Unsure...
I'm unsure of why I'm here, why I'm blogging... But since I find myself here, I might as well make the most of it and just blog away.
I'm so sick of being alone.
I know that's uncharacteristic coming from me, but it's true. This is just going to be a horrible weekend. Mother's Day, eh? I don't have a mom anymore... Dad's out of town visiting his new fiance... Rachael and Teddy took Tate to Georgia for the weekend to see my other sister... so there goes all that. And I sat there tonight and listened to all these different people talking about their relationships... or complaining about their relationships... or else I witnessed them, firsthand, interacting within said relationships... And it just made my heart ache. I can't even believe I'm admitting this right now. I won't even admit how I feel to myself, and here I am blogging it at midnight on Friday, May 6th... Mark this date in history---the stone-hearted Jack has finally cracked.
But this is when I hate myself the most. I've never in my life hated myself more than I do right now. I loathe this weakness in me. I despise this utter lack of self-control. I'm stronger than this... Damnit I'm stronger than this.
At least that's what I tried to tell myself in my last post. Truth be told, I'm not as strong as I'd like to think. I'm just really good at putting up a show of it. Y'know what, though? The saddest part of all is that admitting it won't change a thing. I'll still pretend to be tough as nails. You don't have much of a choice when you're me.
So yeah, mood of the moment, since I'm being so honest? Alone... utterly alone... I've never in my life felt more isolated. Most of it is my own doing, but that doesn't change the circumstance. Regardless of how I got here, I'm here.
Sorry this is so fragmented and pointless and dark. Those of you who've been around a while will recognize this as one of those "lows". I'm in the dark place, the withdrawn place. I knew it was coming, I tried to hold it off, but it happens. I just need to learn to deal effectively with it instead of letting it overtake me like this.
Tomorrow is another day, right?
-Jack
