Hmmm...
So I still find myself avoiding my blog. Not 100% sure why, though it probably has something to do with not wanting to explore all the crap in my head that I know shouldn't be there... It probably has something to do with the fact that I very well could be headed down a road I shouldn't be... It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm struggling...
So yeah, all the reasons I haven't been here are all the reasons I should be. So here's me, making a concerted effort to do something that I know can help. I'm gonna do it in baby steps, of course, because this particular C-word makes me panic almost as much as the other one. So here's my first baby-step: I will blog tomorrow night too. Even if it's only a quick paragraph, even if I'm dead tired, even if I'm busy. I will blog tomorrow. I promise.
There. Now that that's settled.
It's been a while since I've laid out some brutal honesty, so I think it's high time I went at it. Let's start with my failures of late:
1. I've been drinking too much... Not in an I'm an alcoholic kind of way, but I noticed I've been medicating with it. I drank two nights this last week. But there's also a selfishness to it... Like it's not just a means to escape or numb. But rather a "Everyone else my age gets to do this, gets to kick back and have a few or whatever--I want to too." Wow, just typing that out helps me to see how childish and worldly and flesh-y that is. Well, good, it's a start.
2. My previous post that relates to being a daughter of Eve was about having gotten myself into an inappropriate situation in which the subject of the last few months angst and I kissed. Not a good idea, because (watch closely, here comes the brutal honesty:), willpower is not my strong suit, so if it continues I'll end up doing something I promised God that I wouldn't. So in case you were wondering, my desire for this guy has not diminished. It's just been compounded.
That's interesting to me... I was trying to figure it out before, the way my desire for him was not sexual in nature. The physical attraction was there, to be sure. But I think it was just outweighed by the desire for relational intimacy. I don't know. I still haven't figured it out, probably never will. I was probably just suppressing that particular aspect because I assumed my attraction would be unrequited. Surprise, surprise.
...my dad got married last Saturday. I can't go there right now. Don't get me wrong, she's really nice, and she really loves him, and he loves her, and all that good stuff. I don't know why it's so hard for me to even dwell on for any length of time. It just is. So I'm not going to right now.
I'm not nearly as fun and interesting to read as I used to be, am I? Sorry... I'll get back there someday.
- Jack
