well, hey, it's something to pray for, anyway. Egads.
JPGC Assignment for today: Tell people how great God is. Just walk up to some random stranger and say: "Do you have any idea how awesome God is??" with appropriate enthusiasm. Then walk away, smiling and whistling. Better yet, with a spring in your step. If they do know, they'll be encouraged. If they don't, it will intrigue them at the very least, and maybe even have them chasing you down. Give it a try. It can't hurt, right? And if it should somehow happen to, then I'll personally come over and kiss your boo-boo. :-)
Tell them.
-Jack-
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(Insert Big, Heavy Sigh Here)
Tate just threw up again... I don't understand. He was getting better. He didn't throw up at all yesterday, and the *aherm*... stoole problem was getting better as the day went on... and now all of the sudden we're back to square one. My poor baby... He's back asleep now, but I'll be up for a bit to make sure there isn't an encore.
In other news, I have a new favorite song. I think it's an old one, even though I just heard it for the first time last week. It's sooooooooo good, though. Jaci Velasquez - I Will Rest In You. Wow... that song just hit the spot--hard.
take me back to...
the place that I once knew, as a little child
constantly the eyes of God watched over me....
oh, i want to be...
in the place that I once knew, as a little child
fall into the bed of faith prepared for me...
I will rest in You...
I will rest in You...
I will rest in You...
Rest in Him.
-Jack-
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Another Day, Another... yeah.
I didn't earn any money today, because it was my day off. Hehe. Mom's still in the hospital, they still aren't sure what's causing all the pain. My little brother was vomiting all night, and my son still has the "stoole" problem, though not as seriously as yesterday. So there ya have it, and there ya are.
Do you people have any idea how awesome God is? I mean seriously... do you ever stop and just think about how unbelievably great He is? I do... He just floors me. Straight up leaves my mouth hanging open. I cannot even comprehend half of how great He is. He loves me... He actually loves me... ME. The big screw-up, the idiot, the sinner, the smoker, the single mom, the (ever-so-slightly) neurotic chick from some suburb of some city in some state... He knows me better than I know myself. How cool is that???
Yeah, so I mentioned courtship a few days ago. I've been hearing a lot about it lately. It's very intriguing. It appears to me, basically, to be a return to the basics, a step or three backward in our cultural evolution (which I'm ALL for)... Do any of you like the sound of that? I really do... I want to be courted. I want to do it right. We all know I've certainly tried the wrong way, heh. But I wasn't joking when I said sometimes I wish my father would just arrange a marraige for me. I really wish sometimes that he would. I think we take relationships way too far before marraige. I don't want to know every possible thing there is to know about the ever-elusive "him" before I take the plunge. I want there to be excitement and discovery AFTER the vows.
Which brings me to another angle of the marriage conundrum: I think the reason courtship has not been as universally successful in its original form is because we have lost our basic unified ideals and morals. As a nation, as a society, a people, America's core is volatile. It used to be that almost everyone was raised in generally the same way, in terms of learning values, morals, etc. The majority of American families operated the same way, valued the same things. Men had their roles, and women had theirs. But the lines and margins and directions have been so thoroughly skewed that no one can make anything out of it anymore. I can't trust that a man that finds me attractive and interesting isn't going to be some kind of lazy bum that wants me to dominate his life and be a big femi-nazi. I'm not sure, but... I think when I'm asked out, I'm supposed to offer to pay now. What is THAT???? There's no common ground, no basic understanding of how things work anymore, because they "work" (though mostly unsuccessfully) so many different ways now.
Does this make sense to anyone? I hope so, because I'm just sort of rambling. I'm not even going to proofread for typos, lol. Can't wait to hear what you think about it all.
Just for something to do, here's a really great article for y'all to read--it can bless singles and married folk alike! Enjoy...
Live out loud, my friends!
-Jack-
P.S. - Hey, Pastor Scott, I don't understand 1 Tim 2:15. Could you explain it please? Is it a contextual thing I'm missing? Thanks!
