Simplify
Ok, I just read over that last post o' mine... Holy cow. That's a really long post. Sorry about that, I was kinda venting... So in an effort to simplify, I'll recap here so it's not so overwhelming. Then perhaps some of you will pipe up with your thoughts.
I need to get out of my house--not just want, but need, for the health and safety of Tate. But in order to afford it, I'd need to take Jason back to court, and request that he pay the full amount of child support to which Tate and I are entitled by law(about $50 more per week than he currently pays). I accepted a lesser amount initially to try to be nice to him, so it's kinda my fault (but now that Tate's in daycare, he owes even more anyway).
Should I? Keep in mind, Jason lives in Ohio. I live in Florida. That's to my advantage, but it's kindof a bum rap for him, because he'd have to come down here in order to fight it. But it wouldn't really do him any good anyhow. Is it right or fair for me to do this? I know that in the eyes of the law it is, but I just hate having to do this. But there's no way around it--I just can't afford it any other way. The other thing to keep in mind is that his payments have gotten sporadic lately... I'm just afraid that if I do this, he'll just quit his job and pay nothing... then I've screwed myself.
Ok, I'll shut up before this gets too long again. Please tell me what you think--I really don't know what to do.
-Jack-
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Help! (really long, panicky post)
Ok. I don't know what to do. I've haven't really posted much about Tate's dad, mostly because he just isn't really a mentionable part of mine and tate's life anymore. But I'm faced with a situation in which I don't know what to do.
Basically, I've got to get out of this house. In some ways I love this place, but the ways in which I don't (one in particular) are starting to seriously outweigh the others. I rent a 3 bedroom home on a lake. The location is perfection. The size of the house is perfection. The yard is MASSIVE and could be really beautiful (but it needs some attention that I don't have time to give to it). All this, and I only pay $550 a month. When I tell people how much I pay for my house, their mouths drop open in pure shock. First off, the entire Orlando area is pricey. Cost of living here is ridiculous. The only reason I got this place so cheap is because it's OLD and in need of some serious updating. We're in FLORIDA, people, and I don't have central air. The phone company came out and pulled out a phone outlet that they stopped making phones to fit in like the seventies. I've got old wood-framed windows that would probably fall right out if you pushed on them. But it's cute, it has character, and the location could NOT be better. See, the owner bought the house fast and cheap when the previous owner wanted to dump it. She bought it, tenant and all. The previous tenant rented this place for FIFTEEN years. Who rents for 15 years??? She could have owned the place!! Whatever. Anyway. So the house just slowly fell apart while this woman lived in the spare bedroom for 15 years.
Anyway, back to the story. In the renters agreement, pest control is my responsibility. Anyone who lives around here knows that bugs are a HUGE problem. It's one of the reasons all the homes are built out of concrete block now. Heh, mine isn't. So after a while, I've seen enough roaches to send me packing so I call up the best pest control company in the area (Middleton). They come out and give me a one-year service agreement for approximately $500. Ouch. Ok. I pay it. Well, they come and practically sponge bathe my house in chemicals. Cool. Then I start seeing roaches again. WHA?? I just payed $500 to get rid of them! So Middleton comes out again (subsequent service calls are free! yay!). And the bugs go bye-bye. For a while... I start seeing them again. Mind you, Middleton's treatment is so powerful that they only need to treat inside the home ONCE PER YEAR. And yet, I've had 3 treatments in about 4 months. Hmmm... So they do a little digging, and they notice in my laundry room (where there are unfinished walls) that the house has what appears to be extensive termite damage. Ruh-roh. Guess I'm not going to buy it, as I had been considering. So they do a thorough examination of the exterior (aluminum siding). Looks like whoever put this up did a REALLY bad job. There are gaps all over the place.
Their verdict: whoever owned this house before finally noticed all the termite damage and threw up siding poste-haste to cover it up while they sold it off real quick.
What this means for me: There's nothing that can be done to stop the bugs from getting into my house unless the whole thing is re-sided. They can treat all they want, but they can't stop them from getting into my house.
Soooo. I'm done. I've had it. I cannot stand to see another roach in my bathtub, or under tate's bed, or in my kitchen, or crawling down the wall in my bedroom. Now, mind you, it's not like I just walk through my house seeing them all the time. But it's more than once a week, and I just can't take it. Winter is no problem, usually--I never see them then. But the warm weather has hit with a vengeance and so, apparently, have the roaches. I just got treated again a few weeks ago, and I still see them. There's one dying in my bathtub right now.
