...so tired. I feel so incredibly sleepy today. Ugh. I have lots to say, and I'd love to blog, but I'm running late and have to get back to work. I just want to say... that the wave seems to be ebbing for the moment, but it will return when I see him again.
Hopefully he won't show up... Mark your calendars, people... Next friday night, a week from tonight. Let's hope he doesn't show up.
-Jack-
...in an epic attempt to beat the living crap out of each other. That's where I am right now. I'm so sick and tired of my heart. I mean, I have seriously had it. I do NOT want a relationship, I do NOT want to date, I do NOT want to have some "special someone" blah blah BLAH. I simply Do. Not. Want. It.
Period.
And then... there's my flippity, floppity, wishy-washy, good-for-nothing "heart". Or whatever that part of me is that falls for guys and daydreams and drives me absolutely NUTS. I hate it. I told Ames this weekend that I wish I could just find the stupid switch and shut it off. I develop "crushes" like some kind of 13 year old. I'll be 26 tomorrow. So when exactly am I supposed to grow out of this? Because I've seriously had it...
In other news... Julie has a survey y'all should go check out. It's research for her new book on marraige.
If you've found your switch, please help me find mine.
-Jack-
So I've been thinking... And I don't even think I can fully articulate it yet... But I have been thinking.
Why is it that people who struggle with same sex attraction define themselves as homosexuals? Before you get your backs up, let's expand on this. Ok, scratch that. You can get your backs up all you want, I'm going to keep going. I hope you'll join me:
Say I feel tempted to slip earrings in my pocket when I'm at the mall. Does this make me a thief? Say I feel tempted to do it every single solitary time I go to a store. Does this make me a thief?
No.
So why then does someone who is tempted with attraction to someone of the same sex feel that it is necessary to define themselves as gay, and defend that definition with zeal?
My thoughts are most specifically focused on people who exhibit three specific characteristics:
1) They believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God.
2) They believe that a homosexual lifestyle/homosexual behavior is sin.
3) They struggle with same sex attraction.
I'm talking about Christians who struggle to pull themselves out of or avoid the homosexual lifestyle, people for whom this is a real and difficult struggle, people who desperately want to live the life that God has for them. And yet... they consistently and aggressively define themselves as gay. And they defend themselves as gay with gays for gays by gays, etc etc etc. They identify only with the typical gay culture, from what I see--however they or I see it... And it baffles me. It really truly baffles me.
There is a difference between struggling with sin and temptation, struggling against your fleshly desires... and just giving in to it all and living in open rebellion against God. And yet, from the way they come across to me, these men and women are aligning themselves with those very people by definition. Even if they have "given in" before, even if they have "fallen down" or "backslid" or whatever... I've commited adultery, but I don't define myself as an adulteress... like some sort of label that seals my fate, and I just have to accept it and can never rise above it. I just don't understand. It seems like it's completely defeatist to me.
I guess the burning question in my mind is: if you don't want that for yourself, then why, intellectually, do you cling so fiercely to it? I don't mean emotionally or physically--as from personal experience I know that we often cling--emotionally and/or physically to things that are bad for us... but intellectually? I don't understand...
-Jack-
... well, that is to say I've censored myself. This is the first time I've ever deleted posts or comments, so don't get your panties in a bunch--I doubt it will ever happen again. I didn't pick and choose which ones could stay and which couldn't, I just chucked them all--so it's all fair.
I don't understand why we get encouragement and love and grace when we are feeling sad or distraught or alone or afraid or any other emotion/feeling/whatever... but if we feel frustrated or angry, that's just a no-no and people get bent out of shape at us and judge us. Seriously, what's up with that? And if all you're going to offer in response is more of the same, then don't bother.
None of my frustration is necessarily directed at any one or more of the readers/commenters here. I'm just frustrated in general.
-Jack-
So yeah, I forget that the people who were reading my blog 6 months ago are not necessarily the only people reading my blog now. My bad. Props to Nick for reminding me. So yeah, for anyone who doesn't know why my dad marrying his old secretary doesn't thrill me right now, go to my archives over there on the side and have a look at February. It was not, all in all, a good month for me... and it wasn't very long ago.
***The remainder of this post has been deleted by the blog owner, as have all related comments***
-Jack-
So I finally post, at the urging of the masses... and no one comments? Sheesh. Just kidding. Things are just so odd and off right now, I don't even know where to begin. Please be praying for Tate--we have an appointment with the E-N-T doc tomorrow morning at 8am Eastern. I'm a wreck.
Oh, and send lots of mental birthday cards to my little brother--he turns 16 today (but praise God that he doesn't have his license yet. I fear for the public...).
