What a mess...
Do you ever feel like your life is just a mess? Not always, but just for a brief moment, you step back and take stock and wonder where the heck all this crap came from? How did I get here? To this... this mess...
But you tilt your head to the side in curiosity, and--wait a second--it's not such a mess, really... there is beauty... there is love... there is joy... it's just that it's not how you thought it would be. And this just happens to be a none-too-pleasant moment in it.
But do you keep going like it is, work with what's there... or do you draw it all back in, reorganize, and start over? I've written before about how I've attempted that very thing, the "stopping", shall we call it? The reigning in of it all to start over... It never goes very well for me. As a matter of fact, it's been those times that I've done it that have turned out to be the worst times of my life, generally speaking... where I am lost in a desperate attempt to even ascertain a starting point, let alone get going toward anything or anywhere...
So I guess I just answered my own question... God made me not to stop, but to keep going, through whatever it is I find myself in. I will keep moving forward, working with what I have, acquiring what have you along the way (i would say "good or bad" here, but it seems more appropriate to say "good and bad"), making what I can of what surrounds me, and letting Him handle the whole lot of it, really.
I need to just let go... Let Him take me where He wants. I need to stop overanalyzing and start trusting. After all, I'm going to get there one way or the other... but the journey is much less painful and stressful if I follow Him instead of being dragged kicking and screaming and trying to rationalize it all. One thing I know for sure is different: My heart has hardened to some extent in some ways... unintentionally of course, but I'm thankful I have the presence of mind to recognize it. I know now that is a gift not everyone has.
Ok, I think I'm done rambling... I'm sure this has made very little if any sense to anyone else out there... But I needed it. Just so we (or I) am clear: I'm going to soften, I'm going to relax and enjoy the journey...
...or at least I hope I am.
- Jess
