Pause for Posterity
I'm pausing the conversation to inject some things I want to remember... Some things I want to reference, some things I want to make sure I get down, so that I don't forget them... Most of it will be random and probably make sense to no one but me. Most of it will be things I have learned or found that are especially important to me.
- Fear is a completely normal reaction for anyone faced with an out of ordinary situation that threatens his/her important needs
- There is no way to tell how someone will react to fear. Fear usually depends entirely on the individual rather than on the situation at hand
- Fear could lead a person to panic or stimulate a greater effort to survive
- The worst feelings that magnify fear are hopelessness and helplessness
- You need to accept that fear is a natural reaction to a hazardous situation and try to make the best of your predicament
- Live with fear and understand how it can alter your effectiveness in survival situation
- Control fear, don't let it control you
- Survival more often depends on the individual's reactions to stress than upon the danger, terrain, or nature of the emergency. To adapt is to live
- Your brain is without doubt your best survival tool. It is your most valuable asset in a survival situation (my translation: don't do things that would diminish it's capacity---i.e. drinking)
In determining what types of situations to be prepared for and to develop a survival plan for, research what has happened to others and what you are most likely at greatest risk for.
Not nearly done, but I'll wrap this post up with one more thought: My body is a temple. But if I don't treat it that way, and give an impression with my behavior and treatment of my body that is contrary to that, then I cannot expect others to know that it is, and then further to respect that it is.
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Stay with me
Please give me the strength to get through all this, God... and to do what I need to do. And to keep moving forward, and to keep reclaiming myself and who You made me to be. And to keep letting go, and to face all of this without flinching...
I've been flinching a lot lately.
Keep me real, God. And just stay with me... please.
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Sad...
That's what I feel right now, God. And on top of it, the nausea has set in again, out of nowhere. I think that might be my fear and uncertainty. I notice it, but I will not be ruled by it. I'm afraid, God. I'm sad and afraid... part of that fear rises from hearing him rehash things he has forgiven me for but can't let go of---because he hasn't forgiven me for lying to him, deceiving him... for hiding something vital from him. He hasn't forgiven me, but neither have I asked.
I think that's because I haven't forgiven myself... or maybe I'm afraid of his answer. Probably both. I've been thinking about that all morning and afternoon---that I haven't asked him to forgive me for my dishonesty. I think it's the first time that that has occurred to me, that I haven't actually asked him to. How can I forgive myself if he can't? He can't even see who I am through his anger and hurt----and the cold hard wall he has put up to try to heal it, to try to block the pain. All he's doing is trapping it in with himself, surrounded by it, unable to let it out, let it heal, let it go... but how can I blame him for that? Would I do the same in his place?
I might have, if I wasn't where I am now---where You have brought me. To a place where I can't escape the truth. To a place where I can't do anything to fix the mess I've made with my mistakes. Yes, I would probably do the same in his place, if not for what I know and can't escape. I would probably try to hurt him for all the hurt he caused me. I would probably try to build a wall around myself to shield myself from further hurt.
I'm so sorry, God... I'm so sorry I hurt him... I'm so sorry...
I just want to fall at his feet and beg his forgiveness, but how can I??
I'm not worthy of anything, I'm not worthy of You, or him, or even of living... how could I do this to someone I love so much? How could I lie to him? How could I deceive him? How could I do such a horrible thing? How could I be so selfish and afraid that I would cause him so much pain? Did I love myself so much?? Not anymore... I can't love myself at all, let alone more than him.
I guess that's how You made sure I could love him more than myself now... Make me undeserving of love...
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Please wait...
Hi, God... So I met my new counselor today. I know You already know that, but... Anyway. First, I want to thank You. Thank You for giving me that hint today. It was more than a hint, it was an eye-opener. Thank You for giving me greater understanding of what You had me do last night, and helping me see that part of it was for me. Thanks for being awesome like that, for keeping me on my toes and surprising me with how You completely You can handle anything.
But God, I need to ask You for something. It just doesn't sit right with me, God. You are showing me so much, and restoring me and helping me see the truth, and that its not what it seemed--even to me... But, God, what about him? How can I be restored if You aren't doing the same for him? I know that You want to, that You are waiting on him... but I can't simply leave him here to suffer, to hurt, to grieve... I cannot accept restoration without him... I can't leave him here. You know that. You know me, You made me, and You didn't make me like that, God----like one who could just leave him.
I know he's not listening for You right now. I will be his ears. I know he doesn't see You in this. I will be his eyes. God, You know I will trade my own place for his. I will take on all the hurt, both of ours. I can't just leave him here... I won't. Please, God, stand in the gap and show him Your love, Your healing... Please, just give him at least that much so that he can be happy. Give him the kind of peace that comes from truth... that comes from You.
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Frustration, ignorance, and crumbs...
WHAT are You doing?? Seriously!!
