Happy Turkey Day
I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Ours was a challenge for various reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm thankful. Even for the trials.
Dad is up in Ohio with his girlfriend, and with my brother and sister-in-law. I got to dump off all my baby stuff on them, since they'll be having a boy this spring. I'm reeeeaaaally thankful for that, heh.
My older sister came down on Wednesday, and was going to be staying through the weekend, but she had to leave unexpectedly when her father-in-law passed away early Thanksgiving morning. We knew he didn't have long, but we thought he had a few more weeks. He had cancer too. Please be in prayer for my sister and her husband and his family.
My mom's dad ("Papa") apparently came down with pneumonia recently and was hospitalized (but apparently they forgot to tell me). He was released on Wednesday or Thursday, so that's good. Papa turned 80 recently. Tate and I need to go visit him more often. He lives in Birmingham with my mom's brother and his family.
So there are my updates. I have a lot of cleaning to do over here at Dad's house. It's kinda trashed what with the rushed exit of my older sister and her daughter (oh, and my younger sister went with them to help watch my neice). So I'm here at dad's looking out for my little brother for the weekend. I miss my bed, lol. I think Tate misses his too. At any rate, I need to get the house cleaned up before dad gets home tomorrow.
I got a chance to have my nails done yesterday. That was really really nice. It's one of those things I just love to do every once in a while. Reminds me I'm a woman and not a machine. Of course, the first thing I did was screw up the paint on 3 of them, but hey... what do I expect? heh... I got a full set with french manicure. It looks really pretty. And I got the little white palm tree on my left pinky for my mom. We girls in the family promised to always do that anytime we got our nails done, in honor of my mom. White palm tree, left pinky.
I miss my mom...
-Jack-
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Out Of Control
It's no secret I often feel that way... Like my life is some movie and I'm just watching it, powerless to do anything about it.
It's almost how I feel now... But for the moment, the final cut in this scene hasn't been taken. I feel like I have a chance at effecting something here. Like, I can't control what happens if I allow the scene to be spliced in, but I can decide whether it will be or not.
I'm probably not making any sense...
I know I've talked about things before seeming like a battle within me, but this is a whole new level... This is a level of war that I've not experienced, that I didn't even think possible... I don't understand why it's so strong this time. I just can't seem to get a grip on it right now. That scares me. That really really scares me. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of something. No, it's worse than that... more precarious than that... An edge implies there's merely a step back and you're safe. This is more like I'm on a pencil thin beam in the dead of night and the fog has just rolled in... There's no "safe" place anywhere close... I just have to keep going in the right direction for the simple fact that it is the right direction. There's no light up ahead, no glimmer of hope, there's no reward at the finish line--heck, there's no finish line period.
So this is what it's like...
I don't want to go through this... I know it'll make me stronger if I can just get through it, but I don't know if I can.
God, I HATE this. I HATE this part of me. I hate myself, I hate my feelings, I hate my HUMAN-ness. Please... Please take this away, I don't know how to do this, I'm afraid I can't do this. I don't want to fail You, God. Please don't let me screw up again. Please...
-Jack-
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The "D" Word
So yeah... I'm divorced. It's a big ugly wart on my past. An even bigger, uglier one if you know the highlights. So I'm going to give you the highlights, just so we're clear on the ugly...
I met James when I was 15. He was my brother's best friend. We started dating when I was 16, went off to college together when I was 18, got married when I was 20, separated at 21, and divorced at 23. Why the almost-two-years between separation and divorce? Well... we split up around our one year anniversary. The reason I didn't file for divorce shortly afterward was because I didn't have money for the attorney's fees, etc etc... and there was no rush. We were living in different states, blah blah... we basically ceased to exist to each other. I'll go into the details of that some other time... it was all very stupid.
At any rate... a few months after we separated, I met Jason... Tate's father... At this point in my life, you might call me saved, but I certainly wasn't living for God. I was worlds away from where I am now, spiritually... I moved in with Jason after a bit (not a long bit, either). And then I got pregnant... (I'll let you guess how).
