Not a clue
I have no idea why I'm here right now. Just decided to take a short break from work and clear my head. Oh yeah, did I tell you I no longer sell drugs? ;-) Though there are days I long for the simple, brainless monotony of it, lol
Nope, I'm moving on, moving up, moving forward. And these last few months have just reiterated my need to keep doing that. I think I became a whole other person a few months back, and I don't even know how it happened. It definitely won't happen again, that's for sure. Somehow I gave up my strength, my determination, my independence, my confidence... At first, I think I blamed it on another person... but that was unfair. I'm starting to see that it was more in relation to circumstances that I just didn't know how to deal with. And instead of stepping back and tackling them as myself, I think I just got lost in them, unsure of which way was forward, which way was back, afraid of risking anything...
But the smoke is starting to clear. I felt more like myself yesterday than I have in probably six months. I'm back on my turf, prioritizing and running my life. I like it that way. I've decided to go back to school and finally finish my degree, but at the moment, my next step is to figure out just how/where to accomplish that. I have to apply and be accepted somewhere before I do a FAFSA, right? Egads, it's been so long I can't remember.
I'm also looking for a new opportunity as far as my career... It's a looooong story, but basically, the company I went to work for is a start-up and they really don't have their junk together. They supposedly hired me to help them do that, but the boss is basically operating from fear now, and is unwilling to make the changes necessary not just for success, but even for survival. So I'm not able to do much, and it's not really going anywhere.
So we'll see. Keep me in your prayers if you think of it. I'm not a big fan of uncertainty, so I'd like to line something up um, well, today would be good. I'm just done, you know? Ready to have it all back under control. And while no, I didn't design the landscape, I'll hold my own reigns, thankyouverymuch. Basically, my current outlook is that I played a part in getting myself here, I take responsibility for that. Nevertheless, I am here--pretending not to be is counterproductive to getting out. So no, while I didn't design my current surroundings, I am the only one who can get me out of them (with God's help, of course---just go with me metaphorically, lol). So yeah. That's what I'm doing. I don't like where I am, but I have to deal with it until I get to where I want to be.
I wonder if any of that made sense. Ok. Back to work! Go do something amazing.
- Jess
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Hurricane
I feel like I'm in a hurricane--or perhaps more accurately, I feel like a ragdoll in a hurricane. Part of me doesn't even care. Part of me is confused. Part of me is angry. Part of me is offended. Part of me is defensive. Part of me is weary. Part of me is anxious. Part of all those parts is bewildered...
...and still another part says, "Bring. It. On."
What else can I do but meet it head on and deal with it? Running is cowardice. Hiding is weakness.
I am stronger than your fear.
You fear that too, don't you? There's no reason to. If you understood where strength comes from, you wouldn't be afraid at all... If strength were to be feared, you wouldn't be drawn to it. But until you understand where it comes from, you'll never attain it the way you so desperately want to. You'll simply continue to cultivate hardness...
But love is stronger than all of it...
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"Metaphorical Touch" and "Living"
Do you ever feel like you are always reaching out to touch those you love... friends, family, what have you... and they will allow you to touch them, but they never really touch you back? I feel like that all the time... So I stop reaching out so much, knowing the passive rejection that awaits and wanting to avoid it... but in doing that, I inadvertently place more significance--and more hope--on those fewer instances... thereby magnifying the rejection I feel. So basically, I'm creating my own problems. Lovely.
But why is it that they don't touch back? Why is it that they are content to just allow you to touch them? Is it because you have established a pattern of doing all the reaching/touching so they don't even notice or think to? Or is it because you don't matter to them like they do to you? I think maybe it's both... I don't know...
Just kicking the dirt around in my head. On the one hand, I wish I could stop feeling... at least so intensely as I do. It would make life so much simpler. But on the other hand, having known this depth of feeling, having come this far in life, I don't think I could ever be content to go back. I look around me at all the people afraid to feel or oblivious to what life offers in that respect, and I feel sorry for them.
I heard a good quote today: "We're not here for a long time... We're here for a good time." It wasn't talking about partying or being reckless and stupid. It was talking about making the most of it, and not putting things off. Making the time time that we have here good. Not wasting opportunities and making sure that everything is perfect and prepared before moving and doing... It brought to mind something that I say to myself--that the key to success is to START... If you want to succeed at something, you must first start that something... the first step on the path to success is just that: a step. Action. Doing. We don't learn and then live--we live, and in so doing we learn.
