Jack's Personal Growth Chart

Randomness and Birthdays

2008-11-03T23:02:00.001-05:00

Today is Tate's SEVENTH birthday... Can you believe it?? Wow... Time really does fly. (Aside: does this mean I'm having fun?)

I also really miss singing... been thinking about that lately. Quite alot. Right now all I have are my CDs in my car. It has now officially been what feels like forever since I really sang.

And I'm sleepy. As in so-tired-I'm-dizzy sleepy.

Bleah I have a parent teacher conference tomorrow... sooo early...

I want to go back to school. There's so much to figure out in order to make that happen, but I just have to do it--I have to go. To not go back would be to turn my back on one of the things God made me for.

I guess I've got a lot to do. Better get some rest...

Help...

2008-10-30T22:08:00.003-04:00

God, what am I supposed to do? Please help me... You know what I'm going through with Tate. Please show me what to do, show me how to love him--the way he needs to be loved. Show me how to teach him--the way he needs to learn.

I'm at my wit's end, God. I don't know what I'm missing, but I know I'm missing something somewhere--otherwise we wouldn't be going through this. I don't know how to bring him back, how to bring out the good that I know exists in him. Please give me patience, so that I don't end up making it worse in anger. I just don't know how to break through to him. One minute he's got his arms wrapped around me, telling me how much he loves me and how I'm the best mother a boy could ever have... the next, I'm finding candy wrappers in his bed, stolen fixtures from a store, outright lies pouring from his lips, lying about stealing even my own money, God--not once, but continually, with no sign of letting up... and on the surface none of it seems so bad independently, but when heaped upon one another again and again and again and again, and knowing that this has been a constant struggle literally FOR YEARS, and seeing it get worse instead of better... it's overwhelming me. It is daily---and all day, God... why is he not getting it?? What am I missing?

Show me what I'm doing wrong so that I can help him. I don't know how to handle this, how to get him to stop hiding and lying and deceiving... how to get him to start caring. Do I just need to be more vigilant? Hound over him every moment? If that's what it takes, of course I'll do it... but I can't help but get the feeling that's just being a warden to him, beating him down further... when what I need to do is help him to learn that it's not ok to be this way, get him to want to be different, to want to be honest, to want to make the right choices.

It's hard to believe I'm talking about a little boy who is about to turn 7... sounds like I'm talking about a 17 year old. Something's just not connecting with him, God... please help it connect.

- Jess

Hi...

2008-10-14T22:42:00.002-04:00

Hi, God. I know we've been talking, but not much here. It's been a while since I published anything. So I'm restarting.

Things are going ok, right now. I'm feeling a lot better, but still not entirely the way I want to feel, the way I used to feel. I'm trying to stay proactive, and make positive steps forward, steps toward You. I'm learning a lot about myself. A lot of really helpful stuff. Thank You for that.

One of the things I learned today related to how birth order affects personality. Just analyzing various personality traits, seeing how I identify very strongly with some of them... it helps me to see who I am, why I do some of the things I do, cope the way I cope, etc. And understanding myself and the reasons behind some of my fears and behaviors, helps me to be able to make corrections when I uncover those things negatively impact me and those in my life.

Hopefully I will get a chance to note some of the things I'm learning tomorrow. I have a lot to do in the next couple of days. Right now, it's late, and I have to get some sleep.

Thank You, God, for helping me with each step... G'nite.

- Jess

Pause for Posterity

2008-09-14T20:29:00.002-04:00

I'm pausing the conversation to inject some things I want to remember... Some things I want to reference, some things I want to make sure I get down, so that I don't forget them... Most of it will be random and probably make sense to no one but me. Most of it will be things I have learned or found that are especially important to me.

- Fear is a completely normal reaction for anyone faced with an out of ordinary situation that threatens his/her important needs
- There is no way to tell how someone will react to fear. Fear usually depends entirely on the individual rather than on the situation at hand
- Fear could lead a person to panic or stimulate a greater effort to survive
- The worst feelings that magnify fear are hopelessness and helplessness
- You need to accept that fear is a natural reaction to a hazardous situation and try to make the best of your predicament
- Live with fear and understand how it can alter your effectiveness in survival situation
- Control fear, don't let it control you
- Survival more often depends on the individual's reactions to stress than upon the danger, terrain, or nature of the emergency. To adapt is to live
- Your brain is without doubt your best survival tool. It is your most valuable asset in a survival situation (my translation: don't do things that would diminish it's capacity---i.e. drinking)

In determining what types of situations to be prepared for and to develop a survival plan for, research what has happened to others and what you are most likely at greatest risk for.

Not nearly done, but I'll wrap this post up with one more thought: My body is a temple. But if I don't treat it that way, and give an impression with my behavior and treatment of my body that is contrary to that, then I cannot expect others to know that it is, and then further to respect that it is.

Stay with me

2008-09-14T13:43:00.004-04:00

Please give me the strength to get through all this, God... and to do what I need to do. And to keep moving forward, and to keep reclaiming myself and who You made me to be. And to keep letting go, and to face all of this without flinching...

I've been flinching a lot lately.

Keep me real, God. And just stay with me... please.

Sad...

2008-09-13T15:56:00.003-04:00

That's what I feel right now, God. And on top of it, the nausea has set in again, out of nowhere. I think that might be my fear and uncertainty. I notice it, but I will not be ruled by it. I'm afraid, God. I'm sad and afraid... part of that fear rises from hearing him rehash things he has forgiven me for but can't let go of---because he hasn't forgiven me for lying to him, deceiving him... for hiding something vital from him. He hasn't forgiven me, but neither have I asked.

I think that's because I haven't forgiven myself... or maybe I'm afraid of his answer. Probably both. I've been thinking about that all morning and afternoon---that I haven't asked him to forgive me for my dishonesty. I think it's the first time that that has occurred to me, that I haven't actually asked him to. How can I forgive myself if he can't? He can't even see who I am through his anger and hurt----and the cold hard wall he has put up to try to heal it, to try to block the pain. All he's doing is trapping it in with himself, surrounded by it, unable to let it out, let it heal, let it go... but how can I blame him for that? Would I do the same in his place?

I might have, if I wasn't where I am now---where You have brought me. To a place where I can't escape the truth. To a place where I can't do anything to fix the mess I've made with my mistakes. Yes, I would probably do the same in his place, if not for what I know and can't escape. I would probably try to hurt him for all the hurt he caused me. I would probably try to build a wall around myself to shield myself from further hurt.

I'm so sorry, God... I'm so sorry I hurt him... I'm so sorry...

I just want to fall at his feet and beg his forgiveness, but how can I??

I'm not worthy of anything, I'm not worthy of You, or him, or even of living... how could I do this to someone I love so much? How could I lie to him? How could I deceive him? How could I do such a horrible thing? How could I be so selfish and afraid that I would cause him so much pain? Did I love myself so much?? Not anymore... I can't love myself at all, let alone more than him.

I guess that's how You made sure I could love him more than myself now... Make me undeserving of love...

Please wait...

2008-09-12T19:28:00.001-04:00

Hi, God... So I met my new counselor today. I know You already know that, but... Anyway. First, I want to thank You. Thank You for giving me that hint today. It was more than a hint, it was an eye-opener. Thank You for giving me greater understanding of what You had me do last night, and helping me see that part of it was for me. Thanks for being awesome like that, for keeping me on my toes and surprising me with how You completely You can handle anything.

But God, I need to ask You for something. It just doesn't sit right with me, God. You are showing me so much, and restoring me and helping me see the truth, and that its not what it seemed--even to me... But, God, what about him? How can I be restored if You aren't doing the same for him? I know that You want to, that You are waiting on him... but I can't simply leave him here to suffer, to hurt, to grieve... I cannot accept restoration without him... I can't leave him here. You know that. You know me, You made me, and You didn't make me like that, God----like one who could just leave him.

I know he's not listening for You right now. I will be his ears. I know he doesn't see You in this. I will be his eyes. God, You know I will trade my own place for his. I will take on all the hurt, both of ours. I can't just leave him here... I won't. Please, God, stand in the gap and show him Your love, Your healing... Please, just give him at least that much so that he can be happy. Give him the kind of peace that comes from truth... that comes from You.

Frustration, ignorance, and crumbs...

2008-09-12T00:23:00.010-04:00

WHAT are You doing?? Seriously!!

Can I just be frank for a minute, God? I did what You told me to do. Exactly what You told me to do. Exactly the way You told me to do it. I told Him everything You showed me. I focused on what You told me to focus on, and I said it over and over.

Thank You for finally unblocking the rest of it, by the way. I don't know if that was me blocking it or You blocking it... Yeah, it was probably me, now that I think about it. It's how You work. You don't generally DO this stuff, but You allow it... So that lines up.

I have no problem anymore admitting what I've done wrong, seeing the truth of it. I just realized that. And it's because of what You helped me to do tonight, what You told me to do. I hit rock bottom and You made sure I knew exactly where that is, no higher, no lower. Precise. But You showed me what it feels like to be even lower--and that actually helped. I know where I am. You saw to that. And I'm not upset about that part--it's what he's doing with it, it's what You didn't warn me about--why doesn't he know where I am?? How can You let him take my acceptance of the things I did wrong and let him turn into into 'everything I did was wrong'? I did what You told me to do and I trusted You, I still do, right this very moment... Is that why You told me to do it that way? So that he would see me as worse? So that he could twist everything into lies? I am trying, God... I'm still surrendering to You...

But SERIOUSLY, God... why? A hint at least? I thought I understood, I thought You showed me... Was it another trick? Or are they both for something? It's frustrating, God. Really frustrating. I know, I'm still learning... and I know half of this is just an imperfect creature expressing it's imperfection... But I keep going over what You told me to do, replaying it in my head, wondering if I missed something...

" Tell him everything, and stay open to Me, stay broken, for I will show you even more and you will tell him that too. Unedited. You will not defend yourself--you will do the opposite. Stay broken. Vilify yourself for him so that he can't do it anymore, take that burden from him, bear the full weight of it on yourself. Take the angry wind out of his sails with the starkness of your words. Take that wind out of his sails, so that I can fill it with Mine. Stay broken, Jessica."

Father, where is Your wind? Where is Your truth? Where is Your breath and Your hand and Your comfort? What are You doing? All he did was turn his sails and catch another wind, even further from the truth---how can he not even see that? Why didn't he turn to You? I thought that's what this was for. How is that wind going to take him anywhere?? How can he think it possible to take what has already been established and build any kind of wall over top of it as though it wasn't there?

Where are You in this?

Well. At least I have comfort in knowing the truth, even if You aren't showing anyone else... So I suppose I just found another breadcrumb and will keep going.

Darkness and Guilt

2008-09-10T19:03:00.003-04:00

I've felt a darkness of sorts pressing in on me today, God. It seems attached to the guilt... which is attached to the new awareness I have... I think back over the last couple of years and I know that the dark, the bad, the wrong is not all there is... but it's all I see right now. It's where my mind instantly goes. And it makes me nauseous.

So much guilt wells up in me right now over what I've done... over how I've conducted myself. I used to keep my body safe, my mind strong, my heart protected and pure... and in such a short time I've traded it, without even really knowing it. I think I somehow thought that I could just "add" a few things to who I am. But every bit I did myself took a little more away from You.

Or maybe it's like a seasoning I tried to add myself, and ruined the flavor of the whole thing...

I don't know. I see, right now in my mind, recent events and not-so-recent events and I feel like they are converging somehow, into this thing, this beast, this one massive sin, the mother-load of all short comings... not just "a (large) number of times I have failed" but The Failure, proper noun, so enormous it spans years... Why is that? Why are they doing that in my heart? Is it because they are linked/related? Ah, it is, isn't it. I remember when mom told me... "Jessica, don't you see? It's your heart. The condition of your heart. That's why. Big or small, it's all falling short, it's all symptoms of the condition."

Then I feel the urge to face off with it and do battle, to conquer it---that rush of adrenaline and hope, like "Hey, now that I am seeing so much more clearly, I see I'm the good guy and God is on my side, so I'm going to war with this sucker." ...but then I realize how small that "my side"-that-God's-on really is right now... and how big I let that monster get. And then to make matters worse, I see that the monster is actually a growth on that little bitty me... It's attached to me... Because I let it in... I let it grow... I nurtured it and let it become what it became... it... it's a part of me...

And there is an enormous weight of guilt that accompanies that knowledge... and it began haunting me today. Not sure exactly what to do about it. Not sure exactly how to proceed from here... I know I am just to keep moving forward, "just do the next right thing..." I know that it will take time to feel the weight of that guilt lifted off of me. And I don't know how it will even happen. Do I resolve it moment by moment, mess-up by mess-up?

Oh... I don't resolve anything, do I? You do that, don't You? If I am to be restored, only You can do it. If I have value, it is because of You inside me. If I have anything, it is because You give it to me.

This will take practice for me, this surrendering of control until I relearn it so well that I do it better than breathing. It's mental more than anything...

Relearning, retraining... On the way home from work today, I was thinking about how You have made my body a temple. My body is a temple, my body is a temple... And I saw this pristine temple, well-kept and clean and maybe not the biggest or best or shiniest or most full of treasure, but the best it could be--and that was pretty good, considering. And then I saw the same temple a few years later and it was a completely different place...

God, not only did I stop tending to the temple... but I damaged it as well... and then I didn't repair it... and then I did it some more... and then, I let security slack in my lazy and preoccupied management of the temple and I let others in, outsiders, and they robbed it...

And I didn't even know what was going on... I didn't even know I'd been robbed... I was too busy partying upstairs in the banquet room...

Oh, wow... I think I'm going to be sick.

I can't believe You still want this temple... I can't believe You still have me taking care of it. If I were You, I'd have fired me. If I were You, I'd have beaten me within an inch of my life and then fired me... It's what I deserve...

I'm so sorry, God. I'm so sorry...

Yes, I hear Your voice, I hear what You are saying, but I don't even know where to start or if I have the strength. I know, I know! Sitting down in the middle of the temple and crying about the mess won't make it go away, it won't undo any of it. But what about this mess---and what about the integrity of the temple? God, it is compromised, it is defiled. I can't clean that up, I can't put that back, I can't undo that. I am horrified and riddled with guilt--what have I done? How do I undo this?

This weight on my chest is so heavy...

Unedited: A note from the author

2008-09-09T21:16:00.003-04:00

If anyone happens to tune in, that last post, the one right below this, is the start of a journey, unedited... It probably isn't going to make sense to anyone, and frankly that isn't a large concern of mine right now.

It's rather prophetic, I think (surprise, surprise?), that when I started this blog some years ago I thought I was being so clever with my title... and my subtitle...

Jack's Personal Growth Chart...
The journey of a 20-something screw-up as God screws her back down...

And now, here I am. And it has never been more true... more precise... before it was clever and witty and sort of true in a way... But now, it's life or death. It's brutal honesty. It's almost mocking in it's directness, it's almost too gentle a heading.

A lot has happened since I was regularly posting. Even more in the last 3 months. And even more in the last 4 weeks. A lot of it will explain itself as God and I get me back to where I'm supposed to be... or, well... get me to where He wants me. It may not be as "back to" as I may guess...

The journey that I'm on now is really and truly between me and God, and I'm putting it here, where He and I were close and in this place that He set up for this purpose. This is what He wanted me to share. Ordinarily, I'm not a very "every other word out of my mouth is 'God'" kind of girl, even before all this. But I'm telling you now, it's going to be pretty heavy for a while. Don't know how long, just know it's gonna be a while.

