Much Better Place and Reconciliation
I'm in a much better place right now... I started feeling better Sunday night, after the Super Bowl, though I didn't even watch it (I guess the Colts won... who'd they play?? heh)
I began reconciling with a friend, a reconnection if you will. Then it almost dissolved into a greater dispute and the connection was almost lost, only it was 100% my fault and completely retarded of me and thoughtless and insensitive and I hurt their feelings and wanted the earth to swallow me whole right before them because I could see the hurt in their eyes... It completely sliced me open, killed me right where I stood... But then God stepped in and answered my prayers and the connection remained, feeble as it was... And my friend stayed open to me and let me explain, and though I knew the sting was still there (what with it being so fresh), I think they understood, or at least they tried, and that small thing--that trust, that love, that small effort--was all that was needed and reconciliation continued.
Ever since that moment, I've been feeling better and better... not to say that life has been sunshine and rainbows, but my own disposition, and even my own strength, have been improving steadily ever since.
I was talking with another friend yesterday when I realized: I can handle conflict... I can handle stress and trials and tribulations and anything that life can throw at me or one of my treasured relationships (of which the aforementioned one is one of my most priceless)... but I think a major factor in my ability to cope with all of it is in needing to know that we can get through it, that we're still in it together, that the other party wants to reconcile and resolve it... that is crucial for me.
Upon reflecting on that today, it occurred to me that I don't think I matter to people the way they matter to me. I'm not sure why, and I intend to revisit that, explore it a bit (don't want this to get any more random and fragmented than it already is), but yeah... i need reassurance that they are not going to abandon me , that their love for me does not evaporate if i am not perfect and happy and a sheer joy to be with at any and all given moments or because we've had an argument and they are unhappy with me...
Anyway... it's late. I'm going to bed. 'Night, folks.
- Jess