This is the way I think of it:
We are not born with the tools we need to succeed in any area of life. We have to acquire those tools. If they were sitting right in front of us, then we'd all be raging successes with love and family and God and work and the whole lot of it... but we aren't, are we? The tools that we need are found only when we begin to move forward, which starts from birth. They are there for the taking at various points on the journey. We move forward, we find, we master, we keep moving forward, finding more, mastering more... We prepare for life as we live life, not before or in between. For it is life that prepares us for itself.
As an aside to that, it would be beneficial to note that just as those tools are spread out along the way, so are the life experiences that those tools were designed to help you with. We will not always be fully prepared for what we come upon, but that cannot prevent us from moving forward. Yes, we will get scratched and tripped and whirled around and sometimes even beaten to within an inch of our lives. But the only way through it is through it.
Wow, ok, I'm gonna stop... I don't even know where all that came from (well, i kinda do, but...). Been a while since that's happened. I hope that helps you, whoever you are...
- Jess
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Much Better Place and Reconciliation
I'm in a much better place right now... I started feeling better Sunday night, after the Super Bowl, though I didn't even watch it (I guess the Colts won... who'd they play?? heh)
I began reconciling with a friend, a reconnection if you will. Then it almost dissolved into a greater dispute and the connection was almost lost, only it was 100% my fault and completely retarded of me and thoughtless and insensitive and I hurt their feelings and wanted the earth to swallow me whole right before them because I could see the hurt in their eyes... It completely sliced me open, killed me right where I stood... But then God stepped in and answered my prayers and the connection remained, feeble as it was... And my friend stayed open to me and let me explain, and though I knew the sting was still there (what with it being so fresh), I think they understood, or at least they tried, and that small thing--that trust, that love, that small effort--was all that was needed and reconciliation continued.
Ever since that moment, I've been feeling better and better... not to say that life has been sunshine and rainbows, but my own disposition, and even my own strength, have been improving steadily ever since.
I was talking with another friend yesterday when I realized: I can handle conflict... I can handle stress and trials and tribulations and anything that life can throw at me or one of my treasured relationships (of which the aforementioned one is one of my most priceless)... but I think a major factor in my ability to cope with all of it is in needing to know that we can get through it, that we're still in it together, that the other party wants to reconcile and resolve it... that is crucial for me.
Upon reflecting on that today, it occurred to me that I don't think I matter to people the way they matter to me. I'm not sure why, and I intend to revisit that, explore it a bit (don't want this to get any more random and fragmented than it already is), but yeah... i need reassurance that they are not going to abandon me , that their love for me does not evaporate if i am not perfect and happy and a sheer joy to be with at any and all given moments or because we've had an argument and they are unhappy with me...
Anyway... it's late. I'm going to bed. 'Night, folks.
- Jess
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"Friends", and why they suck
One thing I've really come to hate about "friends" is that sometimes there comes a point when their behavior changes for the negative, and all in the name of friendship. people stop being real, stop being honest, because they think the truth might hurt you... but what they fail to realize is that the little white lie, that teeny little calculated omission, hurts more than the most shocking or horrible truth... And the truth always comes out anyway... So now, I've lost faith in them, respect in them... They are no longer trustworthy...
But I suppose that in it's own way is a sort of truth coming out... that they would do that. I need to know that about a person as well. Just really stinks that I get blinded by who I thought they were, and I've already trusted them too much.
I need to work on that.
- Jess, aka "Jack"
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Almost
It's almost that time again... Why does every February seem to bring me back here?
I seriously doubt anyone is even out there anymore. It's likely no one will see this. Strangely, I'm comforted by that. Anonymity can be a freeing thing, in ways. But it has it's chains too. Keeps you living in the hell you want to escape because no one can find you to help pull you out of it.
Life is really screwed up. Mine anyhow. I thought I was doing ok there for a while. And I know it's getting better... But it's still so close to bad that it's not really noticeable yet. But of course, once my mood changes, I'll probably have a different perspective on it. It's very gray out today... Been raining on and off. And we all know what that does to me. The melancholy sets in, despair dancing around it's edges.
I suppose I have a lot of catching up to do... Sit tight. I'm sure it'll come.
- Jess, a.k.a. "Jack"
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