So...
I let go, God... and it doesn't feel very good. It's just You and me. Now what?
Part of me wants to be angry with You... a big part at the moment... but You showed me something about that today too, and I want to say it's keeping it at bay. So please, show me something quick before I lose control of it. Yes, I am hurt... Yes, I am afraid. No, I don't want them to collide and produce anger. I want to follow You... but why did You do this??
WHY??? Why would you let me fall so far?? Why would You let me love someone and feel so much and then undo it all just like that???? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?? How could you hurt him so much, and hurt me? What for?? What good can come of this??
Why couldn't I have just been in some horrible car accident?? Why can't I just be mangled and on life support? Or horribly disfigured? Why was that not good enough? Why would You need to break my heart into a thousand shards of pain and grief and hurt and fear and anger and doubt and misery? And then make me keep going as though I'm a normal person... that might be the cruelest part of all. Damnit---why???
Trust? Gone. Credibility? Gone. Respect? Gone. Even indisputable facts are twisted into lies now. There is nothing left. Not even the good, the true---the moments that were straight from You, the bond that was so beyond this world, this life... Why did You let us taste it if You were only going to take it away????
Why did You let me stray so far and have so far to come back? I imagine I'm losing everything now, aren't I? Save for family, of course... and hopefully career. You've brought me closer to my sister in the last few months. I imagine she's going to be helping You keep me alive... if that's Your plan at all.
I'd rather be dead right now. I don't need to say it, do I? You already know that. I'd think I was dead from the way I keep going numb... fire one minute, cold the next... searing pain unlike any other, and then nothing, emptiness...
So, what now, God? What now? Was it REALLY that necessary to have me quite so alienated? Well, I suppose I did that to myself, didn't I? By slowly trading off my old life, my life with You and with what was right for me... for attempting to cultivate a new one... it never even was satisfying, I felt constantly out of place, never comfortable, never myself... so what am I even whining about? Because I never fit in, did I? I wish You would have pointed that out to me a long time ago...
I already had that bond and that love before I went there, didn't I? ...Oh, God... I just didn't know it. I didn't think I had it... So I thought, well I have to go further that way---I have to emulate that in order to secure that bond, that connection. I mean, I'm so different, I'm just too different, who would want something so different... Different is something you get curious about and find amusement in for a while, but it's different... it's not normal, it's not what they like or how they are or what they want... I need to see what that's about, I need to see if I can do that. It's what he's got now---it's where he is. So, I'll go and be a part of that, see if I can be like that--at least give it a shot. Who knows, maybe I'll like it and can fit some of it into my life...
And I never once found anything I wanted to fit into my life. I never fit in. I never could quite relax and be myself. Because myself didn't belong there... did it?
Wow... I've never realized just how much I didn't like it. And now I realize how much I won't miss it. So... why did I keep trying to force it? Because... I thought it was a permanent part of him? Because if I couldn't fit into his world then he would leave mine. Way to go, girl---just keep bulldozing through. Hey, you've wandered this far off from God already.
I was supposed to be different, wasn't I? And I had that bond, and that trust, when I was... It was secure because it was what You wanted, what You had designed... But I didn't trust it. I didn't trust You, did I? I didn't trust You to build it and nurture it. I didn't know if it was really from You, so I took matters into my own hands to solidify this thing I wanted, this thing I already had but was afraid of believing in and trusting...
What a fool I was...? Why didn't You stop me?? I was talking about living in the moment and not contriving things, about letting whatever happened happen, living from your heart instead of your head... And yet I began to contrive. The fear I felt in not wanting it to slip away... my lack of trust... I've never even fully seen this before, why didn't You show me then? Why didn't you stop me?? So, if I'd have stayed where I was...?
Oh, God... I can barely stand to think of it. It hurts so bad, God. It hurts so bad... where is Your comfort? Where is Your touch? Am I so far away that Your love can't reach me yet? Please reach me... I'm dying...
I don't even want this stupid clarity!! Shut my eyes! I don't want to know!! I don't want to see this! I don't want to feel, I want to be numb, I don't want to hurt!!
I see it, ok?? I get it! I see that I walked out from under Your protection... and I see why I did it. I see that I stepped outside your veil of safety and security and trust and peace and love... I see that I became selfish. I see that I became arrogant. I see that I put my faith in me and not in You. I took what You were designing, what You were giving me and I wanted to make sure that I got it, so I took it... I took it out of Your hands when You weren't finished with it yet... when it wasn't mine yet.
Oh my God... that is why I tasted it... that is why I felt it. That is why he felt it too. That is why he believed in it... Oh my God... no. Because it really was from You... You had already been working on it for so long... Oh my God... You showed me, didn't You? Didn't You?? Two years ago with that stupid letter, You showed me!!
Oh no... no...
I can't breathe... I can't breathe... Oh, God... please... I don't want to see this anymore, turn it off, please take it away, shut my eyes, I can't handle this... I can't breathe, I can't handle this...
But You are still here. You are still working Your purpose... I know that like I know I am alive and hurting. What is it? Please, give me something of that. Please! I'm begging You... show me something, give me some shred of hope for something more than this pit of misery and despair... give me hope, Father... please...
After You told me that I must tell him all of it--unedited, that I must reveal to him that final shadow in the corner... why did You tell me to do that? That other thing? Was it just to get me to do what I had to do, what I needed to do for his sake, what You wanted me to do? Was it just to get me to trust You so I would follow through? Would You trick me like that?
Perhaps I am grasping at straws when I should just be surrendering... I don't want to think You would, but I don't know what else to think of it... So You just hang tight to that for me, ok? I can't even keep my head above water. I know that. You've shown me. And I can already see a lot more on the horizon...
Not running away is going to be really hard, God... I'm numb again at the moment, so I can tell You this now. I know I will want to close the door. I know I will want to bury it and move on, but I know I'm not supposed to... So I'm asking You now. Please don't let me. ..
Soooo... Ok. I guess that was what's now... now what's next? Yeah, I know... I have to sit in "now" for a while. Chew on this, kiddo... learn it good...
I'm exhausted, God... I don't know how long I can survive down here at the bottom. But I guess that's up to You.
I love You... and I'm sorry...