So anyway... All you really need to know is that I need to do this "unedited". The thoughts I place here are going to be put down unedited....

...Head to fingers to keypad to u...
There's no other way to do it. It's not me mulling over things all day and then recording them here. This is a conversation with God. This is processing through a whole lot of crap. This is my personal "book of revelation", if you will.

If something occurs to me throughout the day and I don't come immediately here and blog it out as it's occurring, then I will make note of it when I enter it, that it is not free-form thought and real-time discussion with God. That's what this is. Every question in that last post was as I thought it. Every statement, a revelation.

If you have questions along the way, it's ok to ask... but if I don't answer a question or respond to something, please don't be offended. I honestly feel like my heart is just barely beating right now, and there are some moments where I only have the strength to keep breathing.

So anyway... If you're here, hi. If you're lurking, hi too. Just didn't want y'all to think I was crazy ;-)

So...

2008-09-09T19:31:00.002-04:00

I let go, God... and it doesn't feel very good. It's just You and me. Now what?

Part of me wants to be angry with You... a big part at the moment... but You showed me something about that today too, and I want to say it's keeping it at bay. So please, show me something quick before I lose control of it. Yes, I am hurt... Yes, I am afraid. No, I don't want them to collide and produce anger. I want to follow You... but why did You do this??

WHY??? Why would you let me fall so far?? Why would You let me love someone and feel so much and then undo it all just like that???? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?? How could you hurt him so much, and hurt me? What for?? What good can come of this??

Why couldn't I have just been in some horrible car accident?? Why can't I just be mangled and on life support? Or horribly disfigured? Why was that not good enough? Why would You need to break my heart into a thousand shards of pain and grief and hurt and fear and anger and doubt and misery? And then make me keep going as though I'm a normal person... that might be the cruelest part of all. Damnit---why???

Trust? Gone. Credibility? Gone. Respect? Gone. Even indisputable facts are twisted into lies now. There is nothing left. Not even the good, the true---the moments that were straight from You, the bond that was so beyond this world, this life... Why did You let us taste it if You were only going to take it away????

Why did You let me stray so far and have so far to come back? I imagine I'm losing everything now, aren't I? Save for family, of course... and hopefully career. You've brought me closer to my sister in the last few months. I imagine she's going to be helping You keep me alive... if that's Your plan at all.

I'd rather be dead right now. I don't need to say it, do I? You already know that. I'd think I was dead from the way I keep going numb... fire one minute, cold the next... searing pain unlike any other, and then nothing, emptiness...

So, what now, God? What now? Was it REALLY that necessary to have me quite so alienated? Well, I suppose I did that to myself, didn't I? By slowly trading off my old life, my life with You and with what was right for me... for attempting to cultivate a new one... it never even was satisfying, I felt constantly out of place, never comfortable, never myself... so what am I even whining about? Because I never fit in, did I? I wish You would have pointed that out to me a long time ago...

I already had that bond and that love before I went there, didn't I? ...Oh, God... I just didn't know it. I didn't think I had it... So I thought, well I have to go further that way---I have to emulate that in order to secure that bond, that connection. I mean, I'm so different, I'm just too different, who would want something so different... Different is something you get curious about and find amusement in for a while, but it's different... it's not normal, it's not what they like or how they are or what they want... I need to see what that's about, I need to see if I can do that. It's what he's got now---it's where he is. So, I'll go and be a part of that, see if I can be like that--at least give it a shot. Who knows, maybe I'll like it and can fit some of it into my life...

And I never once found anything I wanted to fit into my life. I never fit in. I never could quite relax and be myself. Because myself didn't belong there... did it?

Wow... I've never realized just how much I didn't like it. And now I realize how much I won't miss it. So... why did I keep trying to force it? Because... I thought it was a permanent part of him? Because if I couldn't fit into his world then he would leave mine. Way to go, girl---just keep bulldozing through. Hey, you've wandered this far off from God already.

I was supposed to be different, wasn't I? And I had that bond, and that trust, when I was... It was secure because it was what You wanted, what You had designed... But I didn't trust it. I didn't trust You, did I? I didn't trust You to build it and nurture it. I didn't know if it was really from You, so I took matters into my own hands to solidify this thing I wanted, this thing I already had but was afraid of believing in and trusting...

What a fool I was...? Why didn't You stop me?? I was talking about living in the moment and not contriving things, about letting whatever happened happen, living from your heart instead of your head... And yet I began to contrive. The fear I felt in not wanting it to slip away... my lack of trust... I've never even fully seen this before, why didn't You show me then? Why didn't you stop me?? So, if I'd have stayed where I was...?

Oh, God... I can barely stand to think of it. It hurts so bad, God. It hurts so bad... where is Your comfort? Where is Your touch? Am I so far away that Your love can't reach me yet? Please reach me... I'm dying...

I don't even want this stupid clarity!! Shut my eyes! I don't want to know!! I don't want to see this! I don't want to feel, I want to be numb, I don't want to hurt!!

I see it, ok?? I get it! I see that I walked out from under Your protection... and I see why I did it. I see that I stepped outside your veil of safety and security and trust and peace and love... I see that I became selfish. I see that I became arrogant. I see that I put my faith in me and not in You. I took what You were designing, what You were giving me and I wanted to make sure that I got it, so I took it... I took it out of Your hands when You weren't finished with it yet... when it wasn't mine yet.

Oh my God... that is why I tasted it... that is why I felt it. That is why he felt it too. That is why he believed in it... Oh my God... no. Because it really was from You... You had already been working on it for so long... Oh my God... You showed me, didn't You? Didn't You?? Two years ago with that stupid letter, You showed me!!

Oh no... no...

I can't breathe... I can't breathe... Oh, God... please... I don't want to see this anymore, turn it off, please take it away, shut my eyes, I can't handle this... I can't breathe, I can't handle this...

But You are still here. You are still working Your purpose... I know that like I know I am alive and hurting. What is it? Please, give me something of that. Please! I'm begging You... show me something, give me some shred of hope for something more than this pit of misery and despair... give me hope, Father... please...

After You told me that I must tell him all of it--unedited, that I must reveal to him that final shadow in the corner... why did You tell me to do that? That other thing? Was it just to get me to do what I had to do, what I needed to do for his sake, what You wanted me to do? Was it just to get me to trust You so I would follow through? Would You trick me like that?

Perhaps I am grasping at straws when I should just be surrendering... I don't want to think You would, but I don't know what else to think of it... So You just hang tight to that for me, ok? I can't even keep my head above water. I know that. You've shown me. And I can already see a lot more on the horizon...

Not running away is going to be really hard, God... I'm numb again at the moment, so I can tell You this now. I know I will want to close the door. I know I will want to bury it and move on, but I know I'm not supposed to... So I'm asking You now. Please don't let me. ..

Soooo... Ok. I guess that was what's now... now what's next? Yeah, I know... I have to sit in "now" for a while. Chew on this, kiddo... learn it good...

I'm exhausted, God... I don't know how long I can survive down here at the bottom. But I guess that's up to You.

I love You... and I'm sorry...

Random and Unrelated

2008-08-30T12:15:00.002-04:00

Wow... I slept til almost noon. It's raining out. I could use the sunshine today. Hopefully this will stop so I can mow the lawn. The back is only half done... I guess for now I can try to work on the laundry and garage...

Or my heart. Maybe my mind. Then there's my body.

You never cease to amaze me

2008-08-30T02:50:00.002-04:00

I do not deserve Your love. I do not deserve Your mercy. I do not deserve Your forgiveness, Father, let alone your grace.

And yet You offer all of this to me... You offer all of this to us...

Please help me through this. Please help me do what I need to do, face what I need to face, take those necessary steps. You know I can't do it without You.

Help me see it through to completion. Help me see what You see, feel what You feel, know what You know. Father, give me the strength to show Your love through it all.

Thank You for loving me... thank You for choosing this--for me, and for us.

Stunned...

2008-08-27T23:41:00.002-04:00

I think that describes it best right now... not even numb, as I first thought. Just stunned. Like the opposite of numb but so close you have to strain to feel the difference. To where I feel everything at once and it all sort of neutralizes one another until it's almost numb but not quite the same.

I'm stunned. I'm shocked and hurt and stunned and blown away and betrayed and confused and deceived and lost and all these things...

I got beat down... I got depressed and hurt. I had held on to what I knew, and what I had, and was told for a long, long time... but recently, it started becoming more and more faint--or weak, I guess you could say. I stood steadfast. But I began to doubt. I ignored it at first, turned away from it. But soon I began to believe there was no way to deny it. I guess I've been a fool. I guess I only saw what I wanted to see, and believe what I wanted to believe, and hear what I wanted to hear... for so long. The reality of it slapped me in the face and told me to go away. There's no denying anymore, it told me to go away.

I was so hurt. I was angry. With that reality, with myself for buying into it... with God for letting me be such a fool. For letting me think He wanted me to remain steadfast. Wait and bear the burden I have given you, Jessica. Hold tight, for I know the plans I have for you... How could I have been so wrong? The weight of it was crushing. It threw my whole world into a tailspin. I wanted to stop it.

I was so deceived...

A Letter To Scott From God

2008-08-19T23:53:00.003-04:00

Scott,

Jessica wrote this letter for me about two years ago. But I never let her send it. She kept wanting to, almost did so many times. But it had to be saved for when I was ready for you to see it. Neither of you knew or imagined that the time I needed you to see it would be now, because neither of you could foresee something like this ever happening. And if she wouldn't have written it so long ago, if she wouldn't have heard these things in her heart from me, then none of this could have worked. So yes, I do work in mysterious ways it may seem. But whenever I do something, whenever I get involved, no matter how bad it may hurt, it is always to get you back to what I want for you, to the good that I have planned for you.

I know you have a lot of really hard questions right now. But know that I love you. Know that I am intimately involved in your life right this very minute and in what is happening. This is not just a bad thing that happened to you in life. There are some very good reasons for it, and for why I allowed it and am working within it. But we will talk some more after you've read this letter...

Hi, Scott. It's God. I've been trying to talk to you. I know things are hectic and stressful right now, I know you're busy. And I know you're not happy. That's me, trying to get your attention. But you haven't done a very good job of putting two and two together, so I'm taking a more direct approach.

Yes, Scott. You're getting older. Everyone does. I made you that way. I know you don't like it and you're doing everything you can to fight it, but I didn't design you to go backward. I designed you to go forward. I also know what's best for you, even more than you do. I know it's hard to understand that someone else could know you better than you know yourself, but I've even tried to help you with that---by giving you another person that does. I made her that way too. Maybe you think it's unfair---I know she does sometimes. But she's ok--she's doing what she needs to do, even though she doesn't understand it. She listens to me--she doesn't always obey, but her heart is pointed toward me.

I haven't told you as much about my plans as I've told her. I haven't told her everything, but I've told her as much as I needed her to know in order to hang on... I've told her with dreams, with whispers, with inexplicable feelings. But you... you don't play a good game of poker when your hand is forced. I should know, since I made you that way. But she has more faith in me, and in what she cannot understand. I gave her that too, because I knew she would need it to be able to go through this fire and still hang on.

But like I said before, you haven't been listening. So I'm going to tell you what you've been missing, why everything is in such conflict, why you feel such discord and why none of your attempts to fix it all yourself have been working, or will work. I'm going to tell you that until you stop and listen and make sound decisions as the man I made you to be, it's only going to get worse. I know you've heard the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." That's how I made you, only more extreme. She, on the other hand, is more pliable for me. Not for everyone, but she is for me. She trusts me. I made her that way on purpose. I made her that way for you.

You are a complicated creature, Scott. You have desires that seem to conflict with one another, but they don't really. You don't have to choose--you can realize fulfillment in them all.

You told me that you won't buy in to the white-picket-fence deal. So I burned it out of her. She used to long for it, as all little girls do. But she stopped believing in it, even though I gave her parents that showed her it was possible. She doesn't know why, she doesn't know what happened to cause that desire or that belief to fade away... she just knows that it has. I had to do it that way, so that there was still that small spark of hope buried deep inside. Because there is still that small spark buried even deeper inside of you. But for a long time, I had to keep that hope hidden from her, so that someone else couldn't steal what I was crafting for you.

You told me that you wouldn't be with someone that would hold you back, and keep you tied down in a small town with a factory job, going nowhere in life. So I gave her adaptability, and a restlessness. I gave her the ability to endure hardship for the hope of reward. I gave her a heart that, once fixed, never gives up--I just never let her fix it on something before. I gave her a mind that works constantly to build upon and improve everything she touches. I developed in her an uncertainty about what she wants or where she's going, but I tempered it with the comfort of not really being concerned with the specifics of the outcome... just that there must be an outcome, that she goes somewhere, does something... I made her more concerned with fulfillment of the heart... so that she could embrace your dreams without reservation, and keep you moving toward them, helping you, pushing you, challenging you, sharpening you, holding you accountable.

You told me that you would not be with someone that you had to be dependent on. So I let you prove to yourself and the world that you could survive on your own--but I leave your heart unfulfilled because alone is not how I want you--and alone is not how you want to be.

You told me that you would not be with someone who was dependent on you. So I kept blinders on her and let her float through early adulthood on autopilot letting others make decisions for her, going with the flow, emulating the lives of those she saw around her--not living as a puppet or a leach, still a bright, strong girl, but just not fathoming the responsibilities of life--not grasping how vast a world I've made. Then I woke her up--hard and fast. I changed her entire life in an instant. She was horrified at what she had done--that she had wasted 20 years staring at this little part of the picture and never feeling like she belonged in what she saw, but never having the presence of mind to look for more. That she had wasted 5 years of someone else's life and knew that she had to hurt them, that she was not where she belonged. I did this to her to make certain that every move she made was on purpose. I did this to her to make sure that she would never again give up control of her life. I did this because you need someone with their head screwed on straight, that lives with their eyes open, in control of themselves and making their own decisions, who takes responsibility for their own actions, who cleans up their own messes. Unless a person has lived and loathed dependence, they cannot cling with certainty to independence.

You told me that you wouldn't share the credit for what you've overcome. And so I didn't let you meet her until you'd already overcome it.

You told me that you wouldn't be with someone who wasn't in control of their own life, able to survive and find happiness apart from you, able to be without you, able to pay their own bills and take responsibility. And so I gave her a child, Scott. And in thrusting her into motherhood, I strengthened her core, her foundation. I forced her to prioritize and make hard decisions without regret. I taught her to care that there be order and structure. I put her in a situation where she is forced sometimes to go without so that she can learn that not having every physical thing she desires does not keep her from being happy and fulfilled. I gave her a child to show her what she was capable of. I gave her a child to center and balance her. You need the passion I created her with, the appetite for life, the untamed spirit, the wild heart with which anything is possible. But you also need balance--that grounding, that sober responsibility and reason and logic. You need someone who can play as hard as you but work as hard as you too--and what's more you need someone who can know when it's time for one or the other. So I created her with that wildness that allures you, and then I fostered in her the balance that comforts you.

You told me that you can't stay with anyone because no one can keep you interested... Your fickle heart loses interest so quickly and so it just won't work. I gave you that fickle heart, Scott. I left you unsatisfied by any other encounter so that you would know her when I gave her to you. And so I give her magic... I give you someone so enthralling that you cannot get your mind off of her... It's been more than two years since you first touched her, first tasted her... And still you burn for her like it was the first time. I gave her a body that torments you. I gave her a voice that intoxicates you.

