Here again
Wow, this is three nights in a row. I'm impressed. You should be too. :-) Yeah, whatever. So anyway, I'm here. Hi.
I was just thinking of what I should blog. What should I say? Should I go where my heart is and really blog out all the crap in there? Should I just dive in and really explore all the issues and idiocies that comprise me lately?
I wanted to... I really, really did. But I can't. I can't make myself put it out there. I can't bring myself to externalize the internal. The thought of doing that at this point just terrifies me. I had a really heavy morning today. I almost didn't go to work. Something came crashing down on me as I went about my morning, getting ready for work, and it took my breath away... all the while bringing me to tears.
It's strange sometimes, in retrospect... God sometimes picks the oddest moments to speak, doesn't He? I was washing my hair. It just... I don't know, it just strikes me now as odd. I mean, why not late at night, alone, in the dark, when I can't sleep anyway because my mind just won't stop? I don't know, I suppose it's trivial to spend any length of time pondering something so... well... trivial. But it just stuck out to me.
Oh yeah, almost forgot. My counsellor finally called me today. This afternoon, actually. She apologized, and I just brushed the whole thing under the rug (as usual). She wants to try Monday nights (isn't that convenient, since it's Tuesday).
Egads, do you see what my mind does? I'm horrible!! I'm so mean, and I lack mercy... I lack grace. In some situations, I'm the most merciful person you'll ever meet, but when it's something that my psyche perceives to be an attack on me in any way (i.e., she's bailing on me, he did that just to hurt me, etc), I'm stone cold, impenetrable, and downright awful.
At this point in my journey (let's call it), I can say with honesty (but also with chagrin) that I don't feel bad about my defensiveness if it really is an attack on me. My concern (or what strikes me as so horrible about the defensive posturing) at this point is the thought that I might be jumping the gun with it. That the automatic response is SO instantaneous as to leave no room for discretion or true judgement on the matters. I don't give an inch... when often the inch is necessary, because I'm pretty sure I'm not being attacked nearly so often as my instinct perceives. I'm so desperate not to allow anyone to affect me in a negative way that I don't give them the chance to affect me in a positive way either... and ultimately in so doing, I inhibit my own opportunities to impact their lives positively.
I instinctively remove the possibility of relationship... Not good.
Ok, maybe I got a little deep there, or more so than I intended at least. Don't really know where that came from---sorry. But since it's there, I'll leave it. K, I'm 'bout done in here for tonight. I think I'll go wear myself down to the point of exhaustion with some cardio. Oh, did I mention I've actually been working out lately? It feels FANTASTIC. Love it.
K... 'night.
- Jack
