The Thirst for Knowledge, and the Starvation of the Spirit
I've been thinkin... (yes, I know, it's dangerous)
We spend so much time acquiring knowledge... I read book after book after book... I'm always asking questions, seeking the truth, probing, dissecting... And I know I'm not alone. While this is good in it's own right, I do believe we've been missing something vital lately.
The revelation of the Holy Spirit. I think sometimes we get caught up in acquiring knowledge and forget that second step that takes what we know from knowledge to wisdom. We forget to meditate... We forget to sit still and meditate on what we've learned and let the Holy Spirit transform us with the Truth.
Maybe that's one of the reasons that, for all our knowledge, we still tend to lead very unwise lives...
Just something I'm chewing on. Thoughts?
-Jack-
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*whimper*
I am soooo sick. I never get sick. Tate and I are freakishly healthy... But I am soooo sick right now. I'm home from work. I tried to go in this morning, but I only lasted 3 hours before my fever came back and I pretty much got delirious.
I'm gonna go crawl back into bed now...
-Jack-
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Despairing.
In a word, that's how I feel right at the moment... I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of caring. I'm tired of acting tough but having such thin skin... I'm so tired of taking to heart the things people say.
And yet, I don't know how not to. I can do a good job of appearing to shut it all out, but as soon as I'm alone, I'm vulnerable again. Afterall, it's just me and God, and I have no resolve when it's just U/us. I have no walls, no pretense... I'm tired of pretending to be tough, when in reality I'm so weak.
But I don't have the luxury of not being "tough"... I don't get to be weak while someone else looks out for me, because there is no one else. But I've only myself to blame. I'm alone because that's what I wanted, right?
Does anyone else go through this too? Please tell me you do, because I can't tell you how alone I feel right now...
-jack-
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New Friends Rule!
I just made a new friend, but she doesn't know it yet, lol. Hi, Sara!! Sara is my new friend. She commented on my last post, and really feels much like I do right now. I went and checked out her blog, and then I happened to check her profile. Wow!! Talk about kindred spirits, lol. One of her favorite movies is Savannah Smiles!!!! Oh my gosh!!! I didn't think anyone else had ever heard of that movie! And some of her favorite bands are Kutless, Thousand Foot Krutch, etc... I can NOT stop listening to them right now! I have "Phenomenon" on permanent repeat in my head. Hey, Sara, have you listened to the band Falling Up? I'm particularly fond of Ambience and Escalates--both on the same album.
WOW! So, hi Sarah. Welcome to the blog-o-sphere. I hope you don't go anywhere. Just keep bloggin', baby!
Ok, gotta go back to work and save the world. Go check out Sara's blog. She's good people. :-)
God, thank you for showing me Sara. I'm glad You did. I think we both needed it, but You knew that, didn't You? That's just one more thing I love about You. So thanks.
-Jack-
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*Pop!*
Well I had my bubble burst tonight. Heh. It's so totally God, since it relates a bit to my last post. I had said that I keep my distance from people, I don't let them get close... Truth is, I really believed that no one noticed. I thought I did a good job of making people think they were close to me while keeping my self hidden away from them.
And then God said, "Oh yeah?"
Mitch came by to go over music for wednesday (our first wednesday service is this week, so say a prayer for us if you think about it). We got to talking, and he said that whenever he talks to me he's got the feeling that I've got a lot of walls up, keeping everyone at a distance (or something to that effect). My mouth just sort of fell open in mid-sentence... I sputtered a bit, and admitted that I didn't think anyone noticed, then a moment later I very skillfully (I hope) maneuvered the conversation away from it all.
Well, at least now I know so I can work on being more convincing, right? Heh...
Mitch said something else that caught me off guard. Out of the blue, I'm going through my chord charts to pull out the next song, and he says "Do you feel cared for within the church?" I cocked my head thoughtfully without looking up, and opted for the naked truth.
"No." I replied. "I don't."