I've put her through so much to prepare her for you. That's why I gave her such an amazing mother... To help her and guide her as she endured these trials. To remind her that she is loved and that more good than she could imagine will one day come of all of this, if she would just hold on and allow herself to be molded by My hand. Her mother was her lifeline. Her mother is the one who taught her what love is, that love that so confounds you with its depth... Her mother was her teacher, her mentor, her comforter, her truest friend... And when the time drew near for me to present her to you, when she needed to know you in order to be molded for you, I took her mother from her... Otherwise she would never have opened up to you and all My work would be for naught.

So you see... you think she is perfect for you, save for certain events that occurred in her life. But the very things you claim negate her perfection for you as a mate are the very things that I put her through in order to make her perfect for you. Rather than see how life's events have shaped her and built her character, you label her and judge her by their very occurrence. Nothing is perfect, Scott. Nothing in this world ever can be because of the fall. But sometimes, and for my own reasons, I allow a closer taste of the perfection that awaits after this life. You are one of few throughout time that I will ever do this for. Don't waste it. And don't waste her...

More love than you can fathom,

God

New look, same girl

2008-04-03T23:11:00.003-04:00

So I've had the same template for years... literally. And while I liked it, it had certainly become outdated and didn't manage to keep up with technology.

So here's a new look. I saw this picture and love it. For those of you who didn't know me in grade school (which should be all of you), I have a thing for blue lights... Don't ask, I couldn't begin to explain it. But I am and always have been mesmerized by blue lights...

I'll feel this out for a bit, see if I like it.

Later.

Still here...

2008-04-03T20:30:00.003-04:00

I'm still here. Don't know where I've been, really, but I *am* here. I doubt anyone else is, but that's neither here nor there.

I've thought about this place lately... I think I want to see if I can manage to make it over here with some regularity and start blogging again. I know I've said it before (and it didn't make any difference), but this place was very good for me... It made me think more, helped me articulate my thoughts, process the mess, make sense of it, vent... In a way, it helped me see the intelligent, independent, and valuable woman that I am. It helped me stay clear on *who* I am.

I guess I'm hoping I can get the same result again.

Can you believe my son is six? yeah... I know. I can hardly believe it either. He's in kindergarten. That's been a whole other struggle... won't go there just yet.

Quick snapshot of life since I last gave any inkling: I'm all too close to no longer being in my twenties, Tate broke his arm on Good Friday, I'm still single (and still tired of the grief I get for it), I work for a huge healthcare company selling surgical instruments, I do go to the gym but not like I used to (struggling to find the enthusiasm I once held for it)... My younger sister is pregnant with her second child, my father lives in Daytona Beach (45 minutes away)... Oh, Tate and I were in a horrible accident in October but we both walked away pretty much unharmed...

Yeah, I think that's probably enough for now. It's hard, when you've been away for so long and there's so much you want to process, but there's just so much explaining to do. I think maybe it's better that way. Let's the thoughts brew a bit longer before I pour them...

'Til then...

What a mess...

2007-12-06T19:39:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like your life is just a mess? Not always, but just for a brief moment, you step back and take stock and wonder where the heck all this crap came from? How did I get here? To this... this mess...

But you tilt your head to the side in curiosity, and--wait a second--it's not such a mess, really... there is beauty... there is love... there is joy... it's just that it's not how you thought it would be. And this just happens to be a none-too-pleasant moment in it.

But do you keep going like it is, work with what's there... or do you draw it all back in, reorganize, and start over? I've written before about how I've attempted that very thing, the "stopping", shall we call it? The reigning in of it all to start over... It never goes very well for me. As a matter of fact, it's been those times that I've done it that have turned out to be the worst times of my life, generally speaking... where I am lost in a desperate attempt to even ascertain a starting point, let alone get going toward anything or anywhere...

So I guess I just answered my own question... God made me not to stop, but to keep going, through whatever it is I find myself in. I will keep moving forward, working with what I have, acquiring what have you along the way (i would say "good or bad" here, but it seems more appropriate to say "good and bad"), making what I can of what surrounds me, and letting Him handle the whole lot of it, really.

I need to just let go... Let Him take me where He wants. I need to stop overanalyzing and start trusting. After all, I'm going to get there one way or the other... but the journey is much less painful and stressful if I follow Him instead of being dragged kicking and screaming and trying to rationalize it all. One thing I know for sure is different: My heart has hardened to some extent in some ways... unintentionally of course, but I'm thankful I have the presence of mind to recognize it. I know now that is a gift not everyone has.

Ok, I think I'm done rambling... I'm sure this has made very little if any sense to anyone else out there... But I needed it. Just so we (or I) am clear: I'm going to soften, I'm going to relax and enjoy the journey...

...or at least I hope I am.

- Jess

Not a clue

2007-02-15T11:04:00.000-05:00

I have no idea why I'm here right now. Just decided to take a short break from work and clear my head. Oh yeah, did I tell you I no longer sell drugs? ;-) Though there are days I long for the simple, brainless monotony of it, lol

Nope, I'm moving on, moving up, moving forward. And these last few months have just reiterated my need to keep doing that. I think I became a whole other person a few months back, and I don't even know how it happened. It definitely won't happen again, that's for sure. Somehow I gave up my strength, my determination, my independence, my confidence... At first, I think I blamed it on another person... but that was unfair. I'm starting to see that it was more in relation to circumstances that I just didn't know how to deal with. And instead of stepping back and tackling them as myself, I think I just got lost in them, unsure of which way was forward, which way was back, afraid of risking anything...

But the smoke is starting to clear. I felt more like myself yesterday than I have in probably six months. I'm back on my turf, prioritizing and running my life. I like it that way. I've decided to go back to school and finally finish my degree, but at the moment, my next step is to figure out just how/where to accomplish that. I have to apply and be accepted somewhere before I do a FAFSA, right? Egads, it's been so long I can't remember.

I'm also looking for a new opportunity as far as my career... It's a looooong story, but basically, the company I went to work for is a start-up and they really don't have their junk together. They supposedly hired me to help them do that, but the boss is basically operating from fear now, and is unwilling to make the changes necessary not just for success, but even for survival. So I'm not able to do much, and it's not really going anywhere.

So we'll see. Keep me in your prayers if you think of it. I'm not a big fan of uncertainty, so I'd like to line something up um, well, today would be good. I'm just done, you know? Ready to have it all back under control. And while no, I didn't design the landscape, I'll hold my own reigns, thankyouverymuch. Basically, my current outlook is that I played a part in getting myself here, I take responsibility for that. Nevertheless, I am here--pretending not to be is counterproductive to getting out. So no, while I didn't design my current surroundings, I am the only one who can get me out of them (with God's help, of course---just go with me metaphorically, lol). So yeah. That's what I'm doing. I don't like where I am, but I have to deal with it until I get to where I want to be.

I wonder if any of that made sense. Ok. Back to work! Go do something amazing.

- Jess

Hurricane

2007-02-12T22:28:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm in a hurricane--or perhaps more accurately, I feel like a ragdoll in a hurricane. Part of me doesn't even care. Part of me is confused. Part of me is angry. Part of me is offended. Part of me is defensive. Part of me is weary. Part of me is anxious. Part of all those parts is bewildered...

...and still another part says, "Bring. It. On."

What else can I do but meet it head on and deal with it? Running is cowardice. Hiding is weakness.

I am stronger than your fear.
You fear that too, don't you? There's no reason to. If you understood where strength comes from, you wouldn't be afraid at all... If strength were to be feared, you wouldn't be drawn to it. But until you understand where it comes from, you'll never attain it the way you so desperately want to. You'll simply continue to cultivate hardness...

But love is stronger than all of it...

"Metaphorical Touch" and "Living"

2007-02-08T12:56:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like you are always reaching out to touch those you love... friends, family, what have you... and they will allow you to touch them, but they never really touch you back? I feel like that all the time... So I stop reaching out so much, knowing the passive rejection that awaits and wanting to avoid it... but in doing that, I inadvertently place more significance--and more hope--on those fewer instances... thereby magnifying the rejection I feel. So basically, I'm creating my own problems. Lovely.

But why is it that they don't touch back? Why is it that they are content to just allow you to touch them? Is it because you have established a pattern of doing all the reaching/touching so they don't even notice or think to? Or is it because you don't matter to them like they do to you? I think maybe it's both... I don't know...

Just kicking the dirt around in my head. On the one hand, I wish I could stop feeling... at least so intensely as I do. It would make life so much simpler. But on the other hand, having known this depth of feeling, having come this far in life, I don't think I could ever be content to go back. I look around me at all the people afraid to feel or oblivious to what life offers in that respect, and I feel sorry for them.

I heard a good quote today: "We're not here for a long time... We're here for a good time." It wasn't talking about partying or being reckless and stupid. It was talking about making the most of it, and not putting things off. Making the time time that we have here good. Not wasting opportunities and making sure that everything is perfect and prepared before moving and doing... It brought to mind something that I say to myself--that the key to success is to START... If you want to succeed at something, you must first start that something... the first step on the path to success is just that: a step. Action. Doing. We don't learn and then live--we live, and in so doing we learn.

This is the way I think of it:
We are not born with the tools we need to succeed in any area of life. We have to acquire those tools. If they were sitting right in front of us, then we'd all be raging successes with love and family and God and work and the whole lot of it... but we aren't, are we? The tools that we need are found only when we begin to move forward, which starts from birth. They are there for the taking at various points on the journey. We move forward, we find, we master, we keep moving forward, finding more, mastering more... We prepare for life as we live life, not before or in between. For it is life that prepares us for itself.

As an aside to that, it would be beneficial to note that just as those tools are spread out along the way, so are the life experiences that those tools were designed to help you with. We will not always be fully prepared for what we come upon, but that cannot prevent us from moving forward. Yes, we will get scratched and tripped and whirled around and sometimes even beaten to within an inch of our lives. But the only way through it is through it.

Wow, ok, I'm gonna stop... I don't even know where all that came from (well, i kinda do, but...). Been a while since that's happened. I hope that helps you, whoever you are...

- Jess

Much Better Place and Reconciliation

2007-02-06T23:35:00.000-05:00

I'm in a much better place right now... I started feeling better Sunday night, after the Super Bowl, though I didn't even watch it (I guess the Colts won... who'd they play?? heh)

I began reconciling with a friend, a reconnection if you will. Then it almost dissolved into a greater dispute and the connection was almost lost, only it was 100% my fault and completely retarded of me and thoughtless and insensitive and I hurt their feelings and wanted the earth to swallow me whole right before them because I could see the hurt in their eyes... It completely sliced me open, killed me right where I stood... But then God stepped in and answered my prayers and the connection remained, feeble as it was... And my friend stayed open to me and let me explain, and though I knew the sting was still there (what with it being so fresh), I think they understood, or at least they tried, and that small thing--that trust, that love, that small effort--was all that was needed and reconciliation continued.

Ever since that moment, I've been feeling better and better... not to say that life has been sunshine and rainbows, but my own disposition, and even my own strength, have been improving steadily ever since.

I was talking with another friend yesterday when I realized: I can handle conflict... I can handle stress and trials and tribulations and anything that life can throw at me or one of my treasured relationships (of which the aforementioned one is one of my most priceless)... but I think a major factor in my ability to cope with all of it is in needing to know that we can get through it, that we're still in it together, that the other party wants to reconcile and resolve it... that is crucial for me.

Upon reflecting on that today, it occurred to me that I don't think I matter to people the way they matter to me. I'm not sure why, and I intend to revisit that, explore it a bit (don't want this to get any more random and fragmented than it already is), but yeah... i need reassurance that they are not going to abandon me , that their love for me does not evaporate if i am not perfect and happy and a sheer joy to be with at any and all given moments or because we've had an argument and they are unhappy with me...

Anyway... it's late. I'm going to bed. 'Night, folks.

- Jess

"Friends", and why they suck

2007-02-03T13:20:00.000-05:00

One thing I've really come to hate about "friends" is that sometimes there comes a point when their behavior changes for the negative, and all in the name of friendship. people stop being real, stop being honest, because they think the truth might hurt you... but what they fail to realize is that the little white lie, that teeny little calculated omission, hurts more than the most shocking or horrible truth... And the truth always comes out anyway... So now, I've lost faith in them, respect in them... They are no longer trustworthy...

But I suppose that in it's own way is a sort of truth coming out... that they would do that. I need to know that about a person as well. Just really stinks that I get blinded by who I thought they were, and I've already trusted them too much.

I need to work on that.

- Jess, aka "Jack"

Almost

2007-02-02T10:21:00.000-05:00

It's almost that time again... Why does every February seem to bring me back here?

I seriously doubt anyone is even out there anymore. It's likely no one will see this. Strangely, I'm comforted by that. Anonymity can be a freeing thing, in ways. But it has it's chains too. Keeps you living in the hell you want to escape because no one can find you to help pull you out of it.

Life is really screwed up. Mine anyhow. I thought I was doing ok there for a while. And I know it's getting better... But it's still so close to bad that it's not really noticeable yet. But of course, once my mood changes, I'll probably have a different perspective on it. It's very gray out today... Been raining on and off. And we all know what that does to me. The melancholy sets in, despair dancing around it's edges.

I suppose I have a lot of catching up to do... Sit tight. I'm sure it'll come.

- Jess, a.k.a. "Jack"

My Heart Hurts...

2006-02-11T02:45:00.000-05:00

It was two years ago today... and it still hurts like it was yesterday.

You're absolutely right, Pam...

2006-01-29T16:24:00.000-05:00

I do need to get back to blogging. I need to start processing things again. I need to have that sense of accountability, however intangible it may be.

So how am I currently? I'm still struggling in plenty of ways, but the mood of the moment: resolved. I don't know if it'll last, I don't know what it will push me to do, precisely. But I'm in one of those mindsets that says "Enough. Pick your sorry self up by the bootstraps and get moving, 'cause ain't nobody else gonna do it for you." It's closely akin to the "sick and tired of being sick and tired" mood. It's time to stop feeling helpless and melancholy, to buckle down and do what needs to be done. I don't know exactly what needs to be done, but I'm feeling the need to do it. So that's kinda encouraging. We'll see where the motivation takes me.

Heads up, Lenny... But don't push!! I'll get there. ;-)

Financially, I'm tired of hanging by a thread, so that has just got to stop. I'm thinkin' about trying a short-term roommate or something. So be in prayer about that, if you think of it.

Emotionally, I'm tired of FEELING. At least, tired of feeling all the crap that has me down or hurt or negative or whatever. Tired of the tumult.

Professionally, I'm tired of juggling and struggling and trying to play catch up. I've got to stay on top of the paperwork or I'll drown in it. This is one area in which I've already identified a step to take. I'm going to go in an hour early every day until I'm caught up--hopefully it won't take more than a week or two. I realize that that's one less hour I'm with Tate, but our mornings aren't usually what you'd consider quality time or anything anyway. And he enjoys eating breakfast with the kids at school more than he does sitting at the dining room table alone while I whirl around him getting ready for work.

Physically, I'm still doing pretty good. Had my body-fat pop-quizzed last week: 7.5%! Woohoo! I've had a lot of things pop up in the last couple of weeks though that seem to be trying to throw me off my regimen (emergency conflicts with gym-time, basically), so I need to get my head back in the game and back on track.

