Out Of Control
It's no secret I often feel that way... Like my life is some movie and I'm just watching it, powerless to do anything about it.
It's almost how I feel now... But for the moment, the final cut in this scene hasn't been taken. I feel like I have a chance at effecting something here. Like, I can't control what happens if I allow the scene to be spliced in, but I can decide whether it will be or not.
I'm probably not making any sense...
I know I've talked about things before seeming like a battle within me, but this is a whole new level... This is a level of war that I've not experienced, that I didn't even think possible... I don't understand why it's so strong this time. I just can't seem to get a grip on it right now. That scares me. That really really scares me. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of something. No, it's worse than that... more precarious than that... An edge implies there's merely a step back and you're safe. This is more like I'm on a pencil thin beam in the dead of night and the fog has just rolled in... There's no "safe" place anywhere close... I just have to keep going in the right direction for the simple fact that it is the right direction. There's no light up ahead, no glimmer of hope, there's no reward at the finish line--heck, there's no finish line period.
So this is what it's like...
I don't want to go through this... I know it'll make me stronger if I can just get through it, but I don't know if I can.
God, I HATE this. I HATE this part of me. I hate myself, I hate my feelings, I hate my HUMAN-ness. Please... Please take this away, I don't know how to do this, I'm afraid I can't do this. I don't want to fail You, God. Please don't let me screw up again. Please...
-Jack-
