3.29.2005

So I Went...

It wasn't great... It wasn't horrible... it was more of a "testing of the waters" if you will. To which I was told that I need to either get in or go home.

Well, she didn't say it like that precisely, but that's basically what she meant. She's right, though. Most of the people she sees are desperate to be there--lives falling apart, marriages crumbling... and with that desperation comes a willingness to open up, to do anything it takes to end the pain or the suffering or the misery, whatever it takes to heal. She's not going to waste my time or hers trying to get me out of the hedges. She can't help me unless I let her, and that requires opening up and actually wanting to be there and wanting to deal with my crap.

So I guess I'm going to... or I'll try anyway.

Her analysis of me? I'm emotionally dead (well, earlier in the session she said "emotionally detached" but by the end, she actually said "emotionally dead"). I loathe anything I perceive to be weakness. And there's a lot of stuff from all my crap/baggage that crops up all the time to affect me in ways that I'm not even aware of. But I can learn to recognize these things, and analyze them... The good ones we'll leave alone, and the bad we'll deal with.

So I went... So I'll go back. But I'm taking a week off before I go back. Hopefully that'll give me some time to settle into the idea of actually doing what is required if I hope to gain anything from this experience. And it'll let me go to the worship night next week with Hillsong United. Very cool.

- Jack

P.S. - She didn't even have a notebook in the room!

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3.27.2005

Easter

Yes, we all know it's Easter, so I'll skip the token Easter-related post.

I've been slipping further and further into whatever it is I'm slipping into... Darkness, sadness, helplessness, feeling overwhelmed... or whatever... I suppose the timing is just beautiful, since I have my first session this Tuesday evening. I don't know exactly why, but I felt so incredibly sad today. I mean, not this morning, when the church was gathered and we were celebrating... But ever since I left there this afternoon, I've felt so horribly sad, and in a way numb.

Ugh. I don't even want to talk about it.

Anyway. In other news: There's a tree on my house. Yes, you read that right. There is a downed tree covering approximately 4/5 of my back yard and half my house... it's loverly, I tell ya. I don't think there's much if any damage... But it's a little odd. Though, with the weather we get, it's a wonder it hasn't happened before.

And in other other news: Hillsong United is coming to Orlando! Woo-hoo! I'm there. It's going to be at Calvary Assembly on April 5th. It's a Tuesday, so I'll have to miss my "session"... oh well.

K, I'm gonna go to bed now. I know, it's only 10:30, but I have a massive sleep deficit that I'm trying to make up. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately---so that might explain my mood. Anyhow, ciao peoples.

- Jack

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3.21.2005

"Are you still alive?"

Yes.

It's funny, I check my email pretty much at least once a day, often more. But tonight I had over a dozen people asking me questions along the lines of that there title. Made me feel good that people cared but also bad that I hadn't kept up with connecting to other humans. So it was a reminder to reach out again. I'm feeling it again---the isolation, the dark mood, etc...

To answer some other questions that were asked:

No, I haven't started counselling yet. The pastor gave me a card to call and work out a schedule. It's going to take a lot of nerve to make that call... Please pray for that if you think of it.

And yes, I have a new crush (run for your lives!!)... And no, it's not something that would ever work out, so don't worry, I'm not going near it. I actually, in some ways, find it all very amusing... as though I'm watching my emotions/hormones/whatever-it-is as a bystander and chuckling at the absurdity of it all... I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't want a relationship... I really don't. I've been trying to figure out just why exactly, aside from the fact that I don't think it's what God wants for me... I think some of it has to do with the fact that I just don't think I can handle any more work right now... I'm stretched thin as it is. Anyway, that's boring, let's move on.

Tate's doing well and growing like it's his job or something. And Tink... well, she's growing even faster. She is 5 1/2 months old, and weighs 67.2 pounds. The vet told me this weekend that by 9 months, she'll probably hit 100 lbs. She's considered a puppy until she's 18 months old... oh dear. But alas, she has "puppy acne"... that's a real medical term, can you believe it?? I have to go get Vitamin A and Fish Oil for her. Fun.