I can't take it anymore. I just can't do it. I refuse to live with the possibility of a roach crawling over my son in his sleep... touching our food, our clothes... It's beyond repulsive. These things carry diseases, for crying out loud. So if there is anything I can do to prevent Tate from living among these hideous creatures, I'm going to do it. But with my income the way it is, I can't afford anything else right now. The cheapest 2 bedroom apartment I can find (that doesn't put us at risk in whole new ways) is $800/mo... $250 MORE per month than I currently pay, for something LESS than what I have (roaches aside).
Boy, that was a lengthy lead-up to the dilemna, eh? Ok. So here's the dilemna. Jason pays two child-supports (one for his daughter of 13, I believe, and one for Tate), both in the amount of $110/week. I was actually awarded about $120/week, but I told him I wouldn't take more than he pays for his daughter. This was when my mother was watching Tate while I worked. Ok. The way child support works in Florida: (non-custodial parent's income) + (custodial parent's income) = total parent income, from which they derive a certain amount of "cost of care" for the child. Then, they calculate each parent's responsibility in that figure, based on their personal income, in percentage of the total. For instance: if Jason's income was $2000/mo and my income was $1000/mo, then the state might say that a child in a $3000/mo income home requires $600/mo in care expenses. Jason's income is 66% of the total income, so he would pay 66% of the amount required to care for the child, or $400/mo. That's child support.
Now, this does NOT include daycare costs. Based on Florida law, the non-custodial parent is responsible for 75% of daycare costs, in addition to the child-support award. So here's the deal: Tate has to be in daycare now (since mom got sick, and subsequently passed away), but my income has gone up from the previous calculation. So I did a little calculating again (not definite, but it gives you an idea of what to expect) and it's fairly safe to assume that with daycare in mind, Jason would now be required to pay me at least $160/wk.
Now. I used to get a check for $110 every week, almost like clockwork. I wouldn't get anything when he'd spend a week down here visiting, but that was fine... one or two weeks that first year were slow, so he'd be layed off and I wouldn't get anything, but that was ok. But now, I haven't seen more than maybe 8 of the weekly child-support checks since about October.... I don't know what to do. Starting in November, he supposedly got laid off a lot. I stopped getting checks, called him up, "oh, work's slow, i got laid off, but i'm going back in next week"... then i'd get one check and then no more, call him again "oh, i thought i told you, yeah, i was off for 2 weeks, then back on for a week, then off for 3 more" ok, Jason, could you at least just warn me when you aren't working, so that I know things will be tight? "Sure, no problem, i'm sorry, i thought i did." so then i see two checks and then they stop coming, i call, "oh, i didn't tell you? yeah, i've been off for like 3 weeks now, and it'll probably be another 2 or 3..." meanwhile, i'm penniless and starving. literally. that happened right around christmas. i couldn't even buy groceries, let alone presents for tate, so my mom did. even through all that, God provided, it was awesome.
Ok, anyway. Now Jason says he's been back to work for over a month, and I haven't gotten a check. Usually there is a 2 week delay from the week he works until I see the check from that week. Well, I still haven't seen a check. They garnished most of his tax return to pay all the support he owed to his daughter and tate. He got his tax return, along with a letter explaining where the money went. It said they took $1100 for Tate... ok, that was a month ago. Where is it? I haven't been able to get ahold of anyone at child support to find out because the only time they are open and i'm not working is my lunch break, and i sit on hold waiting for the next available representative until it's time to go back to work. So basically, there should be at least $1500 coming to me from that, but I can't bank on it because I don't know what's going on.
So my question now that you know the intimate details of the innerworkings of Florida's child-support system along with all MY dirty laundry... ugh... is: Should I take him back for the $160+ that he is legally bound to provide so that I can get out of this nightmare house, or just leave it go and live among disease-carrying mini-monsters? Mind you, I've also found 3 brown recluse spiders INSIDE MY HOUSE, along with the usual Floridian host of assorted spiders, silverfish, etc.
Help! What do I do? I know I'm entitled to that money, but I also fear ticking him off so that he quits his job or something and I'm left with no help... And I hate that I need his help. I don't want to need it. But I do... so what should I do? Daycare costs $120/week for crying out loud... And that's not just his--that's all of them. I actually switched daycares to save $7/week! ugh. I don't know what to do... Help...