So there (or here?) I am.

Peace out.

uncertain

2005-12-28T00:33:00.000-05:00

so i'm not really sure why i'm here... yes, i'm still alive, but only by the grace of God because i'm sure i don't deserve to be. i don't know what to say, whether to bore you with the same old tedium of why i haven't been around. i can't even put my finger on it right now, nor do i know if i ever will be. i don't even know if i'll come back again... maybe i'm groping for something (and this is where the audience yells "GOD!!!! Duh, woman!!!" and I, being just a flicker on a screen, remain dutifully oblivious and continue to grope in vain...)

i'm having a particularly difficult evening, emotionally. so i don't even want to talk. "then why are you here?" they ask. i don't know. i just am. i miss the way i was when my blog was in it's prime, so to speak. i miss how excited i would get about God and worship and just how on fire i was. i had purpose. i had vision. i had passion.

i don't have anything anymore. and i don't even really know where it went. if i did, i'd go get it.

ok, my mind just wandered for about ten minutes. before i forget, could you do me a favor? in the future, if you ever hear me talk about quitting things again, like just taking a break to sort things out and figure out myself and all that jazz, do NOT let me do it. k? k. i should have known better, i suppose. this is precisely what happened the last time i did this, so long ago. my life was irrevocably altered and not in good ways. i never intend for it to get like this. the intention is always noble... but i end up stuck. i only mean to catch my breath, but somehow i get turned around all together and i forget how to even proceed... or if i remember, i'm just too scared... i don't know.

i know i'm not making sense, i apologize for that. i'm just a mess. don't mind me.

updates! updates are always good, right? i'll give you updates...

Tate is still growing like a weed. He's 4. Got a ton of great stuff for Christmas. Taking swimming lessons. And he's coming in to a new awareness of his life and his family, that his dad is so far away, etc. It's been a little rough... Tink is gone, has a new family and is thriving. Dad and his new wife are doing great, going away again this weekend. Rest of the family is good. New nephew is cute as a button.

And me? i don't want to go there right now. let's just suffice it to say that i'm going to H2O, i'm still not singing (though i've begun to yearn for it again), i still have the same job, and i'm still struggling daily over the same guy i've been struggling over for a year now... highly uncharacteristic of me, but there it is. struggling in whole new ways and on whole new levels, no less.

that's all i can manage to eek out tonight... i'm going to bed. i suppose that wasn't too bad. maybe i'll be back afterall.

-jack

Detached

2005-09-21T22:48:00.000-04:00

How did I get so far away from God? And so quickly? I have fallen into a pit, indeed... I feel so shut off from Him. But, it's odd. It's not a desperate sort of feeling, but more detached. I don't know, I can't quite describe it.

I'm working my way back, but I can tell you this: without His veil of mercy, I am a wicked, vile thing. We all are...

-Jack

Long time, no blog

2005-09-10T13:28:00.000-04:00

Wow it's been a while... Don't really know if i have anything i want to share right now, but i just happened to be surfing over at my dad's while Tate plays on the patio, and I thought I'd look in and see if my blog is even still here. Obviously it is.

Things have been insane, as usual... actually more so. I don't know if i'll ever share here what's happened in my life in the last month, but it's definitely been rough. There have been some great things about it, but some truly horrible as well.

I still feel lost, uncertain... But I'm trying to put the pieces back together and move forward. I'm still addicted to the gym. I still haven't found a home for Tink. I'm probably going to buy a new car soon (I drive an 11-year old pick-up truck and the A/C is about to go out on it).

Let's see, what else? Oh, I've been fighting quite a bit with Tate's Dad lately. Well, I'm done fighting, actually. Ok, fighting is the wrong word... I've been appealing to him since Tate's surgery last November to help us a little more. See, when we initially set up child support, I took a reduced amount to try to help him out. But a year and a half ago, my financial situation changed drastically (both income and expenses), and I've some rough times since then. I could have filed for a modification then, but I don't want him to be hurting either, so I tried to make it work. Then with the surgery bills and all, and with him taking a bunch of time off work, I nearly lost my house again recently (almost happened once before when he was behind on child support, but God totally came through for me). Anyway, I've been pleading with him to help us and he has flatly refused at every turn. Right now he's about $2000 behind again. With no intention of catching up until they take it out of his tax return next year (but they can only garnish so much of it, and it won't be enough to catch him up, but he doesn't care).

So I finally told him if he doesn't help us, then i have no choice but to file for a review and modification of child support, and that whatever they award me i'll take in it's entirety. His answer: you do what you have to do. I'm not paying anything that's not ordered by the courts.

I warned him that i'd done some calculations, and that he'd have to pay probably somewhere between $50 - $75 more per week, and it would be cheaper for him if he'd just catch up and help me with the medical bills (which are legally his responsibility anyway, but we won't go there right now). He maintained that he would not help.

So finally, I did it. I filed. The answer came back even more than I had expected, and he's going to end up paying almost double what he pays now. And now i'm the bad guy again. But I'm done. I'm tired of being punished, I'm tired of being treated with disrespect, i'm tired of being hung up on for not agreeing with his side of things... I'm just done. I spared him and made concessions for him and done him favors and bent over backward for him for 3 years, and it's been nothing but a classic example of throwing my pearls to the swine.

So the only thing up in the air now is whether he'll accept the modification (which will put it through in about a months time) or contest it (which would cost him thousands of dollars and he'd end up paying the same, but it would drag things out for months). So if you're itching for something to pray for, pray that he'll just accept the modification and be done with it.

I also just agreed to let Tate go up there for a week next month. Please pray for that to go well too. They know i don't think it's a good idea, and they know I'm extremely uneasy about the whole thing. And if even one thing goes slightly awry, then he will not see Tate again until a judge orders it.

So there i am... Those are some of the things on my mind lately. I'm attending H20 with some modicum of regularity right now... Tomorrow will make 3 weeks in a row. That's a good thing.

Oh, and I've recently discovered a base truth about men... They want all the benefits without any of the risk. (yeah... don't ask.)

Peace out.

- Jack

What A Great Night

2005-07-22T23:49:00.000-04:00

Seriously, it's been a long time since I've felt like this at the end of a night. I feel awesome. Physically... emotionally... just good, y'know? It started out a little frustrating. I won't go into why, but I can tell you I was very much on edge.

L agreed to watch Tate while I went to the gym to blow off a little steam. I started feeling a little better once I got to it, but the tension remained. So I finished my workout and decided to go into one of the raquetball courts and knock the volleyball around some, work on my left shoulder, etc.

I hadn't even worked up to real hitting yet when a friend of mine came in and wanted to play a little one-on-one. We were there til closing, playing on an imaginary net, and having good, old-fashioned sweaty fun. It was just... I don't know, just simple pleasure. No drama, no mind-games, no stress, no tension... just playing and really enjoying it.

After leaving, I thought things might get a little sour for me, as I was expecting to have to see someone tonight that I had no interest in being around (the polar opposite of the person I played volleyball with--pure drama). But then, I got back, and he was gone. He'd already left. It was awesome. Like... whipped cream on your pumpkin pie... like a candy cane in your hot chocolate... Great night made better.

Ah, if only every day could end like this...

(I'm going to go to bed now before something has a chance to go wrong)

Later!

-Jack

Wow...

2005-07-17T23:31:00.000-04:00

This place is deserted... Sheesh.

Been forever since I've been here. I've been contemplating giving it up. But then I think of how good it's been for me, and I don't want to.

I'm so messed up right now. I don't even know how exactly, I just feel like I am. I haven't been to church in a month... All I do anymore is work, work out, and try not to think too much.

What am I running from?

I don't have the faintest idea... But I know I need to stop.

In more practical, tangible news:

- I'm waaaaaaaaaay flat broke. Tate's dad is almost $2000 behind on child support. I haven't gotten a single payment in two months. He took off work to have an elective surgery... so Tate and I suffer. Thanks. Lots. I'll probably be able to make rent at the end of the month, but that's about the only payment I'll be making... Utilities and whatnot will have to wait, unless God decides to drop a wad of cash in my path, which is highly unlikely...

- Tate has never been so trying... He's SO mouthy. Just back-talks all the time. It has to be a phase or something, but I'm having a very hard time coping.

- I'm addicted to the gym. I've been going every day... weekends included. It feels fantastic, everyone should do it. Either that or it should be illegal, because I'm tellin' you, it's like a drug.

- Still haven't found a home for Tink, but I haven't been looking very hard. I know it's not fair to her, but I just dread having to give her up.

- Other than that, I'm just lost...

So yeah... There I am. I haven't done much praying lately, but I did the last two nights, laying in bed. It's a start, I guess. Do you ever have that feeling, though, when you've sorta turned away from God (not like, done something horrible, but rather just let the relationship slide into autopilot and sit there) that He's fine without you? I dunno, like He doesn't need you, doesn't want to hear from you, don't even bother? I know it's the enemy and all, I just wondered if anyone else ever got hit that way too...

So I guess I won't give up on my blog just yet... Let's see if I can get back to where I was with it. That'd be nice. Hopefully I'll come out of this cocoon soon and I can get back to things...

Later.

- Jack

P.S. - yes, I'm still struggling with that same stupid situation... but i'm trying to remember that i'm an adult, and i'm not allowed to fixate like some silly girl on some stupid guy. seriously, jack, grow up. (yeah, what she said.)

Just to let you know

2005-06-24T08:49:00.000-04:00

I won't be around much the next week or so... Tate's dad is coming in today and he and his wife will be staying at my house for part of the visit. Lovely...

Oh, and I won't be going to Sydney this year either. *sigh*

Later.

Here again

2005-06-21T22:54:00.000-04:00

Wow, this is three nights in a row. I'm impressed. You should be too. :-) Yeah, whatever. So anyway, I'm here. Hi.

I was just thinking of what I should blog. What should I say? Should I go where my heart is and really blog out all the crap in there? Should I just dive in and really explore all the issues and idiocies that comprise me lately?

I wanted to... I really, really did. But I can't. I can't make myself put it out there. I can't bring myself to externalize the internal. The thought of doing that at this point just terrifies me. I had a really heavy morning today. I almost didn't go to work. Something came crashing down on me as I went about my morning, getting ready for work, and it took my breath away... all the while bringing me to tears.

It's strange sometimes, in retrospect... God sometimes picks the oddest moments to speak, doesn't He? I was washing my hair. It just... I don't know, it just strikes me now as odd. I mean, why not late at night, alone, in the dark, when I can't sleep anyway because my mind just won't stop? I don't know, I suppose it's trivial to spend any length of time pondering something so... well... trivial. But it just stuck out to me.

Oh yeah, almost forgot. My counsellor finally called me today. This afternoon, actually. She apologized, and I just brushed the whole thing under the rug (as usual). She wants to try Monday nights (isn't that convenient, since it's Tuesday).

Egads, do you see what my mind does? I'm horrible!! I'm so mean, and I lack mercy... I lack grace. In some situations, I'm the most merciful person you'll ever meet, but when it's something that my psyche perceives to be an attack on me in any way (i.e., she's bailing on me, he did that just to hurt me, etc), I'm stone cold, impenetrable, and downright awful.

At this point in my journey (let's call it), I can say with honesty (but also with chagrin) that I don't feel bad about my defensiveness if it really is an attack on me. My concern (or what strikes me as so horrible about the defensive posturing) at this point is the thought that I might be jumping the gun with it. That the automatic response is SO instantaneous as to leave no room for discretion or true judgement on the matters. I don't give an inch... when often the inch is necessary, because I'm pretty sure I'm not being attacked nearly so often as my instinct perceives. I'm so desperate not to allow anyone to affect me in a negative way that I don't give them the chance to affect me in a positive way either... and ultimately in so doing, I inhibit my own opportunities to impact their lives positively.

I instinctively remove the possibility of relationship... Not good.

Ok, maybe I got a little deep there, or more so than I intended at least. Don't really know where that came from---sorry. But since it's there, I'll leave it. K, I'm 'bout done in here for tonight. I think I'll go wear myself down to the point of exhaustion with some cardio. Oh, did I mention I've actually been working out lately? It feels FANTASTIC. Love it.

K... 'night.

- Jack

Argh.

2005-06-21T00:20:00.000-04:00

So today was another exercise in willpower in which I failed. We kissed again. But at least we talked about it like adults afterward. We know we can't behave like this. And we're not going to anymore...

Truth be told, though, I want to. I know that's wrong, but it doesn't change the desire. Maybe it's just that I want any part of him that I can get. Ok, that's pretty pathetic. Sheesh. Don't tell anyone I said that.

On another note, I think I've unwittingly lured another into my web. I feel horrible, but I think he's just misconstruing everything I say. Guess I should just keep my mouth shut, eh? Yeah...

So I'm here. I made a c... c... commitment (*reel back in horror*) to blog tonight, and I've done it. That wasn't so hard.

And on yet another note, I think my counsellor is bailing on me. She cancelled last week, left me a message, said she was really sorry, all that, and can we discuss possibly trying to find a different time, as she's going to need to be clearing her Tuesday nights... So I called back, left her a message to give me a call so we can work out a time, blah blah... and I haven't heard from her. So as far as I'm concerned, I think I'm done. Not that I've worked everything out and it's no longer necessary because I'm all "whole" and stuff... But... wow, i think it kinda stings. Yeah... it does. Well, at least I can recognize the defense mechanisms shifting into play. I'm actually shutting down to her already. Wow, I don't really give people much slack, do I?

More to chew on, I suppose...

At any rate, I think I'll go ahead and c...c...commit to blogging again tomorrow night. Only good can come of it, right? Yeah... sure. But for whatever it's worth, I promise I'll blog tomorrow.

- Jack

Hmmm...

2005-06-19T22:46:00.000-04:00

So I still find myself avoiding my blog. Not 100% sure why, though it probably has something to do with not wanting to explore all the crap in my head that I know shouldn't be there... It probably has something to do with the fact that I very well could be headed down a road I shouldn't be... It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm struggling...

So yeah, all the reasons I haven't been here are all the reasons I should be. So here's me, making a concerted effort to do something that I know can help. I'm gonna do it in baby steps, of course, because this particular C-word makes me panic almost as much as the other one. So here's my first baby-step: I will blog tomorrow night too. Even if it's only a quick paragraph, even if I'm dead tired, even if I'm busy. I will blog tomorrow. I promise.

There. Now that that's settled.

It's been a while since I've laid out some brutal honesty, so I think it's high time I went at it. Let's start with my failures of late:

1. I've been drinking too much... Not in an I'm an alcoholic kind of way, but I noticed I've been medicating with it. I drank two nights this last week. But there's also a selfishness to it... Like it's not just a means to escape or numb. But rather a "Everyone else my age gets to do this, gets to kick back and have a few or whatever--I want to too." Wow, just typing that out helps me to see how childish and worldly and flesh-y that is. Well, good, it's a start.

2. My previous post that relates to being a daughter of Eve was about having gotten myself into an inappropriate situation in which the subject of the last few months angst and I kissed. Not a good idea, because (watch closely, here comes the brutal honesty:), willpower is not my strong suit, so if it continues I'll end up doing something I promised God that I wouldn't. So in case you were wondering, my desire for this guy has not diminished. It's just been compounded.