While Tate doesn't weigh nearly as much as Tink, he is a great deal smarter. Each day I am astounded by all that he learns. He's just like me in that regard--always hungry to know more. We're like little sponges. And physically, he's like both myself and his dad... I guess that's what happens when both your parents are athletes. He's three years old and just yesterday he picked up my younger brother's "razor scooter" for the first time and had it down pat in under 3 minutes. Dad took him to dinner the other night to a japanese steakhouse, and Tate ate with chopsticks. I thought my dad was exaggerating when he said, "he just picked them up like he'd never seen a fork in his life." I saw the pictures tonight and dad was right--I was amazed.

I learned a little myself tonight... My tires were bald, so bad that on one my belts were showing. So dad made me take my truck up to Firestone after work. They were a half hour from closing but they said my tires were so bad that they'd stay late, because they weren't going to let me back on the road in the rain with those tires. It was funny.. But anyway, I got to see how they change tires, and learn what the different machines do. The machine that checks the alignment is soooo cool. And the one that checks the balance is pretty nifty too.

So there. I highly recommend you go have your tires balanced and aligned and all that good stuff. It's entertaining and educational. Ok, I'm done rambling now.

-Jack

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3.10.2005

Oh Boy...

... I said yes. It's a long story, and I'll blog it later on when I have more time, but he stuck it to me last night and I agreed to try the counselling.

Oh boy...

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3.07.2005

The "C" word

Conjures images of... well, whatever it conjures for you, it's sheer horror for me. Lying back on a cheesy chaise and going on and on about myself, babbling endlessly just to fill the silence because there's someone sitting across from me expecting me to do just that, all the while making little notes about me like "self-involved" and "never shuts up", even though that's what I'm supposed to be doing, right??

Yeah... counselling... (shudder)

So one of my pastors brings up counselling every time I talk to him. And it's the one who will hopefully someday be my boss. He'll be the head pastor at the new church plant we're gearing up for. He wants me to try counselling... (shudder) It drives me nuts on the one hand, because he's just one of those guys that's so real, y'know? I mean, I so completely admire that in him, it's one of the reasons I think he's going to do so well, and why I'm so excited about this church plant--because I want people to be real, and I think it'll happen at the new plant. But anyway... He's one of those people that, when he asks you how you're doing he's looking you straight in the heart, and lying or blowing it off is simply not an option.

I'm a person that has a tendency to hide behind the super sunshiney explosive exterior. I have a natural enthusiasm that, while completely genuine, has a habit of masking anything else about me so that I can hide all the rest of me that isn't quite so happy and zany all the time. He knows that, he's got a real gift for discernment. I told him yesterday that it's really hard to not be real with him. His reply? Typical male cockiness: "Yeah, I know" with a big fat grin. Gotta love him.

So he's finally tiptoed around the subject with me long enough to push me in the pool. He asked me to really think hard about it, and take it to God. And I'm trying to, I really am... But I just have all these mountains of preconceived notions about the whole thing (see opening paragraph). I grew up in a tough, rather old-fashioned, Southern home. I grew up with the idea that counselling is for snivelling babies who can't get their sh*t together, basically. It's for people who are weak. People who can't cope. Poor little rich kids who want someone else to blame.

To an extent, I can obviously see the harshness of such a notion... but to the other extent, soften it up a bit and I believe it's totally true. I mean, look at the history of the early church. They were stoned, beaten, ridiculed, crucified, etc etc etc... and you didn't see them on comfy couches crying their eyes out because daddy wouldn't let them have a dog when they were six which has led to issues with codependence. Right? Who am I to pay someone to listen to me whine about the grave emotional injustices perpetrated on me by little red-headed Luke D. in the 3rd grade?

