Mom's Style (Part Two)
One thing I neglected to interject into my thoughts from the last post... As mom came awake after hearing my talk with Mrs. Felsing, as she calmed down after that, she was asking me questions like "Why are Kathy and Rob coming? Why is Heather coming? Y'all think I'm dying, don't you? Am I dying?" At one point, after a nurse walked out of the room, mom asked me "She knows I'm dying, doesn't she?" It was part hurt, part resentment, part fear... it was awful... it was as though we had tricked her or something. I can't explain it entirely, but it left me extremely uneasy, and hurting for her...
Ok, Monday night still... she's got me singing to her until Mrs. Felsing arrives. Mom seemed really glad to see her. That's something too: Mom seemed genuinely glad to have visitors those last couple of days. She seemed to perk up, etc. Anyway. Shortly after Mrs. Felsing arrived, Kathy and Ben showed up. They talked for a few minutes, mom started to wear out, so Ben and I prepared to leave. She begged me to return, and she made Kathy and Mrs. Felsing promise not to leave as well. She said "I don't want to close my eyes, and then open them and you not be here..." She was really scared of being alone... So I promised, and they promised, and I took Ben home.
I got home, and dad ordered me to take Tate home and go to bed... But I just couldn't. I lied to him. I lied to my dad and told him I was going home and going to bed... as I was leaving, Ben whispered to me "you aren't going home, are you?" I told him that I made a promise to mom, and I'm not going to let her down, but that he wasn't to tell dad. So I loaded a sleeping Tate into the car and headed back up to the hospital. After I pulled in, I drove to an area near the entrance where you can parallel park. I was just pulling into a space when my cellphone started vibrating in my back pocket. I about had a heart attack, and then I almost wrecked the car. I answered it, it was Ben... "I don't know what's going on, but Dad just got a call and he's coming up to the hospital, I think something's wrong with mom, he's leaving right now, and I'm coming with him. I wanted you to know, 'cause if you're up there, he's going to see you--he's running out the door right now." I don't think I said anything more than "k" and I ripped out of the car, snatched tate up and ran up to her room. When I got there, Kathy and Mrs. Felsing were still there, and they said she had stopped breathing probably 6 or 7 times since I left... they had to shake her and startle her to get her to start again. But once I came back in she went back to normal, breathing just fine... Dad arrived a few minutes later, and a little after that, Rob and Rachael got there. She woke back up and was once again talking, answering questions, initiating conversation, etc... She and dad did have a private talk at one point, though, shortly after he arrived...
I overheard bits of it as I paced in the hall... She told him how much she loved him, and how wonderful he'd been to her... He told her how much he loved her, and that if she needed to go, and was too tired, that it was ok to stop fighting...
I have to stop...
Oh, God, please ... please help me... help me get through this, help me accept this... I feel so lost, so weak, so defenseless... I don't know how to not have a mom, Father... I need your help, I need you so much... It hurts, God, and I'm scared... Please help me.
-jack-