Needless to say, one of the first things I did when I found out was file for divorce... The divorce papers ask if you are pregnant... Being the convicted sort of gal I was, I couldn't bring myself to lie on the paperwork. I mean, what if there was a snag and a hearing and I had to appear before a judge with a huge belly, all the while the paperwork proclaiming my unpregnantness is sitting right under his nose? So I told the truth and answered yes (where were these moral convictions when I separated from my husband?? Or when I moved in with someone?? Yeah... I don't know either).
Well, little did I know that in the state of Ohio, you cannot get a divorce if you are pregnant. Isn't that lovely? They make you wait until you've had the baby. Greeeeaaaat. So my divorce was not finalized until Tate was 4 months old. So I was married to James when I had Jason's child.
Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to shield Tate from it... I don't want him to ever have to know that... I don't know. Hopefully it'll never come up.
So there's some more ugly for you. Yet another layer of scum on the shower-curtain of my life. See, it doesn't quite paint an honest picture if I just say I'm a divorced single mom, eh? Ugh. I do some of the stupidest stuff.
I gotta get back to work. Learn from my mistakes -- Listen to the Holy Spirit.
-Jack-
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Just Curious
Have I ever talked about my divorce here? I mean, just the circumstances and what I've learned and where I'm at and all? Just curious... It's been on my mind lately, and I thought about blogging it... and then it occurred to me that I don't think I've ever talked about it here before...
At any rate. I have zero time and have to run, but hopefully this weekend I can knock out a post or two.
-Jack-
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Nudged Into The Not-Good
I'm in a place, a not-good place. I'm still on the edge of it, so I'm hoping that I can cross back over in time before I get stuck here...
There's been a lot going on with regards to my church family lately. A lot of struggles, some serious spiritual battles that I think most of the body is not even aware of. The Holy Spirit has revealed heaps and heaps to me, and long story short: I've been to afraid to speak up about it. And I've put it off for so long that I'm venturing into that heart-place of not caring anymore, and wanting to shut it all out---not the Holy Spirit, but rather my church. I don't want to do things I'm asked to do or participate in things, etc. I know the way out... but I'm afraid. One good thing about this not-good place, though, is that the not caring may actually help me to do what God has called me out to do, because caring about what they think is where the fear is coming from.
I need to just suck it up and obey my God. That's the bottom line. That's all that matters. Obedience to God. Who cares if I'm asked never to come back? I serve God, first and foremost. And I know exactly what He wants me to do. He's made it very clear. A little of my fear though is straight from the Enemy, trying to make me second guess the Holy Spirit, whispering things like "maybe you're wrong, maybe that's not what He wants... how can you be sure?" Seeds of doubt... No way, Satan.
At any rate, I'm just thinking out loud. I just want to obey God. So if you're trying to come up with something to pray about (heh...), I could always use some strength, resolve...
More later... Gotta run.
-Jack-
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Sorry! (and updates)
I'm sorry it's been so long. Things are just hectic. Usually I count on my lunch hour to come home and blog a bit, but I've had to split my one hour into two half hours in which I go up to Tate's daycare and give him his medicine. I haven't had any time at all. Next week, he should be much better and not need the meds anymore.
Thanks again, guys, for all the prayers and support.
Tate and I will be participating in the MS Walk tomorrow evening out at UCF. My boss has MS, and it's one of the disease states that I manage at work, so we're getting involved. I only raised about $250 though. I'd hoped to get more, but it was really difficult to find time to get out and get pledges with Tate recovering and all. But anyway.
I've been running on fumes the last week or so. Y'know that feeling when you've been up for like 24 or 36 hours and you feel all lightheaded and foggy? Yeah, that's me. Tooootally.