I didn't even know that I felt that way. I'd never thought about it before. I didn't know I was supposed to feel "cared for." I was there to care for others, not the other way around, right? But then I guess logically there should be others caring for me then too... It's not that the church has done anything wrong, I just don't think there's much they can do for me. I mean, I'm just so different. I'm not your average 26 year old to begin with, but the majority of my church family is made up of married 30-somethings with 2 kids. I think I just might be too complex for them. It's not easy to deal with a person who has so many addendums to her description. Each one takes me further away from them...
I don't know, it's still too fresh in my mind, I haven't processed it yet. But when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter, does it? Because I'm not there to be cared for, or to be served... I'm there because I love God, and I love His people and His house. I want to serve Him. And so I serve the body.
So anyway... I guess I learned a lot tonight. And now I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams.
-Jack-
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Isolated
It's funny... Ben's latest post is right in line with how I'm feeling... yet again. I posted a while back about feeling lonely and cut off... That I just want to feel alive, I want to feel like I matter, I just want to exist to someone outside myself. I know it's completely irrational, of course I exist, of course I matter, blah blah... But do I really?
I mean... do I really truly matter? No one but Tate relies on me for anything, really... No one but Tate needs me... No one but Tate wants me (obviously I can't substantiate that one, but I'm going with how I feel, so let it slide)... I feel inconsequential, and so utterly alone... I feel like I'm not there. I'm cut off from the world and there's no one to notice or care or come find me and bring me back...
I know that I isolate myself. I don't mean to, really... I just never get too close to anyone. I want to, I really do. I just don't know how.
So that's where my thoughts are currently on this Thursday afternoon. Now I'm going to go back to work and save the world.
-Jack-
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eeeeek!!
I just finished watching the movie Saw... it was soooooo scary. I watched The Grudge like a week ago or so, and it was scary but utterly disappointing in the end... but this... oooooh, good movie.
My grandmother got me hooked on scary movies when I was a kid, so I like them. I know, it's weird, but hey what can I say? I forget who, but someone asked me recently if I like scary movies... I do, but not when I'm alone. I can't handle them when I'm alone. M and L and I have apparently found a shared love for scary movies (plus they have KILLER surround sound, so everything is extra-scary). And in case you were wondering, things are cool with us. Actually, L and I had a nice conversation about church tonight. I think she may actually come visit my church sometime. She's really been burned by her concept of church in the past, so it's a big step.
For those of you who are wondering (and I know you do, because I read my emails), I am still struggling with my little crushes... The Buddhist one is pretty much over and done with, though I do still see him and speak with him (he even took Tate and I out to dinner Thursday night to cheer me up, which was very nice). I've got a full-on crush for someone else now... It's been simmering for a while now, and is starting to really heat up, but at the same time die down... I don't know, it's weird.
I think, subconsciously, I'm purposely choosing guys that I know I can't have... In some ways, that's obviously agonizing, but in other ways it's really really really good. Because I know I can't have them, y'know? It kinda keeps me safe. So at least I'm not getting myself into trouble with them... But now I just have to work on the attractions themselves, namely not having them. It's a step in the right direction, at least...
Ok... can I just stop and say that I disgust myself? I'm boy-crazy... Me, 26 year old single mom... I'm like 13 year old boy crazy... this is horrid. This is so pathetic and immature... what on earth is going on?
I'm pretty sure I'm under attack... I decide to do away with men and dating and all the drama, and what happens? The enemy starts parading a bunch of pretty men in front of me and my eyes pop out of my head. This is just lovely. Poetic irony, I suppose... Well, no matter. I'm still done with them until God informs me otherwise.
Ok, I'm so tired I can't see straight, and I doubt I'm even making sense with how fuzzy my brain feels.
Have a great day, kids. I'm going to bed.
-Jack-
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Surviving...
I made it through the weekend, but not very comfortably. So I'm all about honesty, right? Yeah, sometimes I hate that. But here goes:
I drank my way through the weekend... well, at night anyway. Friday and Saturday, as soon as Tate went down, the screwdrivers came out. It may not have been the best way to deal with it, but I think I was just tired of dealing with it. I was a complete wreck on Friday. I probably had to run off to the bathroom at work at least 2 dozen times because I couldn't stop crying.
