The Verdict
So I've finally come to a concrete decision. Many people are going to think that I've made it for the wrong reasons... but the truth is, I've been feeling out the subject and toying with the idea, as it were, for quite some time.
I (officially) don't date. Period. I will not date (or "court" or "see" someone, "go steady" or "go out" with anyone, etc etc etc). I've been feeling a lot like Paul in terms of it all for the last few months... that marraige is good (and it really is. I believe that wholeheartedly), but a life wholly devoted to God is even better. I don't want the confliction. I don't want anything to stand between myself and God. I'm not basing this decision on past experiences (even recent past), but rather on what God is doing in me. I cannot say that said experiences don't flawlessly illustrate my inability to have a healthy relationship, I'm simply saying that they aren't the reason I came to this decision. It's just been nagging at me for months and recent events (and subsequent reflection on not-so-recent events) have just driven the point home, taking that vague nagging and turned it into a clear-as-day revelation of sorts.
I hope I'm making sense here as I put it into words. I've spoken to both my pastors (the head pastor of my church, and the man who will be the head pastor of the church plant I will be a part of). Of course, the conversations took place before this latest wretched sin o' mine. They both just sort of got that omniscient paternal look on their faces, you know the one... that "aw, isn't she just the cutest little thing you ever saw? ...making big grown-up "decisions", could she be any more naive?" and both of them proceeded to [psychologically] pat my pretty little head and dismiss the notion as childish fancy. I'm told by my "pastor-fathers" that I'm a beautiful young woman and God has someone out there for me.
If I hear that phrase again, I'll probably stick my tongue out at he who utters it. So beware. But then, they'd probably just tell me I have such a pretty tongue.
At any rate, I very levelheadedly then argued that even if He were to plant someone right smack in front of my face, I'm mature enough to realize that I have outrageous expectations that no man can live up to. My head pastor quirked a thoughtful brow and said nothing, while the church-plant pastor thought he'd challenge my statement. He said "Well, Jack, now whose fault is that?" My reply was simple.
"Jesus'. It's His fault for being so perfect. No man can live up to Him."
And then I did a mental victory lap. The church-plant pastor looked completely dumbfounded for a moment, until the head pastor literally bursted with laughter. Then we all started laughing. They still think I'm naive, but at least they know how clever I am.
It's not just clever, though. I've actually had that conversation with God... I've fallen in love with Jesus... I want a man as honorable, as true, as stoic, as noble, as loving, as sure... I've looked and I've longed... And no matter how desperately my romantic heart wants to find him or hopes that he's out there, my heart and my soul know the hard, cold fact that he simply does not exist. I want Jesus to be my husband... I want Yeshua... I want to live with Him for the rest of my days, I want to feel the warmth of His embrace, and the comfort of His presence... I want His wisdom to guide my steps, I want what He thinks is best for my life... I want Yeshua for my Master... No one else could ever compare.
And so, if He'll have me, I'd like to give myself to Him.
And incidentally, I've been wondering about how this decision will affect things in my life, and how I will relate to others... and I can say that it will hold some serious blessings... No more wondering if some guy thinks I'm attractive, or what so and so thinks of me, or what it might be like to be in a relationship with such and such... Or wondering how to avoid this guy or that... I can just be myself and lay all that down, because I have a mate, I have a Master... No more pressure... I can just be free to be myself among my brothers and sisters in the body... I can walk through my day with assurance and with peace...
There is precious freedom in the captivity of Christ...
-Jack-
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Once more...
... I don't know why I'm here. I gotta get back to work. Just... I don't know... Hi.
Please keep praying for me. I'm trying to get out of this.
-Jack-
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Juxtaposed
That pretty much describes my current state. Still a little numb. Everything is a whirlwind and everything feels out of sorts. I feel pensive. I don't know...
Jeanne is still here. We haven't lost power yet, just some flickering mostly (thanks to the guy on the corner who finally cut his tree down so that the limbs wouldn't knock out the power lines like they usually do). The damage isn't too bad over here... More shingles than ever are flying around my dad's yard, but most everything still stands here in Altamonte Springs. Just a whooooole lot of wind. The rain is even gone now too, for the most part. The wind has shown no signs of abating, but it's almost all gusts. It'll be deathly quiet for a half-second and then another 70 mph gust bustles through for 5 - 15 seconds, then almost completely still for another half to full second, then another gust.
The sustained winds are actually pretty heavy themselves, but because the gusts are so much stronger, so much more noisy, it just seems like it goes still in between them.
Anyway... I don't even know why I'm here. I don't know what to say. I'm gonna go answer some emails.
Later...
-Jack-
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Ugh.
I'm so tired of "update" posts. I'm tired of writing them. I want to be a real blogger again. This is supposed to be the journey of a twenty-something screw-up, not her update ticker or highlight reel.
Got a call from my bank this afternoon. The funds will be reinstated tomorrow morning. Good, now I can pay Tate's daycare.
I've been feeling isolated relationally from God lately. I think because I'm just cramming my head with His attributes and learning about Him. I'm forgetting the relationship, I'm forgetting to talk to Him, to listen to Him, to lean on Him. I've been reading The Book of God, the Bible as a novel. It's really great, actually. For the first time, I'm actually able to take in the Old Testament, something I've never had much luck with. I can read the New Testament cover to cover to cover to cover, but the Old Testament loses me in under 10 minutes. Not so now. I'm really glad for it. Now I'll be able to go to the Old Testament Scripture and see the stories of what happened then, and not get completely sidetracked with all the little things that drive me batty like such-and-such begat such-and-so, etc etc. And I'm really appreciating all the begetting like never before... Not just understanding, but appreciating. It's cool. Anyhow...
So last night I apologized to God for not talking to Him... for neglecting Him. I apologized for being so distracted. And while He had my ear, He told me again to quit smoking. And then He laid some other stuff on my heart too. One of them was a reminder of the concentric circles of His will that I touched on a while back. Some of you emailed me, wanting to know more, I think someone commented on it too. At any rate... I'm going to post on it soon. If I haven't posted on it in two weeks time, remind me, would ya? Thanks.
Ok, I'm gonna go play with my Tater-Tot. Go relate with God. :-)
-Jack-
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The Saga Continues
And now something is all screwed up with my bank acct, and they've charged me $480 in overdraft charges, and my deposit is taking forever to clear. So I currently have a balance of -$200. And they can't get my funds reinstated until probably Monday. But there's a good chance they won't be open Monday because of Ivan. So meanwhile, we're all supposed to prepare for the hurricane and buy gas and all that, but I have NO money. I mean NONE. Whatsoever.
Just. Flipping. Great.
Ok, God. What's the deal? I could really use a little help here. Please... I just sometimes wish God would sit me down in His office and tell me whatever it is He wants me to learn, so that I don't have to go through this stuff. But I know it's for the best. I just don't like the uncertainty.
-Jack-
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I'm Here
We're still here... sortof. Charley hit harder, but Frances hit longer. She didn't hit as hard, but she certainly did some damage. All in all, it wasn't too bad for us, though. Well, I say "us" like I was here... hehe... When I heard it was getting weaker and weaker, I decided to not waste the whole weekend hiding inside from an unimpressive storm and I grabbed my son and my brother (and some gas money from dad) and took off for Alabama. I went to Birmingham, primarily to see my grandfather (mom's dad), and then also to see my aunt and uncle and cousins. Good times. My older sister came over from Augusta, GA too, so we got to see her and GB (her daughter/my neice).
We were gone an extra day, as Frances decided to come up our route home. Instead of taking 20 to Atlanta and then 75 in to Florida, we took 20 into Augusta, stayed overnight, and came down 95. And 10 minutes after we got home, I was up on dad's roof replacing shingles. And 15 minutes after I got up there, Dad left to go buy more since we couldn't find many of the ones that blew off. And 1 minute after he left, I found a big honkin' hole that needed to be patched right away. And one minute after I found the big honkin' hole, it started pouring down rain. That was fun. So I was roofing in the rain. It's a good thing I don't use hairspray, or else it would have been in my eyes. I kept having to stop and yell at my hair and the rain because I couldn't see. And as soon as I ran out of tacks, and had the biggest of the holes covered, it stopped raining. That was cute. So God and I had a good laugh up on the roof.
I had a really traumatic day at work today. But I really don't want to talk about it right now or else I'll start crying again. I'm such a baby sometimes, y'know? It just really, really sucked. I got seriously chewed out by my boss (read: he cussed me out at the top of his lungs. A lot.). It was not a fun day.
Anyway, I need to go, music rehearsal starts soon.
Have fun, kids.
-Jack-
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And Now For Frances
Great. This is great.
Just. Flipping. Great.
We just got done with Charley, it's still not cleaned up. Massive amounts of branches still line all the streets waiting for clean-up crews to come collect them. You can barely see the houses from the street on my dad's block, because of all the yard waste waiting to be picked up. And all that's gonna go flying when Frances hits.
She's five times larger than Charley and is moving slower. The eye will bring a TWO HOUR calm, that's how slow she's going and how big she is. Hurricane force winds extend EIGHTY MILES out from her center... That's a 160-mile line of hurricane force winds. Super. Can't wait. Anyone feel like flying a poor single mom and her kid out of harm's way real quick? Heh...
When it rains, it pours... oh wait no, that's not a pour. That's a hurricane. Right.
-Jack-
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