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Disclaimer and Explanation for Preceeding Post
Yeah, I just wanted to prepare you, I suppose, for the post that I just put up before this. It's harsh. I talk rather negatively about things like therapy and counselling, and I don't want any of you to take it the wrong way. I'm talking about mainstream, non-Christian psychiatry and psychology. Please take me literally in the essay below--I say things like "95%", etc. So even in referring to secular therapy, I'm not saying it's "all" useless. I just wanted to head some of this off at the pass. I don't want to anger or alienate anyone (or get emails calling me narrow-minded and heard-hearted, lol). Because if you get to know me, I'm really not--at all... ok, well maybe slightly narrow-minded, since I refuse to believe anything contrary to the Bible, lol. But you know what I mean. And I do believe that many wonderful things can be accomplished through therapy--but usually it only happens when you allow God to work in the healing process.
What I'm trying to say is: I'm sorry, I have no tact sometimes... but I believe there are times when God wants people to speak plainly, without tact... to say it like it is. It's often a really good way to get someone's attention.
Ok, I've posted WAY too much tonight. Enjoy!
And remember: Love God, love others, love life--live it OUT LOUD, and leave a legacy!
-Jack-
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The Deep End of Jack's Pool (WARNING: VERY LONG POST)
Ok, I've decided it's time to give you another glimpse into Jack's Deep End. It's high time I give you a better understanding of who I am. So, here's a little something I wrote for a professor when asked what I learned in her Human Sexuality class (please believe me, I exhausted all other options trying to find some other class to replace it). The assignment was to be in response to a worksheet that required us to examine our own sexual histories. The last portion of the worksheet required us to rate the difficulty we had with completing the exercise, and then to expand on what we felt we had learned in the class:
"""""This exercise was fairly easy for me. All I had to to was think about the question and what happened in my past. I didn't have trouble remembering anything, I wasn't disturbed by having to think about the things in my childhood or sexual past. There was no pressure; no one knew what I was thinking except God, and He already knows all that.
I don't think I really learned anything about myself, persay. I mean, I know what I've felt and thought and done sexually, because I'm the one who felt it and thought it and did it. I know what happened in my childhood, I know what kind of home I grew up in, what kind of parents I had. I guess I just honestly don't know what I could have learned. Perhaps if someone had never thought about the fact that they never had a fantasy, and then they were asked if that fact bothered them, I could see how they would then learn that that isn't considered normal by some. I suppose there was really nothing for me to learn from this exercise.
Actually, wait just a second. I think you could say I learned that I know a lot about myself. I didn't realize that people wouldn't already know these sorts of things about themselves.
I don't think I'm at risk for future sexual problems anymore than I think I have them now. I guess I don't really take the same approach to these sorts of issues as many other people. I don't go around looking for problems or thinking about the likelihood of their occurence. I think my past does not dictate my future in the same way it might for someone else with a similar past. I think past sexual abuse is just that--past. I think past emotional or physical abuse is the same. I'm increasingly aggravated by people who use past issues in their life to excuse their current behavioral problems. I think every human being needs to take responsibility for themselves and, to be blunt, grow up. I'm not trying to be flippant or disagreeable, just honest. If I had a sexual problem, I probably wouldn't do a single thing about it. To me, sexual problems rank pretty low on the list of things that are important in life. That's not to say I'd refuse to address it if it became a true issue in my life, say if it were to seriously disrupt my marraige. But even at that point, I highly doubt I'd ever see any kind of sex therapist or something like that. I've just never been able to really respect that arena of science. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they've helped do some wonderful things, but I think mostly all they really do is focus and propel a process that about 95% of their clients would have gotten to and through eventually without the help. I just think it's unnecessary and people today are using therapy and counselors and the like as a crutch, an excuse, a way to escape. I think people need to face up to the harsh realities of life and stop expecting everything to look and feel all warm and fuzzy all the time. I don't say this out of disrespect for people who see therapists, I say this from a perspective of personal experience. I've probably been through more in my life than most therapists hear about from all the clients on their schedule combined. But do you see me moping around, crying at the drop of a dime, expecting everyone around me to let me slide through life because I've had a rough go of it? Absolutely not and you never will. I didn't come to this attitude by spending half my life on a therapist's couch or even talking with a parent or youth leader or anything like that. I realized that life is too short to waste focusing on things you have no control over. Furthermore, I'd rather be admired than pitied. So I need to "suck it up" and get on with my life because I'm the only one who can do that. I'm sorry if I come across harshly, I just think it's a total and complete rip-off for the rest of the world when someone doesn't do precisely that.