That's interesting to me... I was trying to figure it out before, the way my desire for him was not sexual in nature. The physical attraction was there, to be sure. But I think it was just outweighed by the desire for relational intimacy. I don't know. I still haven't figured it out, probably never will. I was probably just suppressing that particular aspect because I assumed my attraction would be unrequited. Surprise, surprise.

...my dad got married last Saturday. I can't go there right now. Don't get me wrong, she's really nice, and she really loves him, and he loves her, and all that good stuff. I don't know why it's so hard for me to even dwell on for any length of time. It just is. So I'm not going to right now.

I'm not nearly as fun and interesting to read as I used to be, am I? Sorry... I'll get back there someday.

- Jack

She's back

2005-06-09T23:23:00.000-04:00

What's up, people? I'm back. Sort of. Tonight's post won't be long, I have far too much going on inside my head and far too little of it figured out to be trying to put it down here right now.

A lot has happened in the last few weeks... Too much, I think.

But, since I'm here, I will share one thought in particular that seems to be haunting me right now. It relates to Adam and Eve. See, Eve was the crown of creation, the ultimate finishing touch, it was not good until God made her...

He made her to be Adam's ezer kenegdo... his helper, lifesaver, counterpart... but instead, she became his downfall.

I've never felt more like a daughter of Eve than I do tonight...

- Jack

Quick Update

2005-05-29T18:30:00.000-04:00

Internet still down---I have 3 minutes here at my dad's house, so I can't really blog much. Just wanted you to know I'm still alive, but things are still very strange right now.

I'll be back sometime... Hopefully this week.

- Jack

Argh

2005-05-19T00:14:00.000-04:00

Something's wrong with my internet connection at home---they say it's probably my modem or whatever. I've got a tech coming out to look at it tomorrow afternoon, hopefully my connection will soon be restored. I'm at my dad's house right now.

I have oral surgery tomorrow morning at 9am... A couple of severely impacted wisdom teeth will soon trouble me no more.

I'm. So. Scared. I hate going to the dentist.

In other news, I don't exactly know what's happening to me lately. I recognize some signs, I think, but I'm not sure what it all means. I've quit just about everything. The only commitments I'm maintaining are Tate, work, and counselling (for now--but that may go the way of the wind if it proves to be too much). I've also switched music genres... You can tell a lot about where I am emotionally by what's currently coming out my speakers. And every once in a great while, I go back to this genre...

Anyway, I think I'm just rambling to take my mind off the next day's events. But just to let you know, something big is afoot. Whether good or bad, I don't yet know.

Later.

- Jack

Unsure...

2005-05-06T23:33:00.000-04:00

I'm unsure of why I'm here, why I'm blogging... But since I find myself here, I might as well make the most of it and just blog away.

I'm so sick of being alone.

I know that's uncharacteristic coming from me, but it's true. This is just going to be a horrible weekend. Mother's Day, eh? I don't have a mom anymore... Dad's out of town visiting his new fiance... Rachael and Teddy took Tate to Georgia for the weekend to see my other sister... so there goes all that. And I sat there tonight and listened to all these different people talking about their relationships... or complaining about their relationships... or else I witnessed them, firsthand, interacting within said relationships... And it just made my heart ache. I can't even believe I'm admitting this right now. I won't even admit how I feel to myself, and here I am blogging it at midnight on Friday, May 6th... Mark this date in history---the stone-hearted Jack has finally cracked.

But this is when I hate myself the most. I've never in my life hated myself more than I do right now. I loathe this weakness in me. I despise this utter lack of self-control. I'm stronger than this... Damnit I'm stronger than this.

At least that's what I tried to tell myself in my last post. Truth be told, I'm not as strong as I'd like to think. I'm just really good at putting up a show of it. Y'know what, though? The saddest part of all is that admitting it won't change a thing. I'll still pretend to be tough as nails. You don't have much of a choice when you're me.

So yeah, mood of the moment, since I'm being so honest? Alone... utterly alone... I've never in my life felt more isolated. Most of it is my own doing, but that doesn't change the circumstance. Regardless of how I got here, I'm here.

Sorry this is so fragmented and pointless and dark. Those of you who've been around a while will recognize this as one of those "lows". I'm in the dark place, the withdrawn place. I knew it was coming, I tried to hold it off, but it happens. I just need to learn to deal effectively with it instead of letting it overtake me like this.

Tomorrow is another day, right?

-Jack

So...

2005-05-03T22:14:00.000-04:00

... hi. Sorry I haven't been around. I guess I've kinda been avoiding my blog. I'm not wanting to deal with things, and I'm sorry. To you and to myself. I set out to share this journey, and I've not really held true to my intentions. So yeah... I'm sorry.

So much has been flying through my head the last few weeks... I feel rather like I'm in a whirlwind. Or maybe I'm a freight-train barrelling along, full speed ahead without a brake...

A brake... The train analogy was brought up by my counsellor tonight. We were discussing my former marraige, and what went wrong and why and trying to unearth the feelings wrapped up in it all that I was basically too young to recognize. Ordinarily that would all sound like psycho-babble to me, but there really were things that I knew I felt but couldn't articulate. At any rate, we got onto why I didn't want him and what I really do want...

I want strength... solidity... I want someone that makes me feel safe and secure, enough to where I can be free to be myself... Someone whose wing I can thrive under... Someone who wants more for me than even I want for myself. I am a strong woman, and I will settle for nothing less than a stronger man. I was trying desperately to find the right words to express this notion that's always been in my head... Suddenly I realized it was rather akin to the freedom we find in captivity to Christ. In an effort to help her understand, I used an analogy that I made up for Tate's dad, when he struggled with accepting the "limitations", as he saw them, that the convictions of my (seriously underdeveloped) faith put on me and on our relationship:

Say you're in a meadow... a massive, rolling meadow that stretches out far as the eye can see. There is no limit to where you can go or what you can do or what lies ahead... it's bordered by a beautiful forest, and you're free to roam as far as you like, do whatever you want... But there's a section of this imaginary place that is fenced off. It's not a giant wall, or a menacing barbed wire fence... Just some posts with beams set in them, a simple but clear marking off of territory. Inside this area is nothing really spectacular that you can tell from outside...

I said to him "You are out there. But this is where I have chosen to dwell--in here. Here I am protected, here I am safe--there is no fear, and as long as I stay here, I know I am doing what is best for me--there is nothing out there that can give me any more fulfillment than what is around me here. Here I have everything I'll ever need, here I can be all I was intended to be. You can be here with me... But I will only be here. I will not go out there with you. It's your choice."

...Or something to that effect. I recall the imagery of the analogy much more clearly than I do the wording. But I hope the meaning carries through sufficiently for you... That was at a time when I was very slowly but also very surely returning to God. I was, bit by bit, turning away from the sin that I was entrenched in, mostly with regard to our living arrangement. Thinking back, he was probably wondering what kind of crazy woman he'd gotten himself involved with--sleeping with him was ok to start with, but now we have to stop? Eh? I don't think it made any sense to him at the time... I'm grateful that it does now, and that he's accepted Christ and has recently married a wonderful Christian woman who is nothing but good for him.

At any rate, where was I? Oh yeah, therapy (insert cringe). So I told her the analogy, and she said it was great, it made perfect sense... I told her that's one of the ways that I view a relationship as well, or at least my ideal, I suppose. That as Christ is the head of the church, so should a man be the head of his family--and that includes the wife. Not in some abusive, chauvanistic way... but in the way it was intended--a beautiful comingling of the differences between man and woman that God created... merging together to create something truly amazing... We ought not be trying to downplay and trivialize and erase our differences, rather we should be celebrating them. I wasn't designed, in a marraige relationship, to worry about certain things... so when I do have to worry about responsibilities that God did not intend for me to have, it feels unnatural and makes me uncomfortable and unhappy.

In the discussion that ensued, she mentioned her own analogy, or one that she'd heard, that she thought might apply... That women can sometimes be like freight trains out of control, and we need someone strong enough to stand in our path and stop us... a brake... not in a manner of proving how strong he is or in a controlling way, but out of love, out of a desire to protect us from even ourselves if need be... it'd be really really nice to have a brake...

As usual, I don't even know if I'm making sense. My brain goes so fast that my hands often have trouble keeping up, and I have a tendency to omit entire trains of thought without realizing it. So if that didn't make sense for you, leave me a comment stating such and I'll try to clean it up.

But all of this is for naught if I don't really want someone, isn't it? I'm not ready to go there yet. I'm just exploring the notion. I'm still leaning more toward permanent singleness--maybe because my standards are too high. My intellect has a tendency to permit my heart only to desire those things which it knows to be so improbable as to be safely out of reach.

I haven't found a man other than Christ who could live up to my expectations (though that guy is starting to get too close to my expectations for comfort with every new thing I learn about him, but we won't go there)... and for now, I still say I'm better that way.

-Jack

Epiphany

2005-04-22T19:27:00.000-04:00

I finally have my answer... It makes perfect sense. Hosea... minus the scandal.

I was pacing around my house yesterday during my lunch break, that guy on my brain again. But more specifically, the why of it all. Why do I feel this way? And why is it so different? Why don't I want him the way I've wanted others in the past? Why won't it go away? And why--WHY!!--why is it so damnably different? I had just given up and was about to go back to work... and suddenly He spoke to my heart. As surely as the sun rose this morning and is even now setting, He answered me... And I could hardly believe what He said.

"Now, Beloved... Now you know. You feel what I feel. This is what I feel for each of you."

And in that moment my heart broke. I was thrilled and crushed in the same instant. I can see it so clearly now. My constant preoccupation with him... my desire simply to be near him, to get to know him, to share in his life, to reveal everything about myself to him... Will he talk to me today? And if he does, will he share some of himself with me? Will he smile at me when he passes by, or speak perhaps? All I want is to know him and be known by him... to give of myself for whatever he may need... to know the depths of him, as well as the mundane...

And that, God said, is what He wants from me... And each of you. He longs for us. He aches for us. He waits with baited breath for us to come to Him... to acknowledge Him throughout our day. He just wants to take part in us, and for us to take part in Him. He wants us to share our lives--lives that He gave us--with Him. He is constantly preoccupied with thoughts of you... He wonders if you'll smile at Him, He wants to tell you to have a great day, that He loves you, that He'd do anything for you... He wants to be near to you, to reveal Himself to you. He wants to delight you and delight in you.

And so now I know... I know why. And I know that it's not over. As soon as He answered me, He brought the story of Hosea to mind. He showed Hosea how He felt, He made Hosea live it. And now He shows me. I'm not presuming to rank myself in terms of importance anywhere near Hosea. But the essence is similar, and it helps to put my situation in perspective. He is using this as a real-life, earthly example so that we (or at least I) can understand... The Holy One of Israel, the Living God, Creator of all things yearns for you...

I wept today... I begged Him to either give me this desire of my heart or take it from me, that I can't handle this--this depth of feeling. I pleaded that it would end. But I know it's not over yet. I don't know when it will be, or if it ever will be... I'm thinking it could go on for a very long time. If anything, this new dynamic has only compounded the original pangs, for now I know His heart... or at least this part of it.

So now you know too.

-Jack

I've Been So Bad

2005-04-18T20:19:00.000-04:00

...at keeping up with blogging, that is. Well, I'm sure I've been bad in other ways too...

For all who are interested, the crush rages on unabetted... ugh. I still don't get it either. My crushes usually have the life-cycle of a fly. And they are ALWAYS completely physically based. That's why they just annoy or aggravate me more than anything... But this one just doesn't fit the mold. It's driving me up a wall. It's not physical... I mean, I guess in a way it is, but not like the others. It's just wanting to be around this guy. I've dreamt about him a few times, he pops into my head all the time... But none of my thoughts regarding him are sexual in nature. At all. So why is he popping in my head?

Therapy went pretty well last week (I still can't get over the fact that I'm actually "in therapy"). We actually ended up talking about my crush problem, and the current one. We've now established that I'm an all or nothing kinda gal, which would explain why I want the crush(es) to just completely go away. I don't want to entertain the thought if I'm not willing/able to pursue a relationship with the person. So that was interesting. I hadn't realized it. But more specifically, we examined what could make this one so strong and different. She had a very interesting revelation on that. She asked if it was possible that perhaps God is orchestrating this on purpose to get me to feel... and perhaps not just to feel, but to feel strongly and without my need for control over the feeling, to give me something tangible to just let go over, something in front of me to stir me up... Basically to get me to break open that floodgate, to realize what is possible on the other side... I'm probably not making much sense, or taking you with me to where I'm trying to go with this.

She said C.S. Lewis (I really want to read him) said something about every desire we think we have is really a desire for God. And this could be a fantastic and life-changing example of that. That I need to keep looking, keep digging, beyond my completely irrational, inexplicable desire for this guy (and i do mean inexplicable, trust me, i've given it a lot of thought and there is no explanation even bordering on rational or even coherent) and realize what it really is, and Who i really desire... That this could not be about the guy at all, but rather God...

That in and of itself is scary, simply put because I think I'm afraid to want/love God that much. I think it would be dangerous to burn so hot and strong for God... Not for me as much as for Tate... I have a responsibility to him. If I didn't have him, I'd probably have given over to my desire to serve God more directly and continuously... I want to do it, but it would mean really (and physically) throwing off the "way of the world"... the job and house and security... I would have no choice but to forfeit that for faith in my God...

I'm not saying that having a job and a home goes against God, I'm just talking about for me... I know what this sort of "giving in" to my desire for God would require for my life, and I can't figure out how that could possibly work when I have a child to feed and clothe and nurture and teach...

So I guess I'm just still working it all out... I don't know... I don't know what to think. But I know I still can't get that guy out of my head. It does ease some of the pressure though when I consider my counsellor's words on the matter.

- Jack

Makin' Me Crazy

2005-04-11T14:45:00.000-04:00

Blogger is starting to drive me nuts. Is anyone else experiencing all kinds of technical problems getting in? I have 15 minutes to sit and blog on my lunch break... But I just spent 13 trying to get in. And now I have to go.

I'll try again later. Bye, kids!

- Jack

Ages... with updates

2005-04-06T20:32:00.000-04:00

Egads, it's been ages, hasn't it? Things have just been hectic lately. No time for much of anything. I do believe this calls for a few updates:

1. Rachael and Teddy got married! Yay! They were wed on Saturday afternoon at our church. The ceremony was short and simple, but altogether lovely.

2. Tate is sick as a dog, poor thing. I picked him up from school on Friday and he was roasting. I made them take his temperature and it was 104.1 degrees. I was NOT a happy camper. At any rate, he's been sick ever since. We've managed to get the fever under control but the coughing and congestion rage on unabated by much of anything. He's on antibiotics and decongestants and cough suppressants and fever reducers... Nothing seems to make any difference aside from the fever reducers. It's horrible, he's never been this sick and he's never been sick for this long. I hate it. I want to stay home with him and comfort him, but I have to be at work and it just sucks. A lot.

3. I got to go to the Hillsong United worship event last night and it was awesome! What a fantastic time of worship. It was so amazing to see so many young people that fired up for God. Such a blessing to behold, really. And it was REALLY loud too!! Love that.

4. My brother and his wife, Susi, just had their first baby, born this afternoon! His name is Larry Duane Smith III, but they'll call him "Trey" for the III. I thought that was clever and creative and I just love it. Yay!

So that's about it for updates. I'm missing music rehearsal for Sunday right now because Tate was feeling especially awful this evening and fell asleep an hour or so ago. He needs his rest more than he needs me dragging him across town.