-Jack-
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Not A Clue
I don't have any idea why I'm blogging right now... Don't even know what to say. I just found myself here on my lunch break.
Let's see... Worship practice is tonight. That should be interesting... and tense... Also spoke with an InterVarsity guy last night, gonna see if I can get involved there. Don't know how or when, but God's just doing His thing right now. I can't fathom it, in my present circumstances, so I have no choice but to trust Him. I like it best that way. When things are too clear or easy, I start relying on my own strength and understanding... and we all know where that gets Jack. Heh.
I can't help feeling like there's something I should say right now, but I don't know what. It's driving me crazy. Maybe I should just shut up and listen to the Holy Spirit, but then my brain is saying "But you only have a few minutes left, and then you have to go back to work--you don't have TIME to shut up and listen to the Holy Spirit"... and then I go "What?!? Who doesn't have TIME for the Holy Spirit?!? Shut up and listen." So I'm going to shut up.
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Ok, here goes. Don't know who, but:
You need to be still, and listen... really listen. That doesn't mean be still and rationalize in your own mind, or think it over... but LISTEN. He's showing you something and you don't understand it, and it goes against what you're accustomed to, so you're rejecting it without even grasping it. You're not even tossing the idea back, because you haven't caught it yet. Stop applying "common sense", and past experience, and all the things other people have told you, and all that other previous "programming" to the thoughts He's planting in you. Sit down, shut up, and let them take root. This is it--this is God working inside you, changing you from the inside out. Let it happen. He has such plans for you... but you have to let Him work them... and to do that, you must first be still and listen...
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I had to, just to be able to do that. See, now I'm thinking about those dadgum spiritual gifts tests again, and how they freak me out, and I just don't want to think about it. But I know better... God is telling me better, I should say. Even though it scares me, and I would rather just be rational and civilized and not think about it, there's no denying the supernatural. It's so much safer, isn't it? To pretend that it's something totally removed from us? To believe that it exists and is just as real as flesh and bone, but to just not let it take hold in our minds or find a place in our lives? But that's not what God wants. The "supernatural" is just as real as the natural, and there is no denying it. None. Whatsoever. And so to grow in Christ, we must acknowledge how we are gifted through the Holy Spirit... So I'm working on that.
Here's an exercise in openness. Share what your spiritual gifts are. Just leave a comment and tell us what yours are. I'll even go first. No judging. No fear. Just spit it out.
I knew I'd have a high score in Music, and I figured I probably would in Shepharding. I was right on both counts. But what I was not prepared for was the equally high scores I received in Wisdom, Discernment, and Prophecy. Deep down, I think I may have expected the wisdom or discernment, but that's for another day. I don't know. Just kinda scares me...
Ok, your turn. If you don't know what yours are, there are TONS of places online to take a test and get an idea... Just do a yahoo search for spiritual gifts tests. Can't wait to hear from you!
- Jack -
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yyyyyyyyay!
Justin's back! Woo-hoo!
I so totally missed his site. It up and disappeared a while ago and he didn't even write to say he was going away, he was just GONE. ugh. But the prodigal son has returned home and I ran to him and embraced him and ordered the fatted calf to be slaughtered... oh wait, that's a parable. I just welcomed him back.... I think... Ok, no I didn't, I scolded him. I told him never to do that again. Well, it serves him right!
LOL, anyway. Just thought I'd pop in on my lunch break. I can't find my paycheck... I misplace EVERYTHING I tell ya. Oh, and I traded my car in on a new one for my dad, and he gave me his truck. So now I have a cute little Ford Ranger. Yay me! I look goooood. Just kidding!
Anyway. I'm feeling a little manic/frenetic today... in case it wasn't obvious by my post.
Can I just stop right now and tell you that having a burning desire to do something and not be able to do it actually physically hurts? It does. I really really does. I cannot tell you how desperately I want to be in full time ministry... I see all these opportunities, all these needs... and yet I continue to go in to my cushy little job that pays all my bills and blah blah blah blah blah... UGH. Patience is a virtue... one that I have not yet acquired. I just can't stop from thinking "Y'know, if someone is hungry, I can't think that God wants me to WAIT a couple of years to feed them." But I'm just trying to rationalize it so that I can go out and try to do it in my own power and make a big mess of things, but OOOOOOOH how I long to chuck the job and just go work for God ALL the time...
ok, before I start listing all the things I want to do, I'll just shut up now. Ugh. It's so incredibly frustrating. UGH UGH UGH!
