So...
... hi. Sorry I haven't been around. I guess I've kinda been avoiding my blog. I'm not wanting to deal with things, and I'm sorry. To you and to myself. I set out to share this journey, and I've not really held true to my intentions. So yeah... I'm sorry.
So much has been flying through my head the last few weeks... I feel rather like I'm in a whirlwind. Or maybe I'm a freight-train barrelling along, full speed ahead without a brake...
A brake... The train analogy was brought up by my counsellor tonight. We were discussing my former marraige, and what went wrong and why and trying to unearth the feelings wrapped up in it all that I was basically too young to recognize. Ordinarily that would all sound like psycho-babble to me, but there really were things that I knew I felt but couldn't articulate. At any rate, we got onto why I didn't want him and what I really do want...
I want strength... solidity... I want someone that makes me feel safe and secure, enough to where I can be free to be myself... Someone whose wing I can thrive under... Someone who wants more for me than even I want for myself. I am a strong woman, and I will settle for nothing less than a stronger man. I was trying desperately to find the right words to express this notion that's always been in my head... Suddenly I realized it was rather akin to the freedom we find in captivity to Christ. In an effort to help her understand, I used an analogy that I made up for Tate's dad, when he struggled with accepting the "limitations", as he saw them, that the convictions of my (seriously underdeveloped) faith put on me and on our relationship:
Say you're in a meadow... a massive, rolling meadow that stretches out far as the eye can see. There is no limit to where you can go or what you can do or what lies ahead... it's bordered by a beautiful forest, and you're free to roam as far as you like, do whatever you want... But there's a section of this imaginary place that is fenced off. It's not a giant wall, or a menacing barbed wire fence... Just some posts with beams set in them, a simple but clear marking off of territory. Inside this area is nothing really spectacular that you can tell from outside...
I said to him "You are out there. But this is where I have chosen to dwell--in here. Here I am protected, here I am safe--there is no fear, and as long as I stay here, I know I am doing what is best for me--there is nothing out there that can give me any more fulfillment than what is around me here. Here I have everything I'll ever need, here I can be all I was intended to be. You can be here with me... But I will only be here. I will not go out there with you. It's your choice."
...Or something to that effect. I recall the imagery of the analogy much more clearly than I do the wording. But I hope the meaning carries through sufficiently for you... That was at a time when I was very slowly but also very surely returning to God. I was, bit by bit, turning away from the sin that I was entrenched in, mostly with regard to our living arrangement. Thinking back, he was probably wondering what kind of crazy woman he'd gotten himself involved with--sleeping with him was ok to start with, but now we have to stop? Eh? I don't think it made any sense to him at the time... I'm grateful that it does now, and that he's accepted Christ and has recently married a wonderful Christian woman who is nothing but good for him.
At any rate, where was I? Oh yeah, therapy (insert cringe). So I told her the analogy, and she said it was great, it made perfect sense... I told her that's one of the ways that I view a relationship as well, or at least my ideal, I suppose. That as Christ is the head of the church, so should a man be the head of his family--and that includes the wife. Not in some abusive, chauvanistic way... but in the way it was intended--a beautiful comingling of the differences between man and woman that God created... merging together to create something truly amazing... We ought not be trying to downplay and trivialize and erase our differences, rather we should be celebrating them. I wasn't designed, in a marraige relationship, to worry about certain things... so when I do have to worry about responsibilities that God did not intend for me to have, it feels unnatural and makes me uncomfortable and unhappy.
In the discussion that ensued, she mentioned her own analogy, or one that she'd heard, that she thought might apply... That women can sometimes be like freight trains out of control, and we need someone strong enough to stand in our path and stop us... a brake... not in a manner of proving how strong he is or in a controlling way, but out of love, out of a desire to protect us from even ourselves if need be... it'd be really really nice to have a brake...
As usual, I don't even know if I'm making sense. My brain goes so fast that my hands often have trouble keeping up, and I have a tendency to omit entire trains of thought without realizing it. So if that didn't make sense for you, leave me a comment stating such and I'll try to clean it up.
But all of this is for naught if I don't really want someone, isn't it? I'm not ready to go there yet. I'm just exploring the notion. I'm still leaning more toward permanent singleness--maybe because my standards are too high. My intellect has a tendency to permit my heart only to desire those things which it knows to be so improbable as to be safely out of reach.
I haven't found a man other than Christ who could live up to my expectations (though that guy is starting to get too close to my expectations for comfort with every new thing I learn about him, but we won't go there)... and for now, I still say I'm better that way.
-Jack