I tried to blog the other day (really, I did!), but it wouldn't let me log in. Who knows.

I've got a few things I need to blog out but I'll save them for another post---don't want to be too fragmented.

Did You rise the sun for me? Or paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty? Is Your voice upon the wind? Is everything I know marked with my Maker's fingerprints?

Yeah... He did. And it is. He's so awesome!!

- Jack

So I Went...

2005-03-29T22:39:00.000-05:00

It wasn't great... It wasn't horrible... it was more of a "testing of the waters" if you will. To which I was told that I need to either get in or go home.

Well, she didn't say it like that precisely, but that's basically what she meant. She's right, though. Most of the people she sees are desperate to be there--lives falling apart, marriages crumbling... and with that desperation comes a willingness to open up, to do anything it takes to end the pain or the suffering or the misery, whatever it takes to heal. She's not going to waste my time or hers trying to get me out of the hedges. She can't help me unless I let her, and that requires opening up and actually wanting to be there and wanting to deal with my crap.

So I guess I'm going to... or I'll try anyway.

Her analysis of me? I'm emotionally dead (well, earlier in the session she said "emotionally detached" but by the end, she actually said "emotionally dead"). I loathe anything I perceive to be weakness. And there's a lot of stuff from all my crap/baggage that crops up all the time to affect me in ways that I'm not even aware of. But I can learn to recognize these things, and analyze them... The good ones we'll leave alone, and the bad we'll deal with.

So I went... So I'll go back. But I'm taking a week off before I go back. Hopefully that'll give me some time to settle into the idea of actually doing what is required if I hope to gain anything from this experience. And it'll let me go to the worship night next week with Hillsong United. Very cool.

- Jack

P.S. - She didn't even have a notebook in the room!

Easter

2005-03-27T22:04:00.000-05:00

Yes, we all know it's Easter, so I'll skip the token Easter-related post.

I've been slipping further and further into whatever it is I'm slipping into... Darkness, sadness, helplessness, feeling overwhelmed... or whatever... I suppose the timing is just beautiful, since I have my first session this Tuesday evening. I don't know exactly why, but I felt so incredibly sad today. I mean, not this morning, when the church was gathered and we were celebrating... But ever since I left there this afternoon, I've felt so horribly sad, and in a way numb.

Ugh. I don't even want to talk about it.

Anyway. In other news: There's a tree on my house. Yes, you read that right. There is a downed tree covering approximately 4/5 of my back yard and half my house... it's loverly, I tell ya. I don't think there's much if any damage... But it's a little odd. Though, with the weather we get, it's a wonder it hasn't happened before.

And in other other news: Hillsong United is coming to Orlando! Woo-hoo! I'm there. It's going to be at Calvary Assembly on April 5th. It's a Tuesday, so I'll have to miss my "session"... oh well.

K, I'm gonna go to bed now. I know, it's only 10:30, but I have a massive sleep deficit that I'm trying to make up. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately---so that might explain my mood. Anyhow, ciao peoples.

- Jack

"Are you still alive?"

2005-03-21T23:03:00.000-05:00

Yes.

It's funny, I check my email pretty much at least once a day, often more. But tonight I had over a dozen people asking me questions along the lines of that there title. Made me feel good that people cared but also bad that I hadn't kept up with connecting to other humans. So it was a reminder to reach out again. I'm feeling it again---the isolation, the dark mood, etc...

To answer some other questions that were asked:

No, I haven't started counselling yet. The pastor gave me a card to call and work out a schedule. It's going to take a lot of nerve to make that call... Please pray for that if you think of it.

And yes, I have a new crush (run for your lives!!)... And no, it's not something that would ever work out, so don't worry, I'm not going near it. I actually, in some ways, find it all very amusing... as though I'm watching my emotions/hormones/whatever-it-is as a bystander and chuckling at the absurdity of it all... I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't want a relationship... I really don't. I've been trying to figure out just why exactly, aside from the fact that I don't think it's what God wants for me... I think some of it has to do with the fact that I just don't think I can handle any more work right now... I'm stretched thin as it is. Anyway, that's boring, let's move on.

Tate's doing well and growing like it's his job or something. And Tink... well, she's growing even faster. She is 5 1/2 months old, and weighs 67.2 pounds. The vet told me this weekend that by 9 months, she'll probably hit 100 lbs. She's considered a puppy until she's 18 months old... oh dear. But alas, she has "puppy acne"... that's a real medical term, can you believe it?? I have to go get Vitamin A and Fish Oil for her. Fun.

While Tate doesn't weigh nearly as much as Tink, he is a great deal smarter. Each day I am astounded by all that he learns. He's just like me in that regard--always hungry to know more. We're like little sponges. And physically, he's like both myself and his dad... I guess that's what happens when both your parents are athletes. He's three years old and just yesterday he picked up my younger brother's "razor scooter" for the first time and had it down pat in under 3 minutes. Dad took him to dinner the other night to a japanese steakhouse, and Tate ate with chopsticks. I thought my dad was exaggerating when he said, "he just picked them up like he'd never seen a fork in his life." I saw the pictures tonight and dad was right--I was amazed.

I learned a little myself tonight... My tires were bald, so bad that on one my belts were showing. So dad made me take my truck up to Firestone after work. They were a half hour from closing but they said my tires were so bad that they'd stay late, because they weren't going to let me back on the road in the rain with those tires. It was funny.. But anyway, I got to see how they change tires, and learn what the different machines do. The machine that checks the alignment is soooo cool. And the one that checks the balance is pretty nifty too.

So there. I highly recommend you go have your tires balanced and aligned and all that good stuff. It's entertaining and educational. Ok, I'm done rambling now.

-Jack

Oh Boy...

2005-03-10T23:06:00.000-05:00

... I said yes. It's a long story, and I'll blog it later on when I have more time, but he stuck it to me last night and I agreed to try the counselling.

Oh boy...

The "C" word

2005-03-07T23:02:00.000-05:00

Conjures images of... well, whatever it conjures for you, it's sheer horror for me. Lying back on a cheesy chaise and going on and on about myself, babbling endlessly just to fill the silence because there's someone sitting across from me expecting me to do just that, all the while making little notes about me like "self-involved" and "never shuts up", even though that's what I'm supposed to be doing, right??

Yeah... counselling... (shudder)

So one of my pastors brings up counselling every time I talk to him. And it's the one who will hopefully someday be my boss. He'll be the head pastor at the new church plant we're gearing up for. He wants me to try counselling... (shudder) It drives me nuts on the one hand, because he's just one of those guys that's so real, y'know? I mean, I so completely admire that in him, it's one of the reasons I think he's going to do so well, and why I'm so excited about this church plant--because I want people to be real, and I think it'll happen at the new plant. But anyway... He's one of those people that, when he asks you how you're doing he's looking you straight in the heart, and lying or blowing it off is simply not an option.

I'm a person that has a tendency to hide behind the super sunshiney explosive exterior. I have a natural enthusiasm that, while completely genuine, has a habit of masking anything else about me so that I can hide all the rest of me that isn't quite so happy and zany all the time. He knows that, he's got a real gift for discernment. I told him yesterday that it's really hard to not be real with him. His reply? Typical male cockiness: "Yeah, I know" with a big fat grin. Gotta love him.

So he's finally tiptoed around the subject with me long enough to push me in the pool. He asked me to really think hard about it, and take it to God. And I'm trying to, I really am... But I just have all these mountains of preconceived notions about the whole thing (see opening paragraph). I grew up in a tough, rather old-fashioned, Southern home. I grew up with the idea that counselling is for snivelling babies who can't get their sh*t together, basically. It's for people who are weak. People who can't cope. Poor little rich kids who want someone else to blame.

To an extent, I can obviously see the harshness of such a notion... but to the other extent, soften it up a bit and I believe it's totally true. I mean, look at the history of the early church. They were stoned, beaten, ridiculed, crucified, etc etc etc... and you didn't see them on comfy couches crying their eyes out because daddy wouldn't let them have a dog when they were six which has led to issues with codependence. Right? Who am I to pay someone to listen to me whine about the grave emotional injustices perpetrated on me by little red-headed Luke D. in the 3rd grade?

Ninety dollars a session. That's what it costs to see the counsellor he thinks would be best for me. And he says that if I decide to do it, then don't worry--he'll raise the money. Instantly, my mind flashes to the TWELVE children in Uganda that I could sponsor with what that would cost a month. So I say as much. He brilliantly retorts that the counselling would be temporary---anywhere from a 8 or 12 weeks to a year at most, and that's only if I have some really heavy stuff to work out (little does he know, right? oh wait, you don't know yet either...woops). And he goes on to say that if I want to measure in terms of feeding children, then how many more can God use me to feed if I take the time to heal, and to work through some of these issues that are keeping me from being all He intends for me to be.

Was that not so low??? Ugh... so not fair.

On a side note, is there anyone else out there who thinks like me, with the whole feeding children thing?? Am I just crazy? I actually think about that when considering financial commitments, etc (i.e., "Let's see, I can either sign up for cable, or give two children across the world a chance at life). And sometimes, though admittedly unfairly, I judge others by it (e.g., "Like Britney Spears needs all $52 million--what, she just can't survive on $26 million?? She could save an entire nation!!"). I know it's wrong of me, and I'm working on it, but I just thought I'd take a moment and admit that about myself. Anyhow...

So I'm currently struggling with the "C" word... I'm gonna have to explore this topic more here, I do believe... I have noticed that it helps keep me in check to use the blog as my sounding board, as opposed to my head. That way y'all can keep me in line, since I have a tendency to get off track... Maybe this'll turn out to be therapeutic and then I won't have to go to counselling! That would be really nice. Blogapy... or Therablogging... Counseblog... nah.

I'm not opposed to healing or dealing or whatever... I guess it's just my preconceived ideas about the method... and the flaws I find with the method, all notions aside... I don't know...

I guess I'm just rambling now. I'll shut up.

-Jack

The Big, Cheesy (read: Fake) Hypothetical...

2005-03-03T23:33:00.000-05:00

So I've, um, got this friend... and she has this friend... and she doesn't know what to do about the aforementioned friend...

Ugh. So Jack has hit the mother of all connundrums... For the first time in her life she is both attracted to a guy (yes, here we go again--skip it if you don't want to hear it), AND she really really truly values his friendship, in and of itself, completely independent of the attraction...

This is serious headlining stuff for her. Usually, her attraction creates the motive for friendship (i.e., to get close, get to know, etc)... But now, for the first time ever, the attraction is getting in the way. And I do mean seriously getting in the way.

It's completely aggravating. I've never wanted to flip the switch so bad, because I want this person's friendship. I mean, for pity's sake he's not even that cute... Well, don't get me wrong, he's extremely attractive... ex-treme-ly... but not to the point that I should be quite so ga-ga at the thought of him as I am...

And it's sooo frustrating and conflicting... I mean, I know I don't date anymore. And he knows I don't date. And that knowledge has provided this beautiful impasse that frees us to have a friendship... and that's where it all goes downhill. My stupid hormones get in the way and trip me up with thoughts I have no business having. And I really don't want to have them... which is strange for me...

I know that God is in control. I know that, ultimately, it is God who will decide whether I am to give my life to someone or not... and so for the present I strive to keep myself pure... in word... in deed... in thought...

It seems like for every new depth He takes me too, an equally profound depth of struggle emerges... It seems unfair. But who am I to judge?

-Jack-

Hick-Speak!

2005-03-01T19:30:00.001-05:00

Or... Trucker-speak? Or... whatever. My new favorite word is: Ten-fer. When pronounced properly, it would be Ten-Four, but in hickspeak, it's ten-fer!

Examples of Usage:
"So will you come with me to the party?"
"Ten-fer, sister."

"Hey, is that the new Switchfoot Album?"
"Ten-fer, brother"

I know I'm not a hick. As a matter of fact, I'm rather obsessive about the proper use and pronunciation of every stinkin' word in the dictionary. But it's just so fun to say. Try it sometime... It's addictive. I use it every chance I get. People at work look at me like I've lost my mind. Remember, though, for the proper effect, one must speak it with slightly pinched in cheeks.

Happy Hickspeak!

-Jack-

The Thirst for Knowledge, and the Starvation of the Spirit

2005-02-28T22:29:00.000-05:00

I've been thinkin... (yes, I know, it's dangerous)

We spend so much time acquiring knowledge... I read book after book after book... I'm always asking questions, seeking the truth, probing, dissecting... And I know I'm not alone. While this is good in it's own right, I do believe we've been missing something vital lately.

The revelation of the Holy Spirit. I think sometimes we get caught up in acquiring knowledge and forget that second step that takes what we know from knowledge to wisdom. We forget to meditate... We forget to sit still and meditate on what we've learned and let the Holy Spirit transform us with the Truth.

Maybe that's one of the reasons that, for all our knowledge, we still tend to lead very unwise lives...

Just something I'm chewing on. Thoughts?

-Jack-

whimper

2005-02-28T16:49:00.000-05:00

I am soooo sick. I never get sick. Tate and I are freakishly healthy... But I am soooo sick right now. I'm home from work. I tried to go in this morning, but I only lasted 3 hours before my fever came back and I pretty much got delirious.

I'm gonna go crawl back into bed now...

-Jack-

Despairing.

2005-02-26T01:20:00.000-05:00

In a word, that's how I feel right at the moment... I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of caring. I'm tired of acting tough but having such thin skin... I'm so tired of taking to heart the things people say.

And yet, I don't know how not to. I can do a good job of appearing to shut it all out, but as soon as I'm alone, I'm vulnerable again. Afterall, it's just me and God, and I have no resolve when it's just U/us. I have no walls, no pretense... I'm tired of pretending to be tough, when in reality I'm so weak.

But I don't have the luxury of not being "tough"... I don't get to be weak while someone else looks out for me, because there is no one else. But I've only myself to blame. I'm alone because that's what I wanted, right?

Does anyone else go through this too? Please tell me you do, because I can't tell you how alone I feel right now...

-jack-

New Friends Rule!

2005-02-23T14:51:00.000-05:00

I just made a new friend, but she doesn't know it yet, lol. Hi, Sara!! Sara is my new friend. She commented on my last post, and really feels much like I do right now. I went and checked out her blog, and then I happened to check her profile. Wow!! Talk about kindred spirits, lol. One of her favorite movies is Savannah Smiles!!!! Oh my gosh!!! I didn't think anyone else had ever heard of that movie! And some of her favorite bands are Kutless, Thousand Foot Krutch, etc... I can NOT stop listening to them right now! I have "Phenomenon" on permanent repeat in my head. Hey, Sara, have you listened to the band Falling Up? I'm particularly fond of Ambience and Escalates--both on the same album.

WOW! So, hi Sarah. Welcome to the blog-o-sphere. I hope you don't go anywhere. Just keep bloggin', baby!

Ok, gotta go back to work and save the world. Go check out Sara's blog. She's good people. :-)

God, thank you for showing me Sara. I'm glad You did. I think we both needed it, but You knew that, didn't You? That's just one more thing I love about You. So thanks.

-Jack-

Pop!

2005-02-20T22:45:00.000-05:00

Well I had my bubble burst tonight. Heh. It's so totally God, since it relates a bit to my last post. I had said that I keep my distance from people, I don't let them get close... Truth is, I really believed that no one noticed. I thought I did a good job of making people think they were close to me while keeping my self hidden away from them.

