uncertain
so i'm not really sure why i'm here... yes, i'm still alive, but only by the grace of God because i'm sure i don't deserve to be. i don't know what to say, whether to bore you with the same old tedium of why i haven't been around. i can't even put my finger on it right now, nor do i know if i ever will be. i don't even know if i'll come back again... maybe i'm groping for something (and this is where the audience yells "GOD!!!! Duh, woman!!!" and I, being just a flicker on a screen, remain dutifully oblivious and continue to grope in vain...)
i'm having a particularly difficult evening, emotionally. so i don't even want to talk. "then why are you here?" they ask. i don't know. i just am. i miss the way i was when my blog was in it's prime, so to speak. i miss how excited i would get about God and worship and just how on fire i was. i had purpose. i had vision. i had passion.
i don't have anything anymore. and i don't even really know where it went. if i did, i'd go get it.
ok, my mind just wandered for about ten minutes. before i forget, could you do me a favor? in the future, if you ever hear me talk about quitting things again, like just taking a break to sort things out and figure out myself and all that jazz, do NOT let me do it. k? k. i should have known better, i suppose. this is precisely what happened the last time i did this, so long ago. my life was irrevocably altered and not in good ways. i never intend for it to get like this. the intention is always noble... but i end up stuck. i only mean to catch my breath, but somehow i get turned around all together and i forget how to even proceed... or if i remember, i'm just too scared... i don't know.
i know i'm not making sense, i apologize for that. i'm just a mess. don't mind me.
updates! updates are always good, right? i'll give you updates...
Tate is still growing like a weed. He's 4. Got a ton of great stuff for Christmas. Taking swimming lessons. And he's coming in to a new awareness of his life and his family, that his dad is so far away, etc. It's been a little rough... Tink is gone, has a new family and is thriving. Dad and his new wife are doing great, going away again this weekend. Rest of the family is good. New nephew is cute as a button.
And me? i don't want to go there right now. let's just suffice it to say that i'm going to H2O, i'm still not singing (though i've begun to yearn for it again), i still have the same job, and i'm still struggling daily over the same guy i've been struggling over for a year now... highly uncharacteristic of me, but there it is. struggling in whole new ways and on whole new levels, no less.
that's all i can manage to eek out tonight... i'm going to bed. i suppose that wasn't too bad. maybe i'll be back afterall.
-jack
