The Fog and The Circles
Sometimes I feel like there's this fog around God's will for me... Ok, let me rephrase that: there is a fog around God's will for me.
I think it's a fog of sin.
In fact, I think that's what God is just straight up telling me. I think this fog is made up of my sin, my will, my desires, my own plans, physical sin, spiritual sin, all of it... and I think it's that way for all of us. As I draw nearer to God, His light illuminates further all the things in my life that fall short of His perfect standard. And I think I'm going to be uncertain of His will for my life until He and I get together and clear up some of that fog. I have to surrender to Him. Entirely. That means I have to want His will for my life more than I want my cigarettes... there's a lot more to give up besides cigarettes, but that's definitely one He's pointing to right now. I can't tell you how many times I've said: "That's it! No more! I want God's will for my life more than I want these stupid flipping cigarettes!!" and thrown them in the trash... only to fish them out a couple of hours later when I couldn't take it anymore. I did it yesterday too.
I think part of what is so frustrating is that I am trying to do it on my own strength. But I can't. I really truly can't. I need God's supernatural intervention if I'm ever going to quit smoking. And He isn't going to do much with me until I do. He's made that clear. So God: HELP!!!
I've also been thinking a lot the last few days on the two circles of God's will. Well, I say that like it's some kind of established concept or something. But I just sort of made it up. I don't know, they say there are no original thoughts left, so someone else has probably already thought it up, but anyway... I've been pondering it anyway---God's "permissive will" and God's "directive will"... I want His directive will. Even though I'm not even always within His permissive will, I want to be only in His directive will. Only. But I can't get there. Only He can get me there. Seems like a conundrum, doesn't it? Some sort of catch 22... but it's not. I can't get there on my own power... but what I can do is surrender. Surrender... It's simple. But simple doesn't mean easy. Often the simplest things are the hardest. I have to die to my flesh... that's hard.
I'm having a lot of trouble lately (but not just lately) rectifying my current life with the life God wants for me to live. How do I live as I am called to live without neglecting my son? I don't mean to say that I would ignore him... But how can I as a single mother quit my job? Give up my home? Give up my car? I'm not saying God has specifically instructed me to do these things, but I would not be surprised in the least if He did not ask one or more of these things of me... What I mean when I ask those questions is how do I rely solely on Him without my family or my church thinking I'm an unfit mother? I've come to rely so heavily on the things of the world that I cannot seem to detach my rationale from them. I have debt, people... lots of it. I have $25,000 in student loans. Plus another $6,000 in credit card debt from when I was pregnant and jobless (boy that was fun--lemme tell ya, discrimination laws can be a joke). By most people's standards, that's excusable. That's normal. Hey, it was college education. Hey, you had to pay your bills! Etc etc etc... but to me, it's no excuse. I was living outside of God's will in BOTH instances, and now I'm paying the price. I've encumbered myself because I didn't bother to check His roadmap first. He never wanted me in college. He did a lot of things to get me out of it, but boy was I stubborn. Well, I've learned my lesson now. Don't butt heads with the Almighty Creator of the Universe... 'cause guess who wins? heh. Anyway.
So how do I live in His world when I've made such a mess of things in the world's world?
This leads me into another subject that the Holy Spirit has been urging me to speak up on. It's probably going to tick off a lot of people. I've touched on it once in a group, and it was actually really well received, just this past friday... but this post is already too long, so I'll save it for later.
Just to let you know, I still don't have internet access at my house. Trying to decide which course I'll take with it (cable internet, dsl, none, dial-up, etc). Finances being tight as they are just urges me to hold off a while longer. At any rate... feel free to sound off and give me your thoughts. I miss you guys.
-Jack-