Can I just be frank for a minute, God? I did what You told me to do. Exactly what You told me to do. Exactly the way You told me to do it. I told Him everything You showed me. I focused on what You told me to focus on, and I said it over and over.
Thank You for finally unblocking the rest of it, by the way. I don't know if that was me blocking it or You blocking it... Yeah, it was probably me, now that I think about it. It's how You work. You don't generally DO this stuff, but You allow it... So that lines up.
I have no problem anymore admitting what I've done wrong, seeing the truth of it. I just realized that. And it's because of what You helped me to do tonight, what You told me to do. I hit rock bottom and You made sure I knew exactly where that is, no higher, no lower. Precise. But You showed me what it feels like to be even lower--and that actually helped. I know where I am. You saw to that. And I'm not upset about that part--it's what he's doing with it, it's what You didn't warn me about--why doesn't he know where I am?? How can You let him take my acceptance of the things I did wrong and let him turn into into 'everything I did was wrong'? I did what You told me to do and I trusted You, I still do, right this very moment... Is that why You told me to do it that way? So that he would see me as worse? So that he could twist everything into lies? I am trying, God... I'm still surrendering to You...
But SERIOUSLY, God... why? A hint at least? I thought I understood, I thought You showed me... Was it another trick? Or are they both for something? It's frustrating, God. Really frustrating. I know, I'm still learning... and I know half of this is just an imperfect creature expressing it's imperfection... But I keep going over what You told me to do, replaying it in my head, wondering if I missed something...
" Tell him everything, and stay open to Me, stay broken, for I will show you even more and you will tell him that too. Unedited. You will not defend yourself--you will do the opposite. Stay broken. Vilify yourself for him so that he can't do it anymore, take that burden from him, bear the full weight of it on yourself. Take the angry wind out of his sails with the starkness of your words. Take that wind out of his sails, so that I can fill it with Mine. Stay broken, Jessica."
Father, where is Your wind? Where is Your truth? Where is Your breath and Your hand and Your comfort? What are You doing? All he did was turn his sails and catch another wind, even further from the truth---how can he not even see that? Why didn't he turn to You? I thought that's what this was for. How is that wind going to take him anywhere?? How can he think it possible to take what has already been established and build any kind of wall over top of it as though it wasn't there?
Where are You in this?
Well. At least I have comfort in knowing the truth, even if You aren't showing anyone else... So I suppose I just found another breadcrumb and will keep going.
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Darkness and Guilt
I've felt a darkness of sorts pressing in on me today, God. It seems attached to the guilt... which is attached to the new awareness I have... I think back over the last couple of years and I know that the dark, the bad, the wrong is not all there is... but it's all I see right now. It's where my mind instantly goes. And it makes me nauseous.
So much guilt wells up in me right now over what I've done... over how I've conducted myself. I used to keep my body safe, my mind strong, my heart protected and pure... and in such a short time I've traded it, without even really knowing it. I think I somehow thought that I could just "add" a few things to who I am. But every bit I did myself took a little more away from You.
Or maybe it's like a seasoning I tried to add myself, and ruined the flavor of the whole thing...
I don't know. I see, right now in my mind, recent events and not-so-recent events and I feel like they are converging somehow, into this thing, this beast, this one massive sin, the mother-load of all short comings... not just "a (large) number of times I have failed" but The Failure, proper noun, so enormous it spans years... Why is that? Why are they doing that in my heart? Is it because they are linked/related? Ah, it is, isn't it. I remember when mom told me... "Jessica, don't you see? It's your heart. The condition of your heart. That's why. Big or small, it's all falling short, it's all symptoms of the condition."
Then I feel the urge to face off with it and do battle, to conquer it---that rush of adrenaline and hope, like "Hey, now that I am seeing so much more clearly, I see I'm the good guy and God is on my side, so I'm going to war with this sucker." ...but then I realize how small that "my side"-that-God's-on really is right now... and how big I let that monster get. And then to make matters worse, I see that the monster is actually a growth on that little bitty me... It's attached to me... Because I let it in... I let it grow... I nurtured it and let it become what it became... it... it's a part of me...
And there is an enormous weight of guilt that accompanies that knowledge... and it began haunting me today. Not sure exactly what to do about it. Not sure exactly how to proceed from here... I know I am just to keep moving forward, "just do the next right thing..." I know that it will take time to feel the weight of that guilt lifted off of me. And I don't know how it will even happen. Do I resolve it moment by moment, mess-up by mess-up?
Oh... I don't resolve anything, do I? You do that, don't You? If I am to be restored, only You can do it. If I have value, it is because of You inside me. If I have anything, it is because You give it to me.
This will take practice for me, this surrendering of control until I relearn it so well that I do it better than breathing. It's mental more than anything...