Anyway... Oh my gosh, I'm going to turn 26 this month. I'M SO OLD!!!!!!!!! Ugh. Well, in the whole scheme of things, my birthday is not very important right now. I've got much bigger problems in my life, as you guys are acutely aware...
Oh yeah... and then there's that other horrible news I meant to tell you. My dad told me he's planning on marrying his old secretary this summer. Isn't that nice? Yes, and he asked me if I was ok with that, and wants me to be honest... What else do you say??? Ugh... I cannot even go there right now.
Is this suffering??
-Jack-
There really aren't many. Heh. All is well with Ames, so that's a totally super huge massive mega relief. And you know, sometimes she's just way too insightful and she dredges up things that I don't even know are affecting me. I suppose that's just another reason I love her...
Seriously, not much is happening. I'm just sort of drifting right now, trying to decide whether or not I should take some time off from the worship team at church. I've had two very hard-to-swallow conversations in the past week. The second was the one with Amy I alluded to up there. The first one was with Debbie. She rocks. She and Sam (my drummer) are the surrogate parents I sometimes refer to. Anyway... I don't have time to detail the conversation, but I got pretty well put in my place. Although my pride is a bit wounded, I seriously needed it, because I honestly could not see it for myself. Basically, it had to do with the resistance I've given the other leader on the team. I think I'm too fundamental right now, and I'm making it difficult for him. I'm supposed to be guiding and submitting right now, all to the same person... and I just can't figure out how to do that. So I think I need to step back from the team and let things settle, let him get used to taking control in a few areas, and then come back into a more humble position. As it is now, everytime he needs to make a decision, he goes straight to me, and then if he doesn't like my answer, it stresses him out. He's getting burnt out fast, and I don't want that to happen. And I know that I'm the source of his frustration. He's so eager to please me and everyone else that he won't just make a decision without consulting me. But consulting me causes strife among everyone.
I don't know if any of that made sense, I don't have time to explain, I have to get back to work. Hopefully I'll have a day in the next week or so to sit down and really hammer out some thoughts.
Here's a thought, though: I was reading Romans this morning on my cigarette break at work (don't start). It was talking about sharing in Christ's suffering so that we might also share in His glory... An idea sort of hit me... Right before that it's talking about dying to the flesh and letting the Holy Spirit rule our minds and not sin. Christ's suffering was not being ridiculed or rejected... it was suffering against His fleshly body. Jesus was tempted as we were but He never gave in to it. Perhaps that is the suffering he meant... in denying ourselves, our flesh, our sinful natures... Just a thought. I probably didn't expound enough, as what's running through my head is more of a novel than a paragraph, but maybe some of you will get the idea.
Ok, I gotta run. Share His suffering.
-Jack-
Just about everyone in my life senses something is wrong or that I'm withdrawing. It's a little odd. I don't think I've been behaving any differently... I don't get how people are sensing it. I mean, yeah, here on the blog, everyone knows... But the people in my daily life have nothing to notice, and yet they are... It's weird, I don't know...
So I guess I'm going to try to emerge, somewhat, from the seclusion I've imposed upon myself. I'll be perfectly honest, I don't want to. I still want to hide. But I don't have that luxury, I guess.
I don't know...
I don't even feel like blogging...
Let's see, what shall we talk about? Hmmm... I've been very tired lately. Music rehearsal was a nightmare last night. What else? Oh, we performed out at the Lake Mary Art Festival last weekend. That went... ok, I guess. I think it was the first time that most of the band had played outdoors, and the sound guys were off to the side of the stage, which was NOT a good thing... Anyway... who cares.
I think my best friend might be mad at me. I haven't heard from her since this whole crap with "Brian" occurred. I mean, we don't usually talk everyday, sometimes we'll go a couple of weeks or so without catching up... But still... I don't know... I tried to call her the other day and got her voicemail... Left a message... she hasn't called back. It's fine if she's busy and all, but I just wonder if she's upset with me about something... So now I'm afraid to call her again, in case she is mad at me, because then I don't want to bug her and make her even more aggravated or something... I don't know. Maybe I should just stop worrying about it and call her. Or maybe I should just wait til she wants to call me... I don't know... I just know I miss her.
I'm gonna head back to work now.
Love God, love others... my heart's not in the rest of it. Just Love God and others...
-Jack-
I've noticed lately that I have a short fuse. I don't like it. It's like all my patience is gone. I snap at Tate all the time... I hate it. I don't know what's going on. I just don't feel like myself, and I don't feel happy.
-Jack-