I feel like such a basketcase. I hate being emotional.
At any rate... I took this weekend off from my church. I was actually going to be driving to Montgomery, AL (where I was born, where mom is buried). But Tate still has a nasty cough and I didn't want to drag him around in a car for 18 hours in one weekend, so I cancelled the trip at the last minute. I'll go sometime in the next month or two when he's more up to par.
So anyway, I visited another church here today. It's called Northland. I've been once before, it's a great church, large, a lot of people I know go there. But I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt today that Northland is not for me. I really really liked the Senior Pastor. He was a straight-shooter kinda guy, good charisma, down to earth, great speaker. And real heart, y'know? But... there was just something about everything else but him that my spirit just said "No, thanks... not for me" to. I mean, it's not like I'm looking for another church, I just thought I'd like Northland more.
Honestly, it just felt very performed. We sang two songs as a congregation, and on one of them the key was not exactly optimal... and there were two other songs that were performed... I just... I don't know, I guess I feel like you should be able to engage more... but I guess it's hard to be that way with such a large congregation, too. Another thing I noticed was a distinct lack of passion or excitement of any kind... I remember thinking, when the worship leader was speaking at one point, that he sounds like he's giving a speech at a political banquet or something. They did announce, though, that this service (and subsequent ones during the next month or so) would be different. I don't know. It's a really great church, I know it is... it's just not for me.
I think God set it up that way, though. The message was basically on church, what it's supposed to be, community, connecting, etc. etc. He didn't get real specific in this message---I think he will in later ones. But it brought to mind and was right in line with a lot of what Paul Scanlan talked about at Hillsong Conference... about being planted in the House... the Northland pastor, though, focused more on this being it, the church. This is God's Kingdom on earth. Stop looking elsewhere for other answers. Stop having a "religious" side to your life and a "secular" side, etc etc.
So anyway. I think overall it was very good that I went... Reinforced some things. I just... I want believers to be raw and real... I want to see in my brothers and sisters a passion for God and His house, an excitement in them to be in that house together... Honesty and openness, no walls, no facades... I hope that's what we're building at Common Ground.
At any rate, now that you're thoroughly bored, I'll shut up. Though I will start posting again more frequently now. I really have missed the blogosphere :-)
Be real.
-Jack-
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One Year...
This friday marks one year... I'm not doin' so hot.
-Jack
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Rough
Last couple of days have been rough for me... Not real sure why. I think there's just a lot hanging over my head right now, and rather than residing in the peace God provides, I'm wandering off and worrying about it all.
What I hate most about feeling this way, though, is not "feeling this way". It's the way I treat others when I feel this way:
Tink seems to have hit a snag with her house-training, and has had 4 accidents in the last 2 days... It shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I know I've been too hard on her about it.
Tate starts whining the tiniest bit and I snap at him. He tries to ask me a question and I get frustrated and tell him to go play.
The IT guy at work today had to stay late for some server maintenance. I had the nerve to hold him up by working late, and then had enough nerve left over to be rude to him about it. All he wanted to do was get home after an 11 hour day...
I hate this... I almost wish I at least wasn't aware of it so it wouldn't make me feel so rotten. But I know that we have to be aware of how we miss the mark before we can make the necessary corrections. God is showing me how I'm falling short... It just really really sucks that I put other people through my crap. It's not fair to them, and I can't imagine that it necessarily endears me to them...
I wonder if it's time I went to see a doctor... Might help if I got back on Zoloft for a bit again. I was on it before, just before I had Tate. My doctor considered me "high-risk" for post-partum depression... I didn't notice any difference in my mood until one day I looked back and realized I hadn't cried once in two weeks. I didn't have any problems going off of it either... I just ran out after a while and forgot to get the refill... no looking back. But now I wonder if I shouldn't see about getting back on it for a few months, see if it helps.
Ok, I'm rambling again. Talk atcha later...
-Jack
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