Ninety dollars a session. That's what it costs to see the counsellor he thinks would be best for me. And he says that if I decide to do it, then don't worry--he'll raise the money. Instantly, my mind flashes to the TWELVE children in Uganda that I could sponsor with what that would cost a month. So I say as much. He brilliantly retorts that the counselling would be temporary---anywhere from a 8 or 12 weeks to a year at most, and that's only if I have some really heavy stuff to work out (little does he know, right? oh wait, you don't know yet either...woops). And he goes on to say that if I want to measure in terms of feeding children, then how many more can God use me to feed if I take the time to heal, and to work through some of these issues that are keeping me from being all He intends for me to be.

Was that not so low??? Ugh... so not fair.

On a side note, is there anyone else out there who thinks like me, with the whole feeding children thing?? Am I just crazy? I actually think about that when considering financial commitments, etc (i.e., "Let's see, I can either sign up for cable, or give two children across the world a chance at life). And sometimes, though admittedly unfairly, I judge others by it (e.g., "Like Britney Spears needs all $52 million--what, she just can't survive on $26 million?? She could save an entire nation!!"). I know it's wrong of me, and I'm working on it, but I just thought I'd take a moment and admit that about myself. Anyhow...

So I'm currently struggling with the "C" word... I'm gonna have to explore this topic more here, I do believe... I have noticed that it helps keep me in check to use the blog as my sounding board, as opposed to my head. That way y'all can keep me in line, since I have a tendency to get off track... Maybe this'll turn out to be therapeutic and then I won't have to go to counselling! That would be really nice. Blogapy... or Therablogging... Counseblog... nah.

I'm not opposed to healing or dealing or whatever... I guess it's just my preconceived ideas about the method... and the flaws I find with the method, all notions aside... I don't know...

I guess I'm just rambling now. I'll shut up.

-Jack

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3.03.2005

The Big, Cheesy (read: Fake) Hypothetical...

So I've, um, got this friend... and she has this friend... and she doesn't know what to do about the aforementioned friend...

Ugh. So Jack has hit the mother of all connundrums... For the first time in her life she is both attracted to a guy (yes, here we go again--skip it if you don't want to hear it), AND she really really truly values his friendship, in and of itself, completely independent of the attraction...

This is serious headlining stuff for her. Usually, her attraction creates the motive for friendship (i.e., to get close, get to know, etc)... But now, for the first time ever, the attraction is getting in the way. And I do mean seriously getting in the way.

It's completely aggravating. I've never wanted to flip the switch so bad, because I want this person's friendship. I mean, for pity's sake he's not even that cute... Well, don't get me wrong, he's extremely attractive... ex-treme-ly... but not to the point that I should be quite so ga-ga at the thought of him as I am...

And it's sooo frustrating and conflicting... I mean, I know I don't date anymore. And he knows I don't date. And that knowledge has provided this beautiful impasse that frees us to have a friendship... and that's where it all goes downhill. My stupid hormones get in the way and trip me up with thoughts I have no business having. And I really don't want to have them... which is strange for me...

I know that God is in control. I know that, ultimately, it is God who will decide whether I am to give my life to someone or not... and so for the present I strive to keep myself pure... in word... in deed... in thought...

It seems like for every new depth He takes me too, an equally profound depth of struggle emerges... It seems unfair. But who am I to judge?

-Jack-

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3.01.2005

Hick-Speak!

Or... Trucker-speak? Or... whatever. My new favorite word is: Ten-fer. When pronounced properly, it would be Ten-Four, but in hickspeak, it's ten-fer!

Examples of Usage:
"So will you come with me to the party?"
"Ten-fer, sister."

"Hey, is that the new Switchfoot Album?"
"Ten-fer, brother"


I know I'm not a hick. As a matter of fact, I'm rather obsessive about the proper use and pronunciation of every stinkin' word in the dictionary. But it's just so fun to say. Try it sometime... It's addictive. I use it every chance I get. People at work look at me like I've lost my mind. Remember, though, for the proper effect, one must speak it with slightly pinched in cheeks.

Happy Hickspeak!

-Jack-

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