How did I get so far away from God? And so quickly? I have fallen into a pit, indeed... I feel so shut off from Him. But, it's odd. It's not a desperate sort of feeling, but more detached. I don't know, I can't quite describe it.
I'm working my way back, but I can tell you this: without His veil of mercy, I am a wicked, vile thing. We all are...
-Jack
Wow it's been a while... Don't really know if i have anything i want to share right now, but i just happened to be surfing over at my dad's while Tate plays on the patio, and I thought I'd look in and see if my blog is even still here. Obviously it is.
Things have been insane, as usual... actually more so. I don't know if i'll ever share here what's happened in my life in the last month, but it's definitely been rough. There have been some great things about it, but some truly horrible as well.
I still feel lost, uncertain... But I'm trying to put the pieces back together and move forward. I'm still addicted to the gym. I still haven't found a home for Tink. I'm probably going to buy a new car soon (I drive an 11-year old pick-up truck and the A/C is about to go out on it).
Let's see, what else? Oh, I've been fighting quite a bit with Tate's Dad lately. Well, I'm done fighting, actually. Ok, fighting is the wrong word... I've been appealing to him since Tate's surgery last November to help us a little more. See, when we initially set up child support, I took a reduced amount to try to help him out. But a year and a half ago, my financial situation changed drastically (both income and expenses), and I've some rough times since then. I could have filed for a modification then, but I don't want him to be hurting either, so I tried to make it work. Then with the surgery bills and all, and with him taking a bunch of time off work, I nearly lost my house again recently (almost happened once before when he was behind on child support, but God totally came through for me). Anyway, I've been pleading with him to help us and he has flatly refused at every turn. Right now he's about $2000 behind again. With no intention of catching up until they take it out of his tax return next year (but they can only garnish so much of it, and it won't be enough to catch him up, but he doesn't care).
So I finally told him if he doesn't help us, then i have no choice but to file for a review and modification of child support, and that whatever they award me i'll take in it's entirety. His answer: you do what you have to do. I'm not paying anything that's not ordered by the courts.
I warned him that i'd done some calculations, and that he'd have to pay probably somewhere between $50 - $75 more per week, and it would be cheaper for him if he'd just catch up and help me with the medical bills (which are legally his responsibility anyway, but we won't go there right now). He maintained that he would not help.
So finally, I did it. I filed. The answer came back even more than I had expected, and he's going to end up paying almost double what he pays now. And now i'm the bad guy again. But I'm done. I'm tired of being punished, I'm tired of being treated with disrespect, i'm tired of being hung up on for not agreeing with his side of things... I'm just done. I spared him and made concessions for him and done him favors and bent over backward for him for 3 years, and it's been nothing but a classic example of throwing my pearls to the swine.
So the only thing up in the air now is whether he'll accept the modification (which will put it through in about a months time) or contest it (which would cost him thousands of dollars and he'd end up paying the same, but it would drag things out for months). So if you're itching for something to pray for, pray that he'll just accept the modification and be done with it.
I also just agreed to let Tate go up there for a week next month. Please pray for that to go well too. They know i don't think it's a good idea, and they know I'm extremely uneasy about the whole thing. And if even one thing goes slightly awry, then he will not see Tate again until a judge orders it.
So there i am... Those are some of the things on my mind lately. I'm attending H20 with some modicum of regularity right now... Tomorrow will make 3 weeks in a row. That's a good thing.
Oh, and I've recently discovered a base truth about men... They want all the benefits without any of the risk. (yeah... don't ask.)
Peace out.
- Jack