Relearning, retraining... On the way home from work today, I was thinking about how You have made my body a temple. My body is a temple, my body is a temple... And I saw this pristine temple, well-kept and clean and maybe not the biggest or best or shiniest or most full of treasure, but the best it could be--and that was pretty good, considering. And then I saw the same temple a few years later and it was a completely different place...
God, not only did I stop tending to the temple... but I damaged it as well... and then I didn't repair it... and then I did it some more... and then, I let security slack in my lazy and preoccupied management of the temple and I let others in, outsiders, and they robbed it...
And I didn't even know what was going on... I didn't even know I'd been robbed... I was too busy partying upstairs in the banquet room...
Oh, wow... I think I'm going to be sick.
I can't believe You still want this temple... I can't believe You still have me taking care of it. If I were You, I'd have fired me. If I were You, I'd have beaten me within an inch of my life and then fired me... It's what I deserve...
I'm so sorry, God. I'm so sorry...
Yes, I hear Your voice, I hear what You are saying, but I don't even know where to start or if I have the strength. I know, I know! Sitting down in the middle of the temple and crying about the mess won't make it go away, it won't undo any of it. But what about this mess---and what about the integrity of the temple? God, it is compromised, it is defiled. I can't clean that up, I can't put that back, I can't undo that. I am horrified and riddled with guilt--what have I done? How do I undo this?
This weight on my chest is so heavy...
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Unedited: A note from the author
If anyone happens to tune in, that last post, the one right below this, is the start of a journey, unedited... It probably isn't going to make sense to anyone, and frankly that isn't a large concern of mine right now.
It's rather prophetic, I think (surprise, surprise?), that when I started this blog some years ago I thought I was being so clever with my title... and my subtitle...
Jack's Personal Growth Chart... The journey of a 20-something screw-up as God screws her back down...
And now, here I am. And it has never been more true... more precise... before it was clever and witty and sort of true in a way... But now, it's life or death. It's brutal honesty. It's almost mocking in it's directness, it's almost too gentle a heading.
A lot has happened since I was regularly posting. Even more in the last 3 months. And even more in the last 4 weeks. A lot of it will explain itself as God and I get me back to where I'm supposed to be... or, well... get me to where He wants me. It may not be as "back to" as I may guess...
The journey that I'm on now is really and truly between me and God, and I'm putting it here, where He and I were close and in this place that He set up for this purpose. This is what He wanted me to share. Ordinarily, I'm not a very "every other word out of my mouth is 'God'" kind of girl, even before all this. But I'm telling you now, it's going to be pretty heavy for a while. Don't know how long, just know it's gonna be a while.
So anyway... All you really need to know is that I need to do this "unedited". The thoughts I place here are going to be put down unedited....
...Head to fingers to keypad to u...
There's no other way to do it. It's not me mulling over things all day and then recording them here. This is a conversation with God. This is processing through a whole lot of crap. This is my personal "book of revelation", if you will.
If something occurs to me throughout the day and I don't come immediately here and blog it out as it's occurring, then I will make note of it when I enter it, that it is not free-form thought and real-time discussion with God. That's what this is. Every question in that last post was as I thought it. Every statement, a revelation.
If you have questions along the way, it's ok to ask... but if I don't answer a question or respond to something, please don't be offended. I honestly feel like my heart is just barely beating right now, and there are some moments where I only have the strength to keep breathing.
So anyway... If you're here, hi. If you're lurking, hi too. Just didn't want y'all to think I was crazy ;-)
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So...
I let go, God... and it doesn't feel very good. It's just You and me. Now what?
Part of me wants to be angry with You... a big part at the moment... but You showed me something about that today too, and I want to say it's keeping it at bay. So please, show me something quick before I lose control of it. Yes, I am hurt... Yes, I am afraid. No, I don't want them to collide and produce anger. I want to follow You... but why did You do this??
WHY??? Why would you let me fall so far?? Why would You let me love someone and feel so much and then undo it all just like that???? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?? How could you hurt him so much, and hurt me? What for?? What good can come of this??
Why couldn't I have just been in some horrible car accident?? Why can't I just be mangled and on life support? Or horribly disfigured? Why was that not good enough? Why would You need to break my heart into a thousand shards of pain and grief and hurt and fear and anger and doubt and misery? And then make me keep going as though I'm a normal person... that might be the cruelest part of all. Damnit---why???
Trust? Gone. Credibility? Gone. Respect? Gone. Even indisputable facts are twisted into lies now. There is nothing left. Not even the good, the true---the moments that were straight from You, the bond that was so beyond this world, this life... Why did You let us taste it if You were only going to take it away????
Why did You let me stray so far and have so far to come back? I imagine I'm losing everything now, aren't I? Save for family, of course... and hopefully career. You've brought me closer to my sister in the last few months. I imagine she's going to be helping You keep me alive... if that's Your plan at all.
