I've Been So Bad
...at keeping up with blogging, that is. Well, I'm sure I've been bad in other ways too...
For all who are interested, the crush rages on unabetted... ugh. I still don't get it either. My crushes usually have the life-cycle of a fly. And they are ALWAYS completely physically based. That's why they just annoy or aggravate me more than anything... But this one just doesn't fit the mold. It's driving me up a wall. It's not physical... I mean, I guess in a way it is, but not like the others. It's just wanting to be around this guy. I've dreamt about him a few times, he pops into my head all the time... But none of my thoughts regarding him are sexual in nature. At all. So why is he popping in my head?
Therapy went pretty well last week (I still can't get over the fact that I'm actually "in therapy"). We actually ended up talking about my crush problem, and the current one. We've now established that I'm an all or nothing kinda gal, which would explain why I want the crush(es) to just completely go away. I don't want to entertain the thought if I'm not willing/able to pursue a relationship with the person. So that was interesting. I hadn't realized it. But more specifically, we examined what could make this one so strong and different. She had a very interesting revelation on that. She asked if it was possible that perhaps God is orchestrating this on purpose to get me to feel... and perhaps not just to feel, but to feel strongly and without my need for control over the feeling, to give me something tangible to just let go over, something in front of me to stir me up... Basically to get me to break open that floodgate, to realize what is possible on the other side... I'm probably not making much sense, or taking you with me to where I'm trying to go with this.
She said C.S. Lewis (I really want to read him) said something about every desire we think we have is really a desire for God. And this could be a fantastic and life-changing example of that. That I need to keep looking, keep digging, beyond my completely irrational, inexplicable desire for this guy (and i do mean inexplicable, trust me, i've given it a lot of thought and there is no explanation even bordering on rational or even coherent) and realize what it really is, and Who i really desire... That this could not be about the guy at all, but rather God...
That in and of itself is scary, simply put because I think I'm afraid to want/love God that much. I think it would be dangerous to burn so hot and strong for God... Not for me as much as for Tate... I have a responsibility to him. If I didn't have him, I'd probably have given over to my desire to serve God more directly and continuously... I want to do it, but it would mean really (and physically) throwing off the "way of the world"... the job and house and security... I would have no choice but to forfeit that for faith in my God...
I'm not saying that having a job and a home goes against God, I'm just talking about for me... I know what this sort of "giving in" to my desire for God would require for my life, and I can't figure out how that could possibly work when I have a child to feed and clothe and nurture and teach...
So I guess I'm just still working it all out... I don't know... I don't know what to think. But I know I still can't get that guy out of my head. It does ease some of the pressure though when I consider my counsellor's words on the matter.
- Jack
