Epiphany
I finally have my answer... It makes perfect sense. Hosea... minus the scandal.
I was pacing around my house yesterday during my lunch break, that guy on my brain again. But more specifically, the why of it all. Why do I feel this way? And why is it so different? Why don't I want him the way I've wanted others in the past? Why won't it go away? And why--WHY!!--why is it so damnably different? I had just given up and was about to go back to work... and suddenly He spoke to my heart. As surely as the sun rose this morning and is even now setting, He answered me... And I could hardly believe what He said.
"Now, Beloved... Now you know. You feel what I feel. This is what I feel for each of you."
And in that moment my heart broke. I was thrilled and crushed in the same instant. I can see it so clearly now. My constant preoccupation with him... my desire simply to be near him, to get to know him, to share in his life, to reveal everything about myself to him... Will he talk to me today? And if he does, will he share some of himself with me? Will he smile at me when he passes by, or speak perhaps? All I want is to know him and be known by him... to give of myself for whatever he may need... to know the depths of him, as well as the mundane...
And that, God said, is what He wants from me... And each of you. He longs for us. He aches for us. He waits with baited breath for us to come to Him... to acknowledge Him throughout our day. He just wants to take part in us, and for us to take part in Him. He wants us to share our lives--lives that He gave us--with Him. He is constantly preoccupied with thoughts of you... He wonders if you'll smile at Him, He wants to tell you to have a great day, that He loves you, that He'd do anything for you... He wants to be near to you, to reveal Himself to you. He wants to delight you and delight in you.
And so now I know... I know why. And I know that it's not over. As soon as He answered me, He brought the story of Hosea to mind. He showed Hosea how He felt, He made Hosea live it. And now He shows me. I'm not presuming to rank myself in terms of importance anywhere near Hosea. But the essence is similar, and it helps to put my situation in perspective. He is using this as a real-life, earthly example so that we (or at least I) can understand... The Holy One of Israel, the Living God, Creator of all things yearns for you...
I wept today... I begged Him to either give me this desire of my heart or take it from me, that I can't handle this--this depth of feeling. I pleaded that it would end. But I know it's not over yet. I don't know when it will be, or if it ever will be... I'm thinking it could go on for a very long time. If anything, this new dynamic has only compounded the original pangs, for now I know His heart... or at least this part of it.
So now you know too.
-Jack
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I've Been So Bad
...at keeping up with blogging, that is. Well, I'm sure I've been bad in other ways too...
For all who are interested, the crush rages on unabetted... ugh. I still don't get it either. My crushes usually have the life-cycle of a fly. And they are ALWAYS completely physically based. That's why they just annoy or aggravate me more than anything... But this one just doesn't fit the mold. It's driving me up a wall. It's not physical... I mean, I guess in a way it is, but not like the others. It's just wanting to be around this guy. I've dreamt about him a few times, he pops into my head all the time... But none of my thoughts regarding him are sexual in nature. At all. So why is he popping in my head?
Therapy went pretty well last week (I still can't get over the fact that I'm actually "in therapy"). We actually ended up talking about my crush problem, and the current one. We've now established that I'm an all or nothing kinda gal, which would explain why I want the crush(es) to just completely go away. I don't want to entertain the thought if I'm not willing/able to pursue a relationship with the person. So that was interesting. I hadn't realized it. But more specifically, we examined what could make this one so strong and different. She had a very interesting revelation on that. She asked if it was possible that perhaps God is orchestrating this on purpose to get me to feel... and perhaps not just to feel, but to feel strongly and without my need for control over the feeling, to give me something tangible to just let go over, something in front of me to stir me up... Basically to get me to break open that floodgate, to realize what is possible on the other side... I'm probably not making much sense, or taking you with me to where I'm trying to go with this.
She said C.S. Lewis (I really want to read him) said something about every desire we think we have is really a desire for God. And this could be a fantastic and life-changing example of that. That I need to keep looking, keep digging, beyond my completely irrational, inexplicable desire for this guy (and i do mean inexplicable, trust me, i've given it a lot of thought and there is no explanation even bordering on rational or even coherent) and realize what it really is, and Who i really desire... That this could not be about the guy at all, but rather God...
That in and of itself is scary, simply put because I think I'm afraid to want/love God that much. I think it would be dangerous to burn so hot and strong for God... Not for me as much as for Tate... I have a responsibility to him. If I didn't have him, I'd probably have given over to my desire to serve God more directly and continuously... I want to do it, but it would mean really (and physically) throwing off the "way of the world"... the job and house and security... I would have no choice but to forfeit that for faith in my God...
I'm not saying that having a job and a home goes against God, I'm just talking about for me... I know what this sort of "giving in" to my desire for God would require for my life, and I can't figure out how that could possibly work when I have a child to feed and clothe and nurture and teach...
So I guess I'm just still working it all out... I don't know... I don't know what to think. But I know I still can't get that guy out of my head. It does ease some of the pressure though when I consider my counsellor's words on the matter.
- Jack
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Makin' Me Crazy
Blogger is starting to drive me nuts. Is anyone else experiencing all kinds of technical problems getting in? I have 15 minutes to sit and blog on my lunch break... But I just spent 13 trying to get in. And now I have to go.
I'll try again later. Bye, kids!
- Jack
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Ages... with updates
Egads, it's been ages, hasn't it? Things have just been hectic lately. No time for much of anything. I do believe this calls for a few updates:
1. Rachael and Teddy got married! Yay! They were wed on Saturday afternoon at our church. The ceremony was short and simple, but altogether lovely.
2. Tate is sick as a dog, poor thing. I picked him up from school on Friday and he was roasting. I made them take his temperature and it was 104.1 degrees. I was NOT a happy camper. At any rate, he's been sick ever since. We've managed to get the fever under control but the coughing and congestion rage on unabated by much of anything. He's on antibiotics and decongestants and cough suppressants and fever reducers... Nothing seems to make any difference aside from the fever reducers. It's horrible, he's never been this sick and he's never been sick for this long. I hate it. I want to stay home with him and comfort him, but I have to be at work and it just sucks. A lot.
3. I got to go to the Hillsong United worship event last night and it was awesome! What a fantastic time of worship. It was so amazing to see so many young people that fired up for God. Such a blessing to behold, really. And it was REALLY loud too!! Love that.
4. My brother and his wife, Susi, just had their first baby, born this afternoon! His name is Larry Duane Smith III, but they'll call him "Trey" for the III. I thought that was clever and creative and I just love it. Yay!
So that's about it for updates. I'm missing music rehearsal for Sunday right now because Tate was feeling especially awful this evening and fell asleep an hour or so ago. He needs his rest more than he needs me dragging him across town.
I tried to blog the other day (really, I did!), but it wouldn't let me log in. Who knows.
I've got a few things I need to blog out but I'll save them for another post---don't want to be too fragmented.
Did You rise the sun for me? Or paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty? Is Your voice upon the wind? Is everything I know marked with my Maker's fingerprints?
Yeah... He did. And it is. He's so awesome!!
- Jack
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