*Pop!*
Well I had my bubble burst tonight. Heh. It's so totally God, since it relates a bit to my last post. I had said that I keep my distance from people, I don't let them get close... Truth is, I really believed that no one noticed. I thought I did a good job of making people think they were close to me while keeping my self hidden away from them.
And then God said, "Oh yeah?"
Mitch came by to go over music for wednesday (our first wednesday service is this week, so say a prayer for us if you think about it). We got to talking, and he said that whenever he talks to me he's got the feeling that I've got a lot of walls up, keeping everyone at a distance (or something to that effect). My mouth just sort of fell open in mid-sentence... I sputtered a bit, and admitted that I didn't think anyone noticed, then a moment later I very skillfully (I hope) maneuvered the conversation away from it all.
Well, at least now I know so I can work on being more convincing, right? Heh...
Mitch said something else that caught me off guard. Out of the blue, I'm going through my chord charts to pull out the next song, and he says "Do you feel cared for within the church?" I cocked my head thoughtfully without looking up, and opted for the naked truth.
"No." I replied. "I don't."
I didn't even know that I felt that way. I'd never thought about it before. I didn't know I was supposed to feel "cared for." I was there to care for others, not the other way around, right? But then I guess logically there should be others caring for me then too... It's not that the church has done anything wrong, I just don't think there's much they can do for me. I mean, I'm just so different. I'm not your average 26 year old to begin with, but the majority of my church family is made up of married 30-somethings with 2 kids. I think I just might be too complex for them. It's not easy to deal with a person who has so many addendums to her description. Each one takes me further away from them...
I don't know, it's still too fresh in my mind, I haven't processed it yet. But when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter, does it? Because I'm not there to be cared for, or to be served... I'm there because I love God, and I love His people and His house. I want to serve Him. And so I serve the body.
So anyway... I guess I learned a lot tonight. And now I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams.
-Jack-
