Jack's Personal Growth Chart: 06.2005

6.24.2005

Just to let you know

I won't be around much the next week or so... Tate's dad is coming in today and he and his wife will be staying at my house for part of the visit. Lovely...

Oh, and I won't be going to Sydney this year either. *sigh*

Later.

6.21.2005

Here again

Wow, this is three nights in a row. I'm impressed. You should be too. :-) Yeah, whatever. So anyway, I'm here. Hi.

I was just thinking of what I should blog. What should I say? Should I go where my heart is and really blog out all the crap in there? Should I just dive in and really explore all the issues and idiocies that comprise me lately?

I wanted to... I really, really did. But I can't. I can't make myself put it out there. I can't bring myself to externalize the internal. The thought of doing that at this point just terrifies me. I had a really heavy morning today. I almost didn't go to work. Something came crashing down on me as I went about my morning, getting ready for work, and it took my breath away... all the while bringing me to tears.

It's strange sometimes, in retrospect... God sometimes picks the oddest moments to speak, doesn't He? I was washing my hair. It just... I don't know, it just strikes me now as odd. I mean, why not late at night, alone, in the dark, when I can't sleep anyway because my mind just won't stop? I don't know, I suppose it's trivial to spend any length of time pondering something so... well... trivial. But it just stuck out to me.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. My counsellor finally called me today. This afternoon, actually. She apologized, and I just brushed the whole thing under the rug (as usual). She wants to try Monday nights (isn't that convenient, since it's Tuesday).

Egads, do you see what my mind does? I'm horrible!! I'm so mean, and I lack mercy... I lack grace. In some situations, I'm the most merciful person you'll ever meet, but when it's something that my psyche perceives to be an attack on me in any way (i.e., she's bailing on me, he did that just to hurt me, etc), I'm stone cold, impenetrable, and downright awful.

At this point in my journey (let's call it), I can say with honesty (but also with chagrin) that I don't feel bad about my defensiveness if it really is an attack on me. My concern (or what strikes me as so horrible about the defensive posturing) at this point is the thought that I might be jumping the gun with it. That the automatic response is SO instantaneous as to leave no room for discretion or true judgement on the matters. I don't give an inch... when often the inch is necessary, because I'm pretty sure I'm not being attacked nearly so often as my instinct perceives. I'm so desperate not to allow anyone to affect me in a negative way that I don't give them the chance to affect me in a positive way either... and ultimately in so doing, I inhibit my own opportunities to impact their lives positively.

I instinctively remove the possibility of relationship... Not good.

Ok, maybe I got a little deep there, or more so than I intended at least. Don't really know where that came from---sorry. But since it's there, I'll leave it. K, I'm 'bout done in here for tonight. I think I'll go wear myself down to the point of exhaustion with some cardio. Oh, did I mention I've actually been working out lately? It feels FANTASTIC. Love it.

K... 'night.

- Jack

Argh.

So today was another exercise in willpower in which I failed. We kissed again. But at least we talked about it like adults afterward. We know we can't behave like this. And we're not going to anymore...

Truth be told, though, I want to. I know that's wrong, but it doesn't change the desire. Maybe it's just that I want any part of him that I can get. Ok, that's pretty pathetic. Sheesh. Don't tell anyone I said that.

On another note, I think I've unwittingly lured another into my web. I feel horrible, but I think he's just misconstruing everything I say. Guess I should just keep my mouth shut, eh? Yeah...

So I'm here. I made a c... c... commitment (*reel back in horror*) to blog tonight, and I've done it. That wasn't so hard.

And on yet another note, I think my counsellor is bailing on me. She cancelled last week, left me a message, said she was really sorry, all that, and can we discuss possibly trying to find a different time, as she's going to need to be clearing her Tuesday nights... So I called back, left her a message to give me a call so we can work out a time, blah blah... and I haven't heard from her. So as far as I'm concerned, I think I'm done. Not that I've worked everything out and it's no longer necessary because I'm all "whole" and stuff... But... wow, i think it kinda stings. Yeah... it does. Well, at least I can recognize the defense mechanisms shifting into play. I'm actually shutting down to her already. Wow, I don't really give people much slack, do I?

More to chew on, I suppose...

At any rate, I think I'll go ahead and c...c...commit to blogging again tomorrow night. Only good can come of it, right? Yeah... sure. But for whatever it's worth, I promise I'll blog tomorrow.

- Jack

6.19.2005

Hmmm...

So I still find myself avoiding my blog. Not 100% sure why, though it probably has something to do with not wanting to explore all the crap in my head that I know shouldn't be there... It probably has something to do with the fact that I very well could be headed down a road I shouldn't be... It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm struggling...

So yeah, all the reasons I haven't been here are all the reasons I should be. So here's me, making a concerted effort to do something that I know can help. I'm gonna do it in baby steps, of course, because this particular C-word makes me panic almost as much as the other one. So here's my first baby-step: I will blog tomorrow night too. Even if it's only a quick paragraph, even if I'm dead tired, even if I'm busy. I will blog tomorrow. I promise.

There. Now that that's settled.

It's been a while since I've laid out some brutal honesty, so I think it's high time I went at it. Let's start with my failures of late:

1. I've been drinking too much... Not in an I'm an alcoholic kind of way, but I noticed I've been medicating with it. I drank two nights this last week. But there's also a selfishness to it... Like it's not just a means to escape or numb. But rather a "Everyone else my age gets to do this, gets to kick back and have a few or whatever--I want to too." Wow, just typing that out helps me to see how childish and worldly and flesh-y that is. Well, good, it's a start.

2. My previous post that relates to being a daughter of Eve was about having gotten myself into an inappropriate situation in which the subject of the last few months angst and I kissed. Not a good idea, because (watch closely, here comes the brutal honesty:), willpower is not my strong suit, so if it continues I'll end up doing something I promised God that I wouldn't. So in case you were wondering, my desire for this guy has not diminished. It's just been compounded.

That's interesting to me... I was trying to figure it out before, the way my desire for him was not sexual in nature. The physical attraction was there, to be sure. But I think it was just outweighed by the desire for relational intimacy. I don't know. I still haven't figured it out, probably never will. I was probably just suppressing that particular aspect because I assumed my attraction would be unrequited. Surprise, surprise.

...my dad got married last Saturday. I can't go there right now. Don't get me wrong, she's really nice, and she really loves him, and he loves her, and all that good stuff. I don't know why it's so hard for me to even dwell on for any length of time. It just is. So I'm not going to right now.

I'm not nearly as fun and interesting to read as I used to be, am I? Sorry... I'll get back there someday.

- Jack

6.09.2005

She's back

What's up, people? I'm back. Sort of. Tonight's post won't be long, I have far too much going on inside my head and far too little of it figured out to be trying to put it down here right now.

A lot has happened in the last few weeks... Too much, I think.

But, since I'm here, I will share one thought in particular that seems to be haunting me right now. It relates to Adam and Eve. See, Eve was the crown of creation, the ultimate finishing touch, it was not good until God made her...

He made her to be Adam's ezer kenegdo... his helper, lifesaver, counterpart... but instead, she became his downfall.

I've never felt more like a daughter of Eve than I do tonight...

- Jack

Jack's Personal Growth Chart