I think the impact this course has had or will have on my life is to strengthen my own personal convictions and beliefs. It has given me some wonderful knowledge about STDs and the risks and dangers associated with sexual intercourse. It has given me a deeper glimpse into the mainstream concerning sexual views and values, and has taught me that I was not very far off in how I previously assumed our society held these things. It has shown me firsthand just how far off track we have gotten and that we, as a society, have no intention of getting back on yet. This class has taught me that I am abnormal because I am traditional. This class has taught me that family values have nothing to do with family anymore. This class has taught me that I have problems and issues that need to be worked out with therapists because I believe God created man and woman in such a way that they would marry and then reproduce. Funny, that's what the people who brought us to America in the first place believed too.
I will probably make a few small changes in my life as a result of what I have learned in this class. I will probably replace trust with fear. I will probably demand that my future husband be tested for all manner of diseases before we wed. While it is good to know beforehand, it's a shame that I feel I have to resort to those means to find out. Please do not take these statements the wrong way, Professor. They are not directed at you, but rather at my experience. And I gladly admit that I am a better person for having taken your class (though that may not be excerpted without using this entire paragraph and the one directly preceeding it, that it may not be misleading). But with each class I take, I learn more than just the material presented. I learn about myself, and sometimes even about those around me or the society in which we operate. I have learned some of all of that in your class, and I am glad to have had the experience. If nothing else, it has fortified my appreciation for the way I was raised and galvanized my ideas and my actions. Even if the process was often uncomfortable, the outcome was positive. And besides, the strongest of vessels is forged by fire."""""
So there's an idea of how I feel about our culture's take on sex vs. what I know to be right and Godly. Hope this helps. I don't post these things to start arguments or offend people. I do it so that perhaps someone who feels similarly might be encouraged to speak up where they were afraid to before. And if I happen to spark intelligent debate at the same time, then that, my friends, is just fine by me. Have a good night. And thanks for stopping by...
Love God... that means obey Him... even when it's unpopular.
-Jack-
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It's Official!
Alright, people, it's official: I have too many books. They are systematically taking over my life. They reside on every major, minor, and sub-minor surface of my home. One of the more frightening aspects of this dilemna is that every time I look at an aforementioned surface, the books previously occupying the plane have vanished, only to be replaced by different ones. It's really starting to scare me. Is there an "-Anonymous" group for Compulsive Readers? The most frightening thing of all is that I've already read them all... And I'm fidgeting nervously at the prospect of having nothing to read... I think I'm beginning to twitch... alkfj... yes, I am twitching.
In other news: Mom is still in the hospital, and Tate has... (um, how can I put this delicately?) ...loose stooles. Loverly.
I just spotted more books... gkalj.
-Jack-
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That was just plain weird...
Well, it's 2:30am on Sunday morning. I'm supposed to be up in 5 hours for church... Loverly. Yeah, see, I was gonna go to bed, but it's hard to do when your two year old starts fussing... and even harder still when he proceeds to throw up all over you, his bed, his room, the hallway, and (finally) every major surface of the bathroom, including the magazine basket... The only thing he missed was the mirror.
And it's also hard to go to bed immediately following such an awesome display of gastrointestinal dysfunction. Why? Because it's so completely uncharacteristic of this particular 2 yr old. He's never done that before. Ever. I mean never, ever, EVER. The Tater-Tot is FREAKISHLY healthy (not to be confused with mine own characteristic of being freakishly normal).
He had a playdate on Tuesday with a little girl who had been ill, but her non-well-being had been attributed to something she ate (she's cute as a button, by the way). Coincidence? Or.... misdiagnosis !?!? LOL. Ok, anyway. The little girl continued to throw up through the night, so now I guess I'm waiting to see if Tate will do the same.
Sweet dreams, my preciousssss...
-Jack-
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Time for a nap...
I just thought I'd let y'all know... I'm going to take a 45 minute nap now. Yay for me. I just hope I can fall asleep in that short a time period. I never get to take naps anymore... I love them... so nice and warm and cozy... ah, just the word "nap" conjures images of restfulness, contentment....
If there's ever anything y'all want to discuss, be sure and let me know. Everything I write comes off the top of my head, and I've had a lot floating in there lately. Be prepared for more depth (coming soon to a blog near you... namely, this one).
Mom's back in the hospital. They found gallstones a few weeks ago, but they weren't causing any problems. But yesterday, she started having a lot of abdominal pain after physical therapy, so they sent her in. Don't know how long she'll be there, please keep her in your prayers. Thanks. I'm not sure what God has up His sleeve for her, but I know He loves her and is working out His plan for her.
