Jack's Personal Growth Chart: 07.2004

7.26.2004

It Just Gets Better

Now my little sister is back in rehab. She's in yet another thirty day program because she's been drinking.

I'm so not even going there right now.

- Jack -

7.25.2004

That Place Again

God, I'm in that place again...

So telling a phrase... And so somber a melody. And it's where I am. I've been feeling it happening for the last week now. I'm sinking again, into that dark place. I don't know why precisely, or how... It's just happening. I don't want it. But at the same time I'm almost welcoming it... I can't explain it. I wonder where it will take me this time.

There's just so much right now... So much that is not good. I keep reminding myself that God is sovereign. Do we ever stop to think about that? God is sovereign. He's not just God when good things are happening. He's not just God when you need something. He reigns now and always. That means ten minutes from now, two hours from now, 3 weeks from now when your best friend is killed by a drunk driver, 10 years from now when your wife dies in child birth... even a few months ago when your mother died of cancer.

Sometimes it's good to keep that in mind. He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. That doesn't mean all things work for the good all the time for everyone. That's something to keep in mind too.

Here's something totally off subject: Hye Kyong (a totally cool chick from church) and I were talking this morning... somehow we were talking about guys and dating. She's married, has two gorgeous little girls... anyway, she was surprised to learn that I am almost never asked out. I think in the last 2 years since I've moved down here, I've actually been asked out all of twice. Once was a really nice guy, but he was totally anti-God. The other was a guy at church that I'm not the least bit attracted to but who is equally nice. She thought it was equally outrageous, though, that I refuse to ask a guy out. I'll die a lonely old woman before I ask a guy out. It just isn't right for a girl to do that. I guess I'm old-fashioned like that. At any rate, just thought I'd throw that out there to you. So am I intimidating or something? I've had people tell me I seem unapproachable, like I'm too big for them. But mostly that was when I was acting or performing. They were surprised at how personable I am. I don't know, sometimes I think I'm too nice. I'm a bit of a doormat. Ok, I'm a big fat industrial doormat. But I don't want to go there right now.

I'm so totally rambling. So where was I? Oh yeah... that place again. So much seems to be going wrong or out of control. I think my church family is falling apart. Ok, I don't think it is, I know it is... I don't know why, or if we're going to unravel completely or God is just reworking some threads or what... I just see what's happening and I'm scared and discouraged and angry and just so DONE with it sometimes, you know? I think back to a lot of what was talked about at conference, about instead of being "servants in the house", we should be "stewards of the house"... and I'm still stuck on the house part. I'm going "what house??" There is no house. At least not for me, right now. I can't even envision a house. My church is almost nothing anymore. The only thing still holding us together is a figment of a dream the pastor used to have... But none of it is being realized, nothing is being done about it. We say one thing, and do another thing entirely. ARGH. ugh. I'm just so done...

Pause - Pizza guy is knocking on the door.

Ok, hold on... That was just unreal. No. Way. Did. That. Just. Happen.

Pizza dude just asked me if I was single and if I'd mind him calling sometime... It was sweet and awkward, and I (in a rare moment of having my wits about me) said "how about email? we'll start with that." See, in most cases, my doormat self wouldn't know what to do and would give him my phone number for the simple fact that he asked for it and I generally do what I'm told. That's one thing I really don't appreciate about myself too often. At any rate, at least I was sensible enough to not hand him my phone number too ("who gives a flip about phone numbers when he knows where I live?" yeah, i don't know.)

Egads. My life is so pointlessly chaotic. Who gives a flip about any of this stuff? I just want to worship God with song all day every day for the rest of my days here on earth. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, ok, I'd still like to be able to have my son. But beyond that. Is that so much to ask?

Ugh...

It's getting darker... I'm trying to use humor to lighten it up, but I'm failing to see anything funny in what I've said. I just see stupid pointless things... It's all just looks bleak and hopeless... Ok, I'll shut up now before I depress someone.

7.18.2004

Fill it.

God's "invite list"... it includes everyone, you know. And I mean EVERYONE. There is not one person on earth, no matter how poor, no matter how dirty, no matter how foul or wicked or sinful, who is not welcome to receive the salvation offered through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus.

Sometimes you forget that... Sometimes you work really hard to try to target those who you think may be on God's "invite list"... You look for people that will fit in nicely at your church.  You spend hours and days and weeks and even years trying to save a certain family, a certain loved one, that stubborn co-worker that you just know needs Jesus and you are soooo the one that can save him... Do you know how many other unsaved people pass you by? Yet you're so caught up in saving your dad or Mr. Harris at the grocery store that you let thousands of people walk through your life untouched by God's love.

The first speaker we had at conference was Paul Scanlon. That guy is good. I was really impressed with the sheer annointing of all the speakers. Their messages were pure and powerful.  But I digress... One of the things Paul spoke about was broadening your sphere of influence, and not limiting yourself (or God) to the people you know.

He gave an illustration to help drive the point home. He talked about a get-together he was having at his house. He'd had them before and parking was always a problem, so he pre-arranged a parking area for his guests. He sent a young man down to the end of the lane to direct traffic and wave people into the lot they were to use. So as evening came and cars started arriving, this young man waved car after car into the lot. Things were running very smoothly, all was well, and everyone was parked in a nice orderly fashion, and he continued to wave in car after car. But then something a little unexpected happened. See, he just kept waving people in, but there was a woman driving on the road alone that night, and she happened to be driving by where this young man was directing traffic. And just as he did all the others, he waved her into the lot, not knowing that she wasn't invited to the party.

