Epiphany
I finally have my answer... It makes perfect sense. Hosea... minus the scandal.
I was pacing around my house yesterday during my lunch break, that guy on my brain again. But more specifically, the why of it all. Why do I feel this way? And why is it so different? Why don't I want him the way I've wanted others in the past? Why won't it go away? And why--WHY!!--why is it so damnably different? I had just given up and was about to go back to work... and suddenly He spoke to my heart. As surely as the sun rose this morning and is even now setting, He answered me... And I could hardly believe what He said.
"Now, Beloved... Now you know. You feel what I feel. This is what I feel for each of you."
And in that moment my heart broke. I was thrilled and crushed in the same instant. I can see it so clearly now. My constant preoccupation with him... my desire simply to be near him, to get to know him, to share in his life, to reveal everything about myself to him... Will he talk to me today? And if he does, will he share some of himself with me? Will he smile at me when he passes by, or speak perhaps? All I want is to know him and be known by him... to give of myself for whatever he may need... to know the depths of him, as well as the mundane...
And that, God said, is what He wants from me... And each of you. He longs for us. He aches for us. He waits with baited breath for us to come to Him... to acknowledge Him throughout our day. He just wants to take part in us, and for us to take part in Him. He wants us to share our lives--lives that He gave us--with Him. He is constantly preoccupied with thoughts of you... He wonders if you'll smile at Him, He wants to tell you to have a great day, that He loves you, that He'd do anything for you... He wants to be near to you, to reveal Himself to you. He wants to delight you and delight in you.
And so now I know... I know why. And I know that it's not over. As soon as He answered me, He brought the story of Hosea to mind. He showed Hosea how He felt, He made Hosea live it. And now He shows me. I'm not presuming to rank myself in terms of importance anywhere near Hosea. But the essence is similar, and it helps to put my situation in perspective. He is using this as a real-life, earthly example so that we (or at least I) can understand... The Holy One of Israel, the Living God, Creator of all things yearns for you...
I wept today... I begged Him to either give me this desire of my heart or take it from me, that I can't handle this--this depth of feeling. I pleaded that it would end. But I know it's not over yet. I don't know when it will be, or if it ever will be... I'm thinking it could go on for a very long time. If anything, this new dynamic has only compounded the original pangs, for now I know His heart... or at least this part of it.
So now you know too.
-Jack