I'm reading Charles Colsen's Loving God right now... and he talks about how the way to love God is to obey Him... Loving God is obeying God. I think I need to start by spending more time studying His Word. How can I obey His commands if I don't know those commands? Ok, forget the nap. I'm gonna go dive into the Bible. Have a great evening!
-Jack-
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Updates On Jackville (warning!! contains "Fiddler" spoilers!!)
So here I am again, still not properly keeping up with my blog. Though I've found some other very nice ones to share with you: Scott seems like a really great guy, trying to figure his way through God's will for his life. You should definitely check him out (though he does seem to be lacking an "ABOUT ME" section, so I'm having to piece together an idea of just who he is--that's a not-so-subtle hint, Scott!!). And I found this really cool blog that appears to now be defunct, but it's still there. It's these two guys (well, and a girl, actually) as they discuss and debate things--namely courting.
I've been hearing a LOT about courting all of the sudden lately. And I must say the idea appeals to me greatly. Sometimes I secretly wish that my father would just arrange a marraige for me (well, I guess it's not so secret anymore, lol). I hope that doesn't freak any of you out. Rather, I really hope some of you can identify with that. But more on that later. I'm trying to keep this post light-hearted.
At any rate... we had the funniest show today. We all lost it at one time or another onstage. First, during the "New Arrival" scene at the tailor-shop, Motel (pronounced Moddle or Muddle, not mow-tel) tests a newly sewn piece of fabric to show off his new sewing machine, tugging at the stitch, etc... Well, today when he did, it ripped right down the seam!! It was hysterical!! Then, during the "Chavala Sequence" (when Tevya learns of Chava running off with Fietka), the choreography includes first Motel, then Perchik coming down the aisle to the stage to cart off their respective women... So when Motel comes down, some lady's walker falls over right into his path and he trips on it... then when Perchik comes down, another woman has set her purse on the stage steps, so he's stumbling trying to get around it and her as she's frantically trying to get her purse out of the way. It was just way too funny!! Then, right after we receive the news that we have 3 days to get out of Anatevka, one of the guys is supposed to say "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth"... Well, he lifts his fist and shakes it, and instead of saying the line, he starts choking!! So we're all just sort of like... uhhhhh... not sure if we should pat his back or wait or what. Finally, after about 30 seconds he literally "chokes" it out, and the scene goes on. I whisper to him to see if he's ok, and he starts cracking up. So, NATURALLY, I start to break too... I duck my head to hide my face and regain composure... and what do I see? My apron is on inside out! So in an effort to keep from completely losing it, I grab the nearest woman and we hug mightily in our "grief"... So I whisper in her ear that my apron is on inside out and she first snorts loudly, then chokes it back, then cracks completely! It was absolutely insane today!! But then tonight's show came off well, without any major mishaps. Ahhhh... all in a day's work.
Ok, this is getting to be a really long post. I'll stop for now. Live out loud, people!
-Jack-
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Nothing but despair...
I've found nothing to write about... ok, so I didn't really look all that much. I just saw an article about a baby that was revived after having been pronounced dead... drowning accident. I'm so glad that the baby survived... but all I could think was "How on EARTH could a 20 month old baby get into a pool on a lovely friday morning with no one aware??? Has the mother lost her mind??? Why wasn't there a pool fence??? Has no one any sense around here??? If you've got a baby and can't safeguard the pool, Then. Don't. Have. A. Pool... Is it that hard??? Are we more concerned about our status than our CHILDREN???"
I admit that's rather harsh, but it just mortified me. Install some stinking out of reach locks on your doors for crying out loud. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so hard on people... but as a mother, that just horrifies me... I can't stand the thought of taking chances with my son's safety.
So on that thought, despair started setting in... Satan loves to wheedle into my head when I've had any kind of negative thought or heard any negative news. And now I'm all depressed about wanting to go to HILC... It seems so hopeless... I don't see how I'm going to come up with the $75,000(US) it's going to take to cover getting out of debt, getting there, and staying there to study for two years as a single mom. UGH! Frustrating and hopeless...
But then, I suppose, I'm not supposed to "come up with it". If it falls within God's will, He'll provide the way. All I have to do is follow Him, and do as He says.