The woman was a little distraught at a strange man in the night waving her into a parking lot, but after some disarming reassurance that she was free to go, she went on her way and everyone in the party got a good laugh when the young man relayed the story.

Paul used that story to illustrate the kind of mentality that we, as Christians, should have... You see, the young man just expected that everyone coming through was headed for the party. And that's what we should expect... that everyone is invited to the party. Everyone is invited to heaven.

Remember the parable Jesus told of the man who prepared the wedding feast (Luke 14:16-19)? Notice how the man sent for those who had been invited, but they wouldn't come... And then sent for many who had not been invited... And then, when there was still room for more, he told his servants: "go out to the roads and country lanes and make them come in so that my house will be full." (emphasis added by Jack)

He didn't say "invite them" or "tell them they can come if they want"... He said make them come in. He took the choice out of it--just go get people. Did you notice also, how God wants His house full?  Not just open so that whomever wants to come can... He wants it full.

The biggest harvest is in the people we don't know. Stop holding on and wasting years trying to saved one known loved one when you're walking by thousands of unknowns who need God. Here's a little thing you may not have thought of: My "knowns" are your "unknowns". And your "knowns" are my "unknowns".

Get out of God's way. He does use other people besides you, y'know. :-)

Even the disciples fell into an exclusive mindset (Mark 9:38). But Jesus went on to say that whoever is not against us is for us. Most people are not "opposed" to God or the church. They just don't consider it relevant, or understand it. But who wouldn't want the joy, the love, the peace, the passion and excitement, the grace, the forgiveness that we have? Don't discount anyone. Don't build a church that tries to bring in the type of people that might be on God's invite list. "Everybody is coming to the party"... build that assumption into your life, church, etc.

God says that His house must be full. So fill it.

-Jack-

Addendum: when I say "you", "your" etc., I'm referring to myself as well. Don't worry, I've no room to judge. :-)

7.14.2004

Speechless...

I keep thinking that I need to blog about the conference, but I don't even know what to say... I think I'm still in too much of a whirlwind over it all.

One thing, though: I've never been to any sort of conference before, at all... I've never heard any Christian speakers, other than normal pastors giving normal sunday morning messages... So my first conference was Hillsong '04... and the first speakers I ever heard were Joyce Meyer, Jentezen Franklin, Paul Scanlan, Tim Hughes, etc etc...

So yeah... I think I'm ruined. Forever ruined for anything else that comes along. I got the best of the best FIRST. WOW... I'm just so in awe. What really floored me the most was probably the fact that every single solitary message I heard, from Sunday morning at Hillsong, to Sunday night at Hillsong, to Sunday night at the little church in Paramatta, all the way through, straight to the end.... every single one of them spoke powerfully and directly at me and situations in my life... It was almost scary.

That told me two things... First that God has a lot to say to me, that He's aware of my struggles and is guiding me through them. Sometimes He can seem so far away, you know? But He was reminding me that He's not... And the other thing it told me was that my struggles are not unique unto myself. I think the local church as a whole and individually is going through some new and powerful struggles. There's a reason God is revealing this to me...

Ok. It's time to head home. I'm at dad's right now, just got done with music practice. It went pretty well, if I do say so myself. Oh, and be praying for us, if you think about it. One of the "tri-leaders" (myself, the keys player, and the lead guitarist--we share the authority in the worship team) is taking 3 months off, at the advisement of the pastor. With him, he takes the youth leader / back-up vocalist. So I just lost my keys, and two vocalists... That leaves me with one real vocalist, one kinda vocalist/lead guitar, drums, rythm guitar, and bass... That's it. We just found out tonight. So... God is moving in mysterious ways again. I'm actually excited though. It's evidence of His plan. LOVE IT.

And hey... pray without ceasing. Try it. Seriously. It's awesome. Just be in "constant radio contact" with God. Just plug in. :-)

-Jack-

7.13.2004

It's Over

And I'm back in the States... It's kinda depressing. I'm really happy to be back home with Tate, but I'm having a hard time adjusting to normal life. I want the church again. (insert jack pouting). At any rate... it could just be the exhaustion talking. More later, gotta head back to work.

I want to be in full time ministry so bad it hurts... still.

- Jack

7.08.2004

I Cannot Even Begin To Tell You

HOLY. COW. I am so totally in love with Sydney... I LOVE THIS PLACE. I've never really fallen in love with another city before, ever... But I have fallen head over heels for Sydney. It's such an awesome city!

And can I just say that getting to go to church every day has been absolutely amazing. I wish I could do this forever. I am learning SOOOOOOOOOO much. SO SO SO much.

Ok, business: you have got to check out Paul Scanlan. WHAT an amazing speaker. So real, so so real. Joyce Meyer is here, so is Jentezen Franklin and Frank DeMazeo or however you spell it. This is just awesome. And Tim Hughes? Totally awesome guy. Wow. Just plain WOW. This is unbelievable. I'm learning so much, but I have to get the tapes... there's just too much to take in. Ok, the night rally is about to start, I gotta run.

I'M IN SYDNEY!! Dude.

Live life LOUD.

-Jack-

7.01.2004

holy stinkin' oh my wow...

I leave in like 19 hours... oh my gosh i have so much to do. i've barely started packing... well, all i'm packing really is clothes... but STILL. egads... and i have to pack for tate... egads... ok, i have to go pack... WOW!!!

Jack's Personal Growth Chart