Stunned...
I think that describes it best right now... not even numb, as I first thought. Just stunned. Like the opposite of numb but so close you have to strain to feel the difference. To where I feel everything at once and it all sort of neutralizes one another until it's almost numb but not quite the same.
I'm stunned. I'm shocked and hurt and stunned and blown away and betrayed and confused and deceived and lost and all these things...
I got beat down... I got depressed and hurt. I had held on to what I knew, and what I had, and was told for a long, long time... but recently, it started becoming more and more faint--or weak, I guess you could say. I stood steadfast. But I began to doubt. I ignored it at first, turned away from it. But soon I began to believe there was no way to deny it. I guess I've been a fool. I guess I only saw what I wanted to see, and believe what I wanted to believe, and hear what I wanted to hear... for so long. The reality of it slapped me in the face and told me to go away. There's no denying anymore, it told me to go away.
I was so hurt. I was angry. With that reality, with myself for buying into it... with God for letting me be such a fool. For letting me think He wanted me to remain steadfast. Wait and bear the burden I have given you, Jessica. Hold tight, for I know the plans I have for you... How could I have been so wrong? The weight of it was crushing. It threw my whole world into a tailspin. I wanted to stop it.
I was so deceived...