Which brings me to another struggle... I've been struggling with having faith lately, and hope... It's like I'm afraid to hope, y'know? Like "Ok, Jack, don't get your hopes up, just be realistic." Could someone please point out the scripture that states we should "be realistic"? How is this stuff getting in my head? I know it's stupid... it stems from fear. I trust God, but I don't trust others, or anything in the world it seems... and that's causing me to act out of fear.
God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of love, and of power, and of a sound mind.
I'm gonna go now... I need to do some serious praying.
I love you all, I really do. Leave me lots of comments, it really brightens my day. And I love getting your emails too. Remember: God really does love you. You are a son or a daughter of THE KING... The One and The Only... The Most High... You are His CHILD. You don't have to know the plan He has for you, because He does. Just go with it.
-Jack-
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I need a job...
I won't be auditioning for any theater for a while, for time and financial reasons. I need a regular "day-job", that pays enough to cover bills and daycare. Any suggestions? I'd love to hear them. I've completed an Associates (with a WHOLE lot of extra coursework) degree (of Arts = A.A.)... I have a wide variety of experience in just about every major area. I want to do something worthwhile and interesting.
I'll just sit here now, twiddling my thumbs, waiting to hear your grand ideas.
-Jack-
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I'm such a bad blogger...
I know, I should be flogged. If this were a diary, I'd have lost it by now. I'm sorry I've been so random the last few weeks... Lots going on, blah blah... the usual. I'll try to do better.
Well, in other news, Doreen has put comments on her blog! Yay! You can thank me now. Kidding! At any rate, check her out, she's awesome and such a wonderful girl of God.
Hmmm... what else? I'm going to go surf around and find out what's happening in the world. I feel a little disconnected from it all. See you in a bit, when I have more to talk about.
Oh, and by the way, I'm off Frumah Sarah until further notice, for those of you planning a cross-continental pilgrimage to come see me...yeah, ok, I'm pushing it, lol. At any rate, my voice was just getting worse and worse, and all signs point to nodes, so I'm taking some major time off. I'll still sing on Sundays, but that's it. And if I'm still not healing well, I'll stop singing on Sundays for a while too. Please keep me in your prayers, if you remember.
Oh, and mom's doc just added a new medication to her chemo each week. It's making her even more tired and even more sick, so please please, remember her as well... Thanks!
Love God, love others, love life, live it OUT LOUD, and leave a legacy!!
-Jack-
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The Red Haze Passes...
Yeah, so a few days ago, I wrote a really really really long post... we're talking a contender for longest blog post ever written... I went to post and publish, and lo and stinkin' behold, blogger decided it was time to go down for maintenance... It. Ate. My. Entire. Post.
I saw red... as the title indicates... And I'm still seeing pink enough to say I'll just summarize and leave it at that.
My sister is not addicted to anything, she needs drama and attention, she needs other people to run her life. She cannot handle the responsibility of maturity. So she feigns a considerable lack thereof. And in so doing, she continually causes pain to the members of my family. She has cost the family a small fortune in detox and rehab bills, losses on college tuition, etc, etc, etc...
The brevity I've engaged for this discussion is not to be taken as insensitivity or any other ill-feeling. It is meant simply as a way to impart on you a basic understanding of the circumstance.
I had left off that she was in rehab... well, she's not anymore. She signed herself out, once more quitting early and stating that she's (for lack of a better brevity-minded term) "all better. Time will tell, I suppose.
At any rate, I'm sorry I've been away so long. I know how much you all rely on my altogether frenetic mind to supply you with... well, whatever it is I supply you with, I suppose. Fear not, my little ones, Her Majesty, The Great Randomness is still here, in all her glory... she's just had a lot going on lately.
I tell ya, peoples, I think I'll lose my mind if I don't start this worship service thing soon. I just feel like my whole life is on hold while I finish out this dad-gum contract at the theater.
I don't think anyone truly understands my passion for worship... I'm being totally serious, I want to spend ALL DAY, EVERY DAY worshipping, and encouraging and helping others to do the same... I want to inspire, I want to INCITE! I want to coax people out of their comfort zones... or at least expand their zones... I want people ALL OVER THE WORLD to dance, laugh, and sing to the Lord, without reservation, without inhibition... I want everyone to experience what I do when I worship God. And the greatest thing of all, is that I haven't experienced it all! I know it gets so much deeper. And I'm so EAGER for that depth...
Ok... I'm going to stop for now. I have lots to tell you, and I do believe I'll post again before the night is through, but I must go for now. I've missed you, my little prreecccioussseeesssss...
GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
-Jack-
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