Ugh.
-Jack-
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Where to begin?
Seems like a lot is happening in my life right now... Feels a little chaotic. Not looking for the answer in all of it--just looking for God. Trying anyway. Sometimes it's hard to stay focused, when you're spinning in circles. At any rate... a few little updates:
For the last 3 days running, Tate has broken out in some kind of hideous, violent rash around mid to late afternoon. It's onset is seemingly unprovoked, and after it causes him pain and gives off massive amounts of his body heat, it then vanishes, much the same as it arrives. He's been in totally different places each time, having had totally different food each day, doing totally different activities. No one can explain it. It starts small but quickly covers virtually his entire body. His skin becomes bright red, and welts appear. His tongue begins to hurt him, his cheeks swell up. It's totally and completely bizarre. Rachael was holding him during today's outbreak, and the amount of heat coming off his body actually caused her to sweat. I've spoken with 3 nurses so far, and not one of them has a clue.
Also, Dave, worship leader at my church whom I've posted about occassionally, announced Wednesday night at practice that he was resigning, effective Sunday after church... I have no idea what this means for the team, to be quite honest... We'll just have to wait it out and see. Chuck (my pastor) made it clear in my conversation with him today that we will not be pursuing a new worship leader from outside the church. The church leadership feels very strongly about this, they will be developing from within, so to speak. We have some great talent, I think they are making a good call... not an easy one, but a good one. Afterall, we're looking at having another church officially planted in 15 months. We need to have some people ready to start a worship ministry there too.
Anyway... so that's kinda how my week has been going. I'm really excruciatingly tired, and am going to bed now.
Seek Him always.
-Jack-
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The Death Of A Dream
Mac left yesterday... This week was really great. I'm so glad he was able to come. We had a blast, did a bunch, spent tons of time together...
Yeah... there's a "but"...
We've discovered some differences that would just be too difficult to overcome, and have decided that we're going to bring our relationship to the level of friendship, and keep it there. The engagement, as it were, is off... I won't be going to South Korea this summer.
And so... the death of a dream...
-Jack-
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In Proverbs 24:26, Solomon says: "An honest answer is a sign of true friendship."
Let me start by saying that I've been there... and that for this post, I'm going to borrow from Rick Warren in The Purpose Driven Life quite heavily (simply because when I read his section on this topic, it stated precisely and concisely just about every thought I've ever had on the matter). I also want you to know that I am not singling out Scott and pointing fingers at him. He just provided a very nice segueway into something that has been on my heart for the past couple of years, actually. I love Scott--He's been an awesome encouragement and example as I find my own way back to God, and back into His family. He is my brother in Christ, and I say what I say in a spirit of truth, love, and encouragement. This is not even directed at him literally, but rather more figuratively, because it's for all the people that have expressed such sentiments. That being said, let's dive in:
There are sooooo many directions I'd love to go on this, but to keep it from getting overwhelming I'm going to try to focus on one major portion of what was said.
Scott said: "I've been able to get back on the right track without attending a church. And while I understand that we as Christians need to be part of a church body, I don't think I've yet found a church that really makes me feel stronger in my walk. Yes, I enjoy the church I am going to again, but I can't say that I am always spiritually fed when I go."
The first sentence of that statement says two things to me. To put them plainly:
1. "I've been able to get back on the right track" = I can do it all by myself
2. "without attending a church" = God's design is unnecessary
The first statement is obviously pride. It is saying "Look at me, how great I am. I have overcome, I have done good, I don't need anyone's help." I know that wasn't what he intended to say, but that's what was conveyed nonetheless. Call it a freudian slip. Proverbs 11:20 says "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom", and 16:8 says "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." I'm not admonishing or chastising here so much as warning, because I love all of you. I myself struggle with pride not just day to day, but moment to moment. Again and again, the Scriptures point out those that God punished for pride... whatever they were prideful about, it is that which God took away. So of all the things in the world, we mustn't boast of the richness of our faith, we mustn't take pride in how close we walk with God... it's the first thing He will expose for rags, the first thing he will rip from our hands.
The second statement quite literally flies in the face of Scripture. It's fairly safe to assume that if God created it, then it's quite necessary. We may not be able to understand it's necessity (for instance, roaches), but everything He made was made for a reason. He designed each living creature with a purpose, and a general modus operandi. We humans have several purposes to fulfill, and one of them is being a member of His family.
Romans 12:4-5 says that we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. And so it is with Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we?
