That Place Again
God, I'm in that place again...
So telling a phrase... And so somber a melody. And it's where I am. I've been feeling it happening for the last week now. I'm sinking again, into that dark place. I don't know why precisely, or how... It's just happening. I don't want it. But at the same time I'm almost welcoming it... I can't explain it. I wonder where it will take me this time.
There's just so much right now... So much that is not good. I keep reminding myself that God is sovereign. Do we ever stop to think about that? God is sovereign. He's not just God when good things are happening. He's not just God when you need something. He reigns now and always. That means ten minutes from now, two hours from now, 3 weeks from now when your best friend is killed by a drunk driver, 10 years from now when your wife dies in child birth... even a few months ago when your mother died of cancer.
Sometimes it's good to keep that in mind. He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. That doesn't mean all things work for the good all the time for everyone. That's something to keep in mind too.
Here's something totally off subject: Hye Kyong (a totally cool chick from church) and I were talking this morning... somehow we were talking about guys and dating. She's married, has two gorgeous little girls... anyway, she was surprised to learn that I am almost never asked out. I think in the last 2 years since I've moved down here, I've actually been asked out all of twice. Once was a really nice guy, but he was totally anti-God. The other was a guy at church that I'm not the least bit attracted to but who is equally nice. She thought it was equally outrageous, though, that I refuse to ask a guy out. I'll die a lonely old woman before I ask a guy out. It just isn't right for a girl to do that. I guess I'm old-fashioned like that. At any rate, just thought I'd throw that out there to you. So am I intimidating or something? I've had people tell me I seem unapproachable, like I'm too big for them. But mostly that was when I was acting or performing. They were surprised at how personable I am. I don't know, sometimes I think I'm too nice. I'm a bit of a doormat. Ok, I'm a big fat industrial doormat. But I don't want to go there right now.
I'm so totally rambling. So where was I? Oh yeah... that place again. So much seems to be going wrong or out of control. I think my church family is falling apart. Ok, I don't think it is, I know it is... I don't know why, or if we're going to unravel completely or God is just reworking some threads or what... I just see what's happening and I'm scared and discouraged and angry and just so DONE with it sometimes, you know? I think back to a lot of what was talked about at conference, about instead of being "servants in the house", we should be "stewards of the house"... and I'm still stuck on the house part. I'm going "what house??" There is no house. At least not for me, right now. I can't even envision a house. My church is almost nothing anymore. The only thing still holding us together is a figment of a dream the pastor used to have... But none of it is being realized, nothing is being done about it. We say one thing, and do another thing entirely. ARGH. ugh. I'm just so done...
Pause - Pizza guy is knocking on the door.
Ok, hold on... That was just unreal. No. Way. Did. That. Just. Happen.
Pizza dude just asked me if I was single and if I'd mind him calling sometime... It was sweet and awkward, and I (in a rare moment of having my wits about me) said "how about email? we'll start with that." See, in most cases, my doormat self wouldn't know what to do and would give him my phone number for the simple fact that he asked for it and I generally do what I'm told. That's one thing I really don't appreciate about myself too often. At any rate, at least I was sensible enough to not hand him my phone number too ("who gives a flip about phone numbers when he knows where I live?" yeah, i don't know.)
Egads. My life is so pointlessly chaotic. Who gives a flip about any of this stuff? I just want to worship God with song all day every day for the rest of my days here on earth. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, ok, I'd still like to be able to have my son. But beyond that. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh...
It's getting darker... I'm trying to use humor to lighten it up, but I'm failing to see anything funny in what I've said. I just see stupid pointless things... It's all just looks bleak and hopeless... Ok, I'll shut up now before I depress someone.