And then God said, "Oh yeah?"

Mitch came by to go over music for wednesday (our first wednesday service is this week, so say a prayer for us if you think about it). We got to talking, and he said that whenever he talks to me he's got the feeling that I've got a lot of walls up, keeping everyone at a distance (or something to that effect). My mouth just sort of fell open in mid-sentence... I sputtered a bit, and admitted that I didn't think anyone noticed, then a moment later I very skillfully (I hope) maneuvered the conversation away from it all.

Well, at least now I know so I can work on being more convincing, right? Heh...

Mitch said something else that caught me off guard. Out of the blue, I'm going through my chord charts to pull out the next song, and he says "Do you feel cared for within the church?" I cocked my head thoughtfully without looking up, and opted for the naked truth.

"No." I replied. "I don't."

I didn't even know that I felt that way. I'd never thought about it before. I didn't know I was supposed to feel "cared for." I was there to care for others, not the other way around, right? But then I guess logically there should be others caring for me then too... It's not that the church has done anything wrong, I just don't think there's much they can do for me. I mean, I'm just so different. I'm not your average 26 year old to begin with, but the majority of my church family is made up of married 30-somethings with 2 kids. I think I just might be too complex for them. It's not easy to deal with a person who has so many addendums to her description. Each one takes me further away from them...

I don't know, it's still too fresh in my mind, I haven't processed it yet. But when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter, does it? Because I'm not there to be cared for, or to be served... I'm there because I love God, and I love His people and His house. I want to serve Him. And so I serve the body.

So anyway... I guess I learned a lot tonight. And now I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams.

-Jack-

Isolated

2005-02-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

It's funny... Ben's latest post is right in line with how I'm feeling... yet again. I posted a while back about feeling lonely and cut off... That I just want to feel alive, I want to feel like I matter, I just want to exist to someone outside myself. I know it's completely irrational, of course I exist, of course I matter, blah blah... But do I really?

I mean... do I really truly matter? No one but Tate relies on me for anything, really... No one but Tate needs me... No one but Tate wants me (obviously I can't substantiate that one, but I'm going with how I feel, so let it slide)... I feel inconsequential, and so utterly alone... I feel like I'm not there. I'm cut off from the world and there's no one to notice or care or come find me and bring me back...

I know that I isolate myself. I don't mean to, really... I just never get too close to anyone. I want to, I really do. I just don't know how.

So that's where my thoughts are currently on this Thursday afternoon. Now I'm going to go back to work and save the world.

-Jack-

eeeeek!!

2005-02-15T22:45:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching the movie Saw... it was soooooo scary. I watched The Grudge like a week ago or so, and it was scary but utterly disappointing in the end... but this... oooooh, good movie.

My grandmother got me hooked on scary movies when I was a kid, so I like them. I know, it's weird, but hey what can I say? I forget who, but someone asked me recently if I like scary movies... I do, but not when I'm alone. I can't handle them when I'm alone. M and L and I have apparently found a shared love for scary movies (plus they have KILLER surround sound, so everything is extra-scary). And in case you were wondering, things are cool with us. Actually, L and I had a nice conversation about church tonight. I think she may actually come visit my church sometime. She's really been burned by her concept of church in the past, so it's a big step.

For those of you who are wondering (and I know you do, because I read my emails), I am still struggling with my little crushes... The Buddhist one is pretty much over and done with, though I do still see him and speak with him (he even took Tate and I out to dinner Thursday night to cheer me up, which was very nice). I've got a full-on crush for someone else now... It's been simmering for a while now, and is starting to really heat up, but at the same time die down... I don't know, it's weird.

I think, subconsciously, I'm purposely choosing guys that I know I can't have... In some ways, that's obviously agonizing, but in other ways it's really really really good. Because I know I can't have them, y'know? It kinda keeps me safe. So at least I'm not getting myself into trouble with them... But now I just have to work on the attractions themselves, namely not having them. It's a step in the right direction, at least...

Ok... can I just stop and say that I disgust myself? I'm boy-crazy... Me, 26 year old single mom... I'm like 13 year old boy crazy... this is horrid. This is so pathetic and immature... what on earth is going on?

I'm pretty sure I'm under attack... I decide to do away with men and dating and all the drama, and what happens? The enemy starts parading a bunch of pretty men in front of me and my eyes pop out of my head. This is just lovely. Poetic irony, I suppose... Well, no matter. I'm still done with them until God informs me otherwise.

Ok, I'm so tired I can't see straight, and I doubt I'm even making sense with how fuzzy my brain feels.

Have a great day, kids. I'm going to bed.

-Jack-

Surviving...

2005-02-13T22:44:00.000-05:00

I made it through the weekend, but not very comfortably. So I'm all about honesty, right? Yeah, sometimes I hate that. But here goes:

I drank my way through the weekend... well, at night anyway. Friday and Saturday, as soon as Tate went down, the screwdrivers came out. It may not have been the best way to deal with it, but I think I was just tired of dealing with it. I was a complete wreck on Friday. I probably had to run off to the bathroom at work at least 2 dozen times because I couldn't stop crying.

I feel like such a basketcase. I hate being emotional.

At any rate... I took this weekend off from my church. I was actually going to be driving to Montgomery, AL (where I was born, where mom is buried). But Tate still has a nasty cough and I didn't want to drag him around in a car for 18 hours in one weekend, so I cancelled the trip at the last minute. I'll go sometime in the next month or two when he's more up to par.

So anyway, I visited another church here today. It's called Northland. I've been once before, it's a great church, large, a lot of people I know go there. But I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt today that Northland is not for me. I really really liked the Senior Pastor. He was a straight-shooter kinda guy, good charisma, down to earth, great speaker. And real heart, y'know? But... there was just something about everything else but him that my spirit just said "No, thanks... not for me" to. I mean, it's not like I'm looking for another church, I just thought I'd like Northland more.

Honestly, it just felt very performed. We sang two songs as a congregation, and on one of them the key was not exactly optimal... and there were two other songs that were performed... I just... I don't know, I guess I feel like you should be able to engage more... but I guess it's hard to be that way with such a large congregation, too. Another thing I noticed was a distinct lack of passion or excitement of any kind... I remember thinking, when the worship leader was speaking at one point, that he sounds like he's giving a speech at a political banquet or something. They did announce, though, that this service (and subsequent ones during the next month or so) would be different. I don't know. It's a really great church, I know it is... it's just not for me.

I think God set it up that way, though. The message was basically on church, what it's supposed to be, community, connecting, etc. etc. He didn't get real specific in this message---I think he will in later ones. But it brought to mind and was right in line with a lot of what Paul Scanlan talked about at Hillsong Conference... about being planted in the House... the Northland pastor, though, focused more on this being it, the church. This is God's Kingdom on earth. Stop looking elsewhere for other answers. Stop having a "religious" side to your life and a "secular" side, etc etc.

So anyway. I think overall it was very good that I went... Reinforced some things. I just... I want believers to be raw and real... I want to see in my brothers and sisters a passion for God and His house, an excitement in them to be in that house together... Honesty and openness, no walls, no facades... I hope that's what we're building at Common Ground.

At any rate, now that you're thoroughly bored, I'll shut up. Though I will start posting again more frequently now. I really have missed the blogosphere :-)

Be real.

-Jack-

One Year...

2005-02-08T22:42:00.000-05:00

This friday marks one year... I'm not doin' so hot.

-Jack

Rough

2005-02-03T19:10:00.000-05:00

Last couple of days have been rough for me... Not real sure why. I think there's just a lot hanging over my head right now, and rather than residing in the peace God provides, I'm wandering off and worrying about it all.

What I hate most about feeling this way, though, is not "feeling this way". It's the way I treat others when I feel this way:

Tink seems to have hit a snag with her house-training, and has had 4 accidents in the last 2 days... It shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I know I've been too hard on her about it.

Tate starts whining the tiniest bit and I snap at him. He tries to ask me a question and I get frustrated and tell him to go play.

The IT guy at work today had to stay late for some server maintenance. I had the nerve to hold him up by working late, and then had enough nerve left over to be rude to him about it. All he wanted to do was get home after an 11 hour day...

I hate this... I almost wish I at least wasn't aware of it so it wouldn't make me feel so rotten. But I know that we have to be aware of how we miss the mark before we can make the necessary corrections. God is showing me how I'm falling short... It just really really sucks that I put other people through my crap. It's not fair to them, and I can't imagine that it necessarily endears me to them...

I wonder if it's time I went to see a doctor... Might help if I got back on Zoloft for a bit again. I was on it before, just before I had Tate. My doctor considered me "high-risk" for post-partum depression... I didn't notice any difference in my mood until one day I looked back and realized I hadn't cried once in two weeks. I didn't have any problems going off of it either... I just ran out after a while and forgot to get the refill... no looking back. But now I wonder if I shouldn't see about getting back on it for a few months, see if it helps.

Ok, I'm rambling again. Talk atcha later...

-Jack

And we're back...

2005-01-31T22:22:00.000-05:00

Hey kids! Didja miss me? Well, I missed you too. Things have been normal (read: hectic), life is going... well, like life, I suppose. Tate is getting bigger by the day but not quite as rapidly as my horse... er, I mean, dog. Tinkerbell just turned 4 months old, and she has officially hit the 50 lb mark.

I just think that's so awesome. hehehe I love big dogs.

At any rate. My biggest struggle right now is drama on the worship team. First, a little context:

We (the church) 've just gotten a new facility. It's great, love it. We're going to be able to start having a mid-week service. To start, we'll do it twice a month. I was asked to head up a new worship team, in an experimental sort of way. Experimental in that we're going to build it completely differently than we did the Sunday team. We're going to try new things, a new formula if you will... Starting with a solid foundation, core principles and vision, structure, etc. These are things we lacked in building the Sunday team. A lot of the struggles we've faced with the Sunday team have been no one's fault in particular, persay. The enemy has just always gone into overdrive on us in that area of ministry. It's been a real struggle, and continues to be. But it's all worth it if we glorify God.

So at any rate, that's the idea for the Wednesday night experiment, basically. Obviously the worship style will be somewhat different. The goal of the midweek service is to go deeper... in teaching, in worship, in connecting, etc etc. We are a "seeker" oriented church in many regards, and the midweek service is meant to take you from the "taste-test" or "appetizer" of Sunday morning, into the more banquet-like Wednesday night, as it pertains to connecting with God and others on a deeper, more fundamental level.

I believe that we (pastor, elder over music, and me) made a mistake in not being more open and up front during the "brainstorming" process, I think, with the rest of the people involved in the worship ministry of our church. An elementary game of telephone occurred and hurt some feelings... very deeply. There were many factors, and many people at fault---myself one of them. By the time it traveled 'round the circle, the vision for Wednesday was completely distorted and covered with vomit, to put it graphically.

So now we're trying to repair the damage, that we might heal the relationships and honor God. I don't know how it's going to turn out. I gave up trying to coerce it in this round. Whatever God does, He does. I doubted that I should continue on in the role I was asked to take for Wednesday nights, but apparently I'm still needed there... for the moment. I'm not holding on to any of it.

Though, for a moment there, I can't tell you how close I was to walking away from my church family. It was pretty scary. Especially since God has really had me focused a lot on the notion of "planting yourself in the house", as opposed to being potted in a ministry or place, or not rooted at all. I'll go into the details of that later, for those to whom that makes no sense.

So anyway... here I am. I'd love to hear what's happening with all of you. It'll take me some time to catch up on all your blogs. I've missed ya. :-)

Ok, I'm out for tonight. I've rambled on long enough. Do me a favor, though, would you? Please be in prayer for us. For all the hurt and struggle that has been exposed, there's even more that has yet to be. Others don't realize that, but I know it. We've got a long way to go, and we'll do what we have to to get there... Just pray for the strength, and focus to keep going... and for the courage it will take to let God have His way with us.

Thanks...

-Jack

On Hold

2005-01-12T14:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, it's official. I'm so far behind on blogging it's not even funny. I have had exactly zero opportunities to hop online and blog since my last entry until now. And even now I have about a minute and a half. I'm going to have to put this puppy on hold until I get internet access at my house. Hopefully that will be in the next week or so. I'm just never over at my dad's for more than a few minutes now, since we got the pup. She's already alone all day while I'm at work, so we spend the evenings at home now instead of over here.

Soooo... I'm pausing my posting until I get hooked up at home. I did finally get my hard drive reformatted, and I finished building my desk and it's all set up. I just have to call the cable guys to come out and hook me up (still don't have a phone line, and if I get one it'll be Vodaphone or something similar). So anyway... I'm sorry. I do have tons to blog about, but I just don't have the means to get it up here. Love you guys.

Keep loving Him.

-Jack

Ages

2005-01-01T13:26:00.000-05:00

It's been ages!! Sheesh! Sorry I've been so nonexistent lately. How is everyone? Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year's. Christmas was a little tough, but I sucked it up :-) Mom got to celebrate His birthday with Him this year.

At any rate, I don't even know what to talk about. Updates usually work, though, right? Ok. Let's see. I have yet another new crush. I'm so over these things--completely sick of them. Got my nails done yesterday with my older sister and Dad's fiance. Got "white tips" this time, when normally I just get a full set with french manicure---LOVE them, since I can't chip the paint (since there's no paint to chip). Contemplating whacking all my hair off again and going blonde (I'll have to put up a pic sometime of how my hair used to be...). Tate made out like a bandit for Christmas (I'm so conflicted about all this right now though, so I'll just leave it at that). Tinkerbell is fabulous. Family's great, friends are great, etc etc

Heh... I don't know. Got a lot going through my head, I guess. Anyway, I'll get better about blogging, I promise. I'm gonna go play with Tate now.

Oh, and I'm reading a book by Randy Alcorn called Heaven. So far it's great---I'm really excited to read it, it's a comprehensive look at what the Bible actually tells us about Heaven and the New Earth and all. It's really good. Ok, gonna run.

-Jack

Way Behind

2004-12-23T09:14:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. As for the previous post, I think y'all are right, sort of a situation requiring application of both lessons.

This has got to be quick, since I'm at work, but I'll give you an update:
I got a puppy!! It's my dream breed, and it's a dream come true, I never thought I'd be able to afford one. Sam and Debbie helped us get her, she's GORGEOUS. She's an English Mastiff, fawn color, and her name is Tinkerbell. She's 12 weeks old and weighs 33 lbs!! I can't wait til she's huge. She'll be around 160-180 lbs full grown.

Ok, more later, gotta run!

For unto us a child is born... the Savior, who is Christ the Lord.

-Jack

Now that I'm cooled off...

2004-12-14T19:12:00.000-05:00

Ok, now that I've had a chance to chill out a bit, I'd like to ask y'all's opinion. I want to know if this situation that I've described below is a: a) don't throw your pearls to the swine sort of situation or a b) turn the other cheek sort of situation.

I'm just not sure how to proceed at this point. Should I continue to do for her as I did before, showing her love and compassion, helping her when she needs it, loving her in spite of it all, so to speak? Or should I count my losses, cut my ties, and move on, no longer throwing my "pearls" to someone who will only trample them and then turn around and tear me to pieces?

I've considered both, and I know I can do either one, I'm just not sure which I should do... So while I'm praying on that, if y'all have any ideas on it, let me know... Thanks for listening.

-Jack-

Spittin' Mad

2004-12-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

As my grandma use to say, anyhow... Can I just tell you that I have come to abhor drama. I despise it. I'm so incredibly sick of it. Are we, or are we not, adults? See, because I thought we were. My bad, apparently.

