The Verdict
So I've finally come to a concrete decision. Many people are going to think that I've made it for the wrong reasons... but the truth is, I've been feeling out the subject and toying with the idea, as it were, for quite some time.
I (officially) don't date. Period. I will not date (or "court" or "see" someone, "go steady" or "go out" with anyone, etc etc etc). I've been feeling a lot like Paul in terms of it all for the last few months... that marraige is good (and it really is. I believe that wholeheartedly), but a life wholly devoted to God is even better. I don't want the confliction. I don't want anything to stand between myself and God. I'm not basing this decision on past experiences (even recent past), but rather on what God is doing in me. I cannot say that said experiences don't flawlessly illustrate my inability to have a healthy relationship, I'm simply saying that they aren't the reason I came to this decision. It's just been nagging at me for months and recent events (and subsequent reflection on not-so-recent events) have just driven the point home, taking that vague nagging and turned it into a clear-as-day revelation of sorts.
I hope I'm making sense here as I put it into words. I've spoken to both my pastors (the head pastor of my church, and the man who will be the head pastor of the church plant I will be a part of). Of course, the conversations took place before this latest wretched sin o' mine. They both just sort of got that omniscient paternal look on their faces, you know the one... that "aw, isn't she just the cutest little thing you ever saw? ...making big grown-up "decisions", could she be any more naive?" and both of them proceeded to [psychologically] pat my pretty little head and dismiss the notion as childish fancy. I'm told by my "pastor-fathers" that I'm a beautiful young woman and God has someone out there for me.
If I hear that phrase again, I'll probably stick my tongue out at he who utters it. So beware. But then, they'd probably just tell me I have such a pretty tongue.
At any rate, I very levelheadedly then argued that even if He were to plant someone right smack in front of my face, I'm mature enough to realize that I have outrageous expectations that no man can live up to. My head pastor quirked a thoughtful brow and said nothing, while the church-plant pastor thought he'd challenge my statement. He said "Well, Jack, now whose fault is that?" My reply was simple.
"Jesus'. It's His fault for being so perfect. No man can live up to Him."
And then I did a mental victory lap. The church-plant pastor looked completely dumbfounded for a moment, until the head pastor literally bursted with laughter. Then we all started laughing. They still think I'm naive, but at least they know how clever I am.
It's not just clever, though. I've actually had that conversation with God... I've fallen in love with Jesus... I want a man as honorable, as true, as stoic, as noble, as loving, as sure... I've looked and I've longed... And no matter how desperately my romantic heart wants to find him or hopes that he's out there, my heart and my soul know the hard, cold fact that he simply does not exist. I want Jesus to be my husband... I want Yeshua... I want to live with Him for the rest of my days, I want to feel the warmth of His embrace, and the comfort of His presence... I want His wisdom to guide my steps, I want what He thinks is best for my life... I want Yeshua for my Master... No one else could ever compare.
And so, if He'll have me, I'd like to give myself to Him.
And incidentally, I've been wondering about how this decision will affect things in my life, and how I will relate to others... and I can say that it will hold some serious blessings... No more wondering if some guy thinks I'm attractive, or what so and so thinks of me, or what it might be like to be in a relationship with such and such... Or wondering how to avoid this guy or that... I can just be myself and lay all that down, because I have a mate, I have a Master... No more pressure... I can just be free to be myself among my brothers and sisters in the body... I can walk through my day with assurance and with peace...
There is precious freedom in the captivity of Christ...
-Jack-
