Frustration, ignorance, and crumbs...
WHAT are You doing?? Seriously!!
Can I just be frank for a minute, God? I did what You told me to do. Exactly what You told me to do. Exactly the way You told me to do it. I told Him everything You showed me. I focused on what You told me to focus on, and I said it over and over.
Thank You for finally unblocking the rest of it, by the way. I don't know if that was me blocking it or You blocking it... Yeah, it was probably me, now that I think about it. It's how You work. You don't generally DO this stuff, but You allow it... So that lines up.
I have no problem anymore admitting what I've done wrong, seeing the truth of it. I just realized that. And it's because of what You helped me to do tonight, what You told me to do. I hit rock bottom and You made sure I knew exactly where that is, no higher, no lower. Precise. But You showed me what it feels like to be even lower--and that actually helped. I know where I am. You saw to that. And I'm not upset about that part--it's what he's doing with it, it's what You didn't warn me about--why doesn't he know where I am?? How can You let him take my acceptance of the things I did wrong and let him turn into into 'everything I did was wrong'? I did what You told me to do and I trusted You, I still do, right this very moment... Is that why You told me to do it that way? So that he would see me as worse? So that he could twist everything into lies? I am trying, God... I'm still surrendering to You...
But SERIOUSLY, God... why? A hint at least? I thought I understood, I thought You showed me... Was it another trick? Or are they both for something? It's frustrating, God. Really frustrating. I know, I'm still learning... and I know half of this is just an imperfect creature expressing it's imperfection... But I keep going over what You told me to do, replaying it in my head, wondering if I missed something...
" Tell him everything, and stay open to Me, stay broken, for I will show you even more and you will tell him that too. Unedited. You will not defend yourself--you will do the opposite. Stay broken. Vilify yourself for him so that he can't do it anymore, take that burden from him, bear the full weight of it on yourself. Take the angry wind out of his sails with the starkness of your words. Take that wind out of his sails, so that I can fill it with Mine. Stay broken, Jessica."
Father, where is Your wind? Where is Your truth? Where is Your breath and Your hand and Your comfort? What are You doing? All he did was turn his sails and catch another wind, even further from the truth---how can he not even see that? Why didn't he turn to You? I thought that's what this was for. How is that wind going to take him anywhere?? How can he think it possible to take what has already been established and build any kind of wall over top of it as though it wasn't there?
Where are You in this?
Well. At least I have comfort in knowing the truth, even if You aren't showing anyone else... So I suppose I just found another breadcrumb and will keep going.