I have this friend... or at least, that's what I considered her. It's L, the one who got upset that I called her husband's cellphone. At any rate, I've always gone out of my way for her, to be a good friend, to help her, to be there for her. I've physically gotten between her and her not-so-nice husband at least half a dozen times when he's gotten angry with her in my presence and raised his hand to her, I watch her kids at least every other weekend (usually for free but sometimes they'll offer to pay, which is nice), when we go shopping together, I'll buy her things that I know she wants but that her husband won't let her spend the money on, I've given her a number of items that they had need for...

I mean, I know that doesn't necessarily classify me as a good friend, but it's just an example of the kind of friend I am. I'm a people-pleaser, I need people to like me, to want to be around me (I know, I know---I'm sick. Whatever...). At any rate, I've never been confrontational with her, I've never been pushy or tried to get my way in things, etc etc etc.

So yeah... I just learned the kind of person she really is. And I now have, unequivocally, her official opinion of me. She, apparently, has been telling people that I'm sleeping with the Buddhist. She is actually telling people this. I'm. Really. Ticked.

The person in the other half of the duplex I live in is a bit of a "burnout"/didn't make much of himself/smoked too much pot in his youth/doesn't have many friends kinda guy. He's always been nice to me, I've been nice to him, I make it a point to be friendly and have conversations with him whenever I see him, etc. Well, that night that the Buddhist and I sat on my front porch talking til the wee hours of the morning, my neighbor came out at the butt-crack of dawn and saw us sitting there talking. Apparently the next day, he told M and L that we were having sex all night long.... L called me up, asked me about it, I told her no stinkin way, I told her exactly what happened.... Well, apparently she takes my crazy neighbor's word over mine... Obviously his is more juicy, so let's just go with that... nevermind whose reputation we're screwing with, or whose lives we could be wrecking. It's more exciting to think that good little Jack was screwing on her front porch at 4am. Truth be damned!!

This was WEEKS ago, people. This front-porch stuff was WEEKS ago. Well, this past Saturday night, while I'm once more babysitting her kids for her, she tells a friend of hers that Jack and the Buddhist are sleeping together. And then her friend, out of concern, of course, calls up the Buddhist's live-in and tells her... And now this whole ridiculous circle is all in an uproar.

I am so done with people. I'm not just done with guys, I'm done with girls too. I'm done with "friendships" and really trying. I'm done with reaching out to people and trying to make a difference for them, trying to help, trying to be there for them. It just isn't worth it. I'll invest only what is necessary---but I will no longer invest myself, my heart, my feelings. This is so ridiculously immature it makes me want to vomit.

I'll ask again: are we, or are we not, adults??

Ugh. Ok, thanks for letting me vent. I gotta go back to work now.

Question #3

2004-12-13T14:21:00.000-05:00

3) Romans 3:23 says "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life..." Since Jesus was allegedly a deity, and therefore immortal, the only death he could possibly experience was physical. So, if the death that Paul was referring to in the above verse was physical, then we all eventually pay for our own sins when we die, and therefore we should all go to heaven; but if the death he was referring to was the death of the soul, then Jesus never paid that price and we're all going to hell to do it for him. In what sense did Jesus die that is in any way different from the way we all die?

My first thoughts include that the "death" he is referring to is "separation from God". Jesus was separated from God. But again, we have to come back to no remission of sin without the shedding of blood.

Ok, let's hear it! Thanks, guys, this is awesome. I love all the discussion.

-Jack-

Question #2

2004-12-09T19:42:00.000-05:00

Ok, folks, here's the second question in the email:

2) Did Jesus die or not?
DeathPronunciation: 'deth
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English deeth, from Old English dEath; akin to Old Norse
dauthi death, deyja to die -- more at DIE
Date: before 12th century
1 : a permanent cessation of all vital functions : the end of life -- compare BRAIN DEATH
2 : the cause or occasion of loss of life
3 capitalized : the destroyer of life represented usually as a skeleton with a scythe
4 : the state of being dead
5 a : the passing or destruction of something inanimate b : EXTINCTION6 : CIVIL DEATH7 : SLAUGHTER8 Christian Science : the lie of life in matter : that which is unreal and untrue : ILLUSIONfrom Webster online
In the English language, to die means to "permanently cease" to be alive. If Jesus died, then he's not alive. If he is alive, then he didn't die.
Which is it?
Did Jesus die or not?

I have my own thoughts on this, graciously supplied by the Holy Spirit, right after He gave me the two definitions of sacrifice epiphany. It starts, basically, with the fact that his definition for death that his whole argument rests on is a noun. Jesus never became the permanent cessation of all vital function. Jesus died. The definition of "die" is to pass from physical life (see: Merriam-Webster). Ok, have at it, folks. Sound off!!

Undecided...

2004-12-06T15:07:00.000-05:00

Well, I was going to tell you all about the completely surreal occurrences of Saturday night, but then I got an interesting email. So I can't really decide what to write about: 1) the ongoing saga starring myself and hot guy from poker night, or 2) intriguing email.

How about a I just give the overview of the ongoing saga and then we'll dive into the email:

Call #1, approximately 11:00pm, he's in New York, I'm babysitting at M and L's: He has broken things off with his "girlfriend" for good, he's sick of the drama, is sick of the games, is taking my stance on relationships and wants nothing to do with one, no more girlfriends, blah blah blah. I'm happy for him, sorry things didn't work out, etc etc.

Call #2, approximately 3:00am, he's in New York, I'm just home from babysitting: He's been walking around New York, thinking, and just finished an hour long conversation with a random old man in his hotel lobby... and he's pretty sure he's in love with me... I'm like wha??? I thought you just said you didn't want a girlfriend, women were all mental patients, blah blah... He maintains they still are, but that he's found one he can deal with, and wants to deal with, and that just happens to be me...

Yeah, chew on that. Can we say "drama"? Can we say "rebound"? Though admittedly this is the quickest case I've ever heard of, let alone been the victim of. Sure I'm attracted to the guy but wow... this is way out of left field. Anyway. So there's that.

Now on to the email: Remember pizza dude way back when that asked me out? Well, he turned out to be a dyed in the wool athiest (claims to have once been a die-hard Christian), and we've emailed a few times, but I have a bad habit of not keeping up with my emails. At any rate, I haven't heard from him in a while and wasn't expecting to. Then just now, I got an email from him. He sent it to "all my Christian friends". I think God's doing some work in him because the tone of the email is very confrontational, and basically, he's demanding some answers to questions that I believe he has designed to be unanswerable, in his opinion. I think God has put some people in his life and they are pushing some buttons for him, and this is his reaction... to ask questions that he doesn't think we can answer. I'm going to put the first part of the email in here so you see his qualifications for answers, and then I'll post the first question. It's my intent to have you guys help me provide him with solid answers.

Ready to have a go?

Title: Tough Questions for Bible Believers

To all of my christian friends outh there.... Just a few questions.First.Telling me that the ways of God are many and mysterious is not a valid answer. By telling me that all you are doing is conceding that what your Bible tells you is so ridiculous you can't even come up with some semblance of an explanation. Submitting a reply that does not answer the question(s), or one that answers a question other than the one asked will not be taken seriously, although they will provide comedy relief. Answering the question with a question won't fly either.

1) John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." It is a recurring theme in the New Testament that Jesus died for the sins of humanity, and it is the foundation of Christianity that Jesus paid for the sins of the world by making the ultimate sacrifice - death.The question is: How is it a sacrifice for one to die knowing that he or she will be alive again in a few days? If the necessary sacrifice was for Jesus to die, but Jesus isn't dead, then the necessary sacrifice hasn't been made. Often times Christians attempt to answer this by alluding to the fact that Jesus suffered greatly, but that isn't the point at all. The necessary sacrifice was his death... but Christians don't believe he is dead!

WARNING: his next question debates whether Jesus died or not, hinging on the english definition of death, that being: death is "a permanent cessation of all vital functions", according to him (I haven't checked the definition myself yet).

So there you go. Please help me with this, I'd love to be able to give him some real, honest, and Biblical answers--God is the answer, and I want to show him that. Thanks!

-Jack-

Now THAT is sovereignty...

2004-12-04T17:45:00.000-05:00

I'm a screw-up. I know it, you know it, God knows it... even this blog knows it. Yeah... I screwed up yesterday.

Hot guy from poker night was heading for New York for the weekend, and wanted to meet me for lunch and give Tate and I a Christmas present before he had to head for the airport. I think I was a little taken aback at the notion of a gift for us, and I let that be my excuse in a way. I know I should have said no. I don't know why I didn't. But obviously, I didn't.

What is wrong with me???? AAAARRRRGGGHHH.

And you know, stupid me... For some reason my brain actually thought that I could get away with it. And then God said: "Oh really?"

And then He locked my keys in my house. Oh, I know that it was my physical body that perpetrated the act. But God totally had that planned just to show me that I may be able to slip things past others, or pretend that it's no big thing, but there's no putting anything past Him.

And so I trudged a mile to my dad's house only to find his front door locked. And so I climbed his privacy fence (in heels) to get in the back door, at which point I got the spare truck key (because there is no spare house key, that would have just been too easy)... And so I walked a mile back to my house, got in my truck and went back to work exhausted. And so I came home at the end of the day, gave my son to my dad to keep (since it was freezing outside), and sat in my driveway waiting for a locksmith. And so I waited some more... and some more... and then I froze (as I was sleeveless)... and I waited a little bit more, and then the locksmith arrived (huzzah!).

And then it took him thirty stinkin' minutes to open my door (he wasn't very happy with my lock). And then I went to pay him. And he doesn't take credit cards (I'm sorry, wha?? Is this not America in the 21st century? I'm baffled). Well, ok, I recently found my 2 year old checkbook (out of which have come a whopping 4 checks since it's birth). He's sorry, he doesn't take checks. Well, I don't really "do" cash... But! After 15 minutes of digging in sofa cushions and pants pockets and wallets and day planners and briefcases, I manage to come up with $48. Not too shabby. But, I'm still $7 short of his fee. Well, then, good merry locksmith, follow me to the gas station at the corner where I'll use the ATM and secure your seven dollars.

The gas station has no ATM.

Have I mistakenly stepped into a time warp? Perhaps a new dimension? A serviceman won't take credit cards and the gas station has no ATM. Where am I???

The locksmith is apparently smitten with me, by the look on his face. Or perhaps he's just tickled by the look of absolute shock on mine as I face the clerk at the Cumberland Farms, completely baffled at what I'm hearing issue from his lips...

I turn, still trying to wrap my mind around what I've just been told, and ask if he'd like to follow me to the bank. And so he chuckles, and tells me, "You've had quite enough to worry about for one night, pretty girl. Forty-eight will do just fine..." And with that, he tips his hat with a gentleman's smile, steps into his truck, and drives away.

So then my mind was trying to wrap itself around that too.

Even when God is reminding you of just Who the boss is, He still loves you, and shows you kindness... He used this opportunity to remind me of two peripheral lessons: 1) That He works in ways that I can't understand or explain and 2) that apart from grace, all that I am is still not sufficient.

Man I love that Guy...

-Jack-

Speechless...

2004-12-01T14:18:00.000-05:00

Teddy's mom just died... Just... out of the blue... Teddy is my little sister's boyfriend. He's a great guy, our family is crazy about him. Rach just called me... she died like an hour ago. We don't even know how or why yet. Today is her birthday. Teddy and Rachael were going to Tampa this afternoon to pick her up from her mom's where she was visiting for Thanksgiving...

They just talked to her this morning. She wasn't feeling well. She was throwing up a lot... but... She's dead?? I can't even wrap my mind around it. Teddy just bought her a diamond ring for her birthday, he was so excited about it. He was going to give it to her tonight.

She's just... dead. I don't understand... Rachael and Teddy are both a wreck right now. Please, please pray for them. Teddy's dad died two years ago and his mom has been in fairly poor health ever since. She did have a thyroid problem, and they just started her on a new treatment... But... dead? I'm sorry, my head is just spinning right now.

Please pray for them.

-Jack-

Happy Turkey Day

2004-11-27T09:30:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Ours was a challenge for various reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm thankful. Even for the trials.

Dad is up in Ohio with his girlfriend, and with my brother and sister-in-law. I got to dump off all my baby stuff on them, since they'll be having a boy this spring. I'm reeeeaaaally thankful for that, heh.

My older sister came down on Wednesday, and was going to be staying through the weekend, but she had to leave unexpectedly when her father-in-law passed away early Thanksgiving morning. We knew he didn't have long, but we thought he had a few more weeks. He had cancer too. Please be in prayer for my sister and her husband and his family.

My mom's dad ("Papa") apparently came down with pneumonia recently and was hospitalized (but apparently they forgot to tell me). He was released on Wednesday or Thursday, so that's good. Papa turned 80 recently. Tate and I need to go visit him more often. He lives in Birmingham with my mom's brother and his family.

So there are my updates. I have a lot of cleaning to do over here at Dad's house. It's kinda trashed what with the rushed exit of my older sister and her daughter (oh, and my younger sister went with them to help watch my neice). So I'm here at dad's looking out for my little brother for the weekend. I miss my bed, lol. I think Tate misses his too. At any rate, I need to get the house cleaned up before dad gets home tomorrow.

I got a chance to have my nails done yesterday. That was really really nice. It's one of those things I just love to do every once in a while. Reminds me I'm a woman and not a machine. Of course, the first thing I did was screw up the paint on 3 of them, but hey... what do I expect? heh... I got a full set with french manicure. It looks really pretty. And I got the little white palm tree on my left pinky for my mom. We girls in the family promised to always do that anytime we got our nails done, in honor of my mom. White palm tree, left pinky.

I miss my mom...

-Jack-

Out Of Control

2004-11-24T22:20:00.001-05:00

It's no secret I often feel that way... Like my life is some movie and I'm just watching it, powerless to do anything about it.

It's almost how I feel now... But for the moment, the final cut in this scene hasn't been taken. I feel like I have a chance at effecting something here. Like, I can't control what happens if I allow the scene to be spliced in, but I can decide whether it will be or not.

I'm probably not making any sense...

I know I've talked about things before seeming like a battle within me, but this is a whole new level... This is a level of war that I've not experienced, that I didn't even think possible... I don't understand why it's so strong this time. I just can't seem to get a grip on it right now. That scares me. That really really scares me. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of something. No, it's worse than that... more precarious than that... An edge implies there's merely a step back and you're safe. This is more like I'm on a pencil thin beam in the dead of night and the fog has just rolled in... There's no "safe" place anywhere close... I just have to keep going in the right direction for the simple fact that it is the right direction. There's no light up ahead, no glimmer of hope, there's no reward at the finish line--heck, there's no finish line period.

So this is what it's like...

I don't want to go through this... I know it'll make me stronger if I can just get through it, but I don't know if I can.

God, I HATE this. I HATE this part of me. I hate myself, I hate my feelings, I hate my HUMAN-ness. Please... Please take this away, I don't know how to do this, I'm afraid I can't do this. I don't want to fail You, God. Please don't let me screw up again. Please...

-Jack-

The "D" Word

2004-11-22T14:49:00.000-05:00

So yeah... I'm divorced. It's a big ugly wart on my past. An even bigger, uglier one if you know the highlights. So I'm going to give you the highlights, just so we're