If an organ is somehow severed from its body, it will shrivel and die. It cannot exist on its own, and neither can we as individuals. We are not just called to believe, but to belong. We are created for community, formed for His family, and none of us can fulfill God's purposes by ourselves. Membership in the family of God is neither inconsequential nor something to be casually ignored. The church is God's agenda for the world. Jesus said in Matthew 16:18, "I will build my church, and all the powers of hell will not conquer it." The person who says "I don't need the church" is either arrogant or ignorant. The church is so significant that Jesus died on the cross for it. Ephesians 5:25 says that "Christ loved the church and gave His life for it."
Rick had a very nice way of putting it:
The Bible calls the church "the bride of Christ" and "the body of Christ." I can't imagine saying to Jesus: "I love you, but I dislike your wife." Or "I accept you, but I reject your body." But we do this whenever we dismiss or demean or complain about the church. Instead God commands us to love the church as much as Jesus does. The Bible says, "Love your spiritual family." Sadly, many Christians use the church but don't love it.
Rick goes on to list 6 reasons why you need a church family, all interpreted from direct Scripture passages:
1. A church family identifies you as a genuine believer.
2. A church family moves you out of self-centered isolation.
3. A church family helps you develop spiritual muscle.
4. The Body of Christ needs you.
5. You will share in Christ's mission in the world.
6. A church family will help keep you from backsliding.
God's designed it this way. He set things up in such a way that we actually need the church, we need to be a part of it. Fellowship with other believers is not a bonus, people--it's a necessity.
So now I ask you this: have you really done as well as you think you have all by yourself? How much further down that right track would you already be if you had been plugged in to your local body of believers?
Ok, this is getting to be pretty long, so I'm just going to skip down to the last portion of the statement of Scott's that I quoted: "Yes, I enjoy the church I am going to again, but I can't say that I am always spiritually fed when I go."
I'm gonna try to keep my response to this short: You've missed the point. We don't go to church "to be fed", but rather "to feed." One reason you need to be connected to a church family is to serve other believers in practical ways. Your service is desperately needed in the body of Christ--just ask any local church!
I love the way Rick illustrated a particular point: What happens when one part of your body fails to function? You get sick. The rest of your body suffers. Imigine if your liver decided to start living for itself: "I'm so tired! I don't want to serve the body anymore! I just want a year off just to be fed! I've got to do what's best for me! Let some other part take over." What would happen? Your body would die.
Pretty telling, isn't it? Today, thousands of local churches are dying because of Christians who want to be fed, rather than feed... because of Christians who are unwilling to serve. They sit on the sidelines as spectators, and the Body suffers.
You are commanded to serve God. For Christians, service is not optional, something to be tacked onto our schedules if time permits. It is the heart of the Christian life. Jesus came "to serve" and "to give." These two verbs should define our entire lives here on earth.
The church is not there to serve you. The church is not a business in the service industry. It is the Body of Christ, God's family. It is not a president and board members and managers and hourly wage-ers. It is brothers and sisters in Christ. It isn't there to serve you--it IS you.
Maybe what's missing from these local churches that we go looking for to be all that we want them to be and fulfill all our needs... is us.
-Jack-
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Holy. Cow.
Holy COW..... oh my goodness, HOLY STINKIN' COW!!! Aaron leaves to COME HERE in like 24 HOURS!!!!!!!! WHOAH!!!
YYYYYAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!! How COOL is that?? Wow... oh wow... Ok, I'm kinda nervous. But I'm SO EXCITED!!
(Can you tell?)
Wow... I have so much to do. I have to find some way to get my lawn mowed by Saturday afternoon. eee-GADS. Ok. Ok. Ok...
Y'know what's really weird? He's going to land before he takes off. How weird is that? His plane leaves Korea at noon, and lands in Chicago at 9:30 in the morning. Pretty neat, huh? Then he has an almost 4 hour lay-over in Chicago, and then he heads to Orlando, to arrive at approximately 5:00 pm, EST. Wow!! He's probably going to be really tired, and not be real excited when he gets here, since he'll have just spent like 20 hours travelling. Poor guy.
I'm so nervous. What should I wear? What should I do? What should I say? EEK!! LOL, YAY!!
Please pray for safety in his travels, and comfort for both of us as he arrives and we meet. The last things I want are insecurities and awkwardness buzzing around us as we finally get to be together.
Thank You SOOOO much, God!!
-Jack-
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