I'd rather be dead right now. I don't need to say it, do I? You already know that. I'd think I was dead from the way I keep going numb... fire one minute, cold the next... searing pain unlike any other, and then nothing, emptiness...
So, what now, God? What now? Was it REALLY that necessary to have me quite so alienated? Well, I suppose I did that to myself, didn't I? By slowly trading off my old life, my life with You and with what was right for me... for attempting to cultivate a new one... it never even was satisfying, I felt constantly out of place, never comfortable, never myself... so what am I even whining about? Because I never fit in, did I? I wish You would have pointed that out to me a long time ago...
I already had that bond and that love before I went there, didn't I? ...Oh, God... I just didn't know it. I didn't think I had it... So I thought, well I have to go further that way---I have to emulate that in order to secure that bond, that connection. I mean, I'm so different, I'm just too different, who would want something so different... Different is something you get curious about and find amusement in for a while, but it's different... it's not normal, it's not what they like or how they are or what they want... I need to see what that's about, I need to see if I can do that. It's what he's got now---it's where he is. So, I'll go and be a part of that, see if I can be like that--at least give it a shot. Who knows, maybe I'll like it and can fit some of it into my life...
And I never once found anything I wanted to fit into my life. I never fit in. I never could quite relax and be myself. Because myself didn't belong there... did it?
Wow... I've never realized just how much I didn't like it. And now I realize how much I won't miss it. So... why did I keep trying to force it? Because... I thought it was a permanent part of him? Because if I couldn't fit into his world then he would leave mine. Way to go, girl---just keep bulldozing through. Hey, you've wandered this far off from God already.
I was supposed to be different, wasn't I? And I had that bond, and that trust, when I was... It was secure because it was what You wanted, what You had designed... But I didn't trust it. I didn't trust You, did I? I didn't trust You to build it and nurture it. I didn't know if it was really from You, so I took matters into my own hands to solidify this thing I wanted, this thing I already had but was afraid of believing in and trusting...
What a fool I was...? Why didn't You stop me?? I was talking about living in the moment and not contriving things, about letting whatever happened happen, living from your heart instead of your head... And yet I began to contrive. The fear I felt in not wanting it to slip away... my lack of trust... I've never even fully seen this before, why didn't You show me then? Why didn't you stop me?? So, if I'd have stayed where I was...?
Oh, God... I can barely stand to think of it. It hurts so bad, God. It hurts so bad... where is Your comfort? Where is Your touch? Am I so far away that Your love can't reach me yet? Please reach me... I'm dying...
I don't even want this stupid clarity!! Shut my eyes! I don't want to know!! I don't want to see this! I don't want to feel, I want to be numb, I don't want to hurt!!
I see it, ok?? I get it! I see that I walked out from under Your protection... and I see why I did it. I see that I stepped outside your veil of safety and security and trust and peace and love... I see that I became selfish. I see that I became arrogant. I see that I put my faith in me and not in You. I took what You were designing, what You were giving me and I wanted to make sure that I got it, so I took it... I took it out of Your hands when You weren't finished with it yet... when it wasn't mine yet.
Oh my God... that is why I tasted it... that is why I felt it. That is why he felt it too. That is why he believed in it... Oh my God... no. Because it really was from You... You had already been working on it for so long... Oh my God... You showed me, didn't You? Didn't You?? Two years ago with that stupid letter, You showed me!!
Oh no... no...
I can't breathe... I can't breathe... Oh, God... please... I don't want to see this anymore, turn it off, please take it away, shut my eyes, I can't handle this... I can't breathe, I can't handle this...
But You are still here. You are still working Your purpose... I know that like I know I am alive and hurting. What is it? Please, give me something of that. Please! I'm begging You... show me something, give me some shred of hope for something more than this pit of misery and despair... give me hope, Father... please...
After You told me that I must tell him all of it--unedited, that I must reveal to him that final shadow in the corner... why did You tell me to do that? That other thing? Was it just to get me to do what I had to do, what I needed to do for his sake, what You wanted me to do? Was it just to get me to trust You so I would follow through? Would You trick me like that?
Perhaps I am grasping at straws when I should just be surrendering... I don't want to think You would, but I don't know what else to think of it... So You just hang tight to that for me, ok? I can't even keep my head above water. I know that. You've shown me. And I can already see a lot more on the horizon...
Not running away is going to be really hard, God... I'm numb again at the moment, so I can tell You this now. I know I will want to close the door. I know I will want to bury it and move on, but I know I'm not supposed to... So I'm asking You now. Please don't let me. ..
Soooo... Ok. I guess that was what's now... now what's next? Yeah, I know... I have to sit in "now" for a while. Chew on this, kiddo... learn it good...
I'm exhausted, God... I don't know how long I can survive down here at the bottom. But I guess that's up to You.
I love You... and I'm sorry...
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