Oh, and that guy I talked about before? He wasn't there on Friday (no, I didn't neglect my recovering child on a friday night for my own pleasure---the poker game is at the house next door). But something very interesting did happen. We were just sitting around talking (they were drinking and talking, but hey). All of the sudden L blurted out a question along the lines of "why are you calling my husband all the time??" I'm like "WHA????" She was talking to me!! It was all sort of surreal, but basically, the alcohol loosened her tongue to the point where she had the nerve to ask something that had obviously begun to bug her of late. I was truly shocked that she thought this about me. I'm one of those people that is just ridiculously formal about things like that. People tease me and tell me I have these rule and etiquette books in my head. I have NEVER tried M's (her husband's) phone until I have tried hers. EVER. So I'll try her cell. Then I'll try her again usually. Then if I still don't get them, I'll call his. If no one answers, I go back to calling hers and that's the one I try until I get ahold of them. (yes, we have very bad signals, lol.)
At any rate, she apologized for being so brash about it, but admitted that she really did feel that way. So I deleted her husband's phone number from my phone while she watched. She promised me that she felt that way about everyone, and I know she does, but I thought that I was different, that she could relax around me. I knew about her insecurities, I know what caused it (an affair 2 years ago between her husband and her best friend). I was always extra careful, on purpose, because I wanted her to have someone that she could trust, that she didn't have to be worried about...
Apparently I failed. It's still eating at me... So if you think of it, pray for L. She needs strength... comfort... security.
So yeah... that's what's been happening. As far as my own personal state right now, I'm just tired... and I've been asking God for patience lately. I'm too easily riled up right now, and not in a good way. I'm quick to anger, and I don't like it. But I'm learning to ask not that things go my way, not even that I be "ok" with how things go, necessarily... But rather that my actions, no matter how I feel, would be Christlike. Like, for instance, if Tate wakes up fussing for the 10th time and I'm at my wits end, I want to be kind to him instead of angry. But I've stopped asking God to make him sleep through the night, etc... I've stopped asking that things go easy for me. I don't want things to go easy right now, because I know that God is working in my life to build my character and teach me lessons. So I've stopped asking Him to remove the stress... instead I'm asking Him to help me through it, help me learn and grow, help me to have patience and be slow to anger.
Ok, I'll shut up now... Sorry this was so random and boring.
Love Him... LOTS!
-Jack-
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Two Minutes
I have exactly two minutes, sorry. Tate's surgery went off without a hitch, thank you so much for all your prayers. He's recovering as expected, but he's anxious to get back out into the world. All is well, unless the pain meds wear off and then he freaks out because his throat hurts, but the crying only aggravates it, etc etc. But for the most part he's doing really well, he's been a real trooper.
I should be back in full force some time next week. Thanks again, gang. God bless!
-Jack-
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Here We Go...
Tate's surgery is scheduled for 8:15am Eastern tomorrow, November 2nd, 2004. Election Day. The day before his 3rd birthday.
I'm nervous.
Nothing to eat after midnight, nothing to drink after 3am. Be at the hospital at 6:15am. But they neglected to tell me what I'm supposed to tell my almost-3-year-old. Basically, I've just mentioned casually that he'll be seeing a doctor. If I told him anything beyond that, he'd completely flip out. So we'll just take it as it comes. On the way, I'm going to tell him that we're going to see a special doctor, and that while he takes a nap, the doctor is going to fix his nose and throat so that he can breathe better, and that when he wakes up he'll be sore for a little while but that he'll get to eat lots of ice cream and popsicles.
...I'm nervous.
So anyhow. Things seem chaotic as usual. I took Tate out around the block last night to steal candy from neighbors. He was Bob the Builder. He looked soooooooo cute. And I have sooooooo much candy. He's pretty much already forgotten all about it. Hehehe... Don't look at me like that, it's only fair. I made the kid. And I'm the one who has to deal with all-day tantrums and fussiness and wet beds and sleepless nights and all the other "joys of parenting" that they only gloss over. It's only fair I should be able to reap a little chocolate out of the deal.
...I'm nervous.
Please pray for Tate...
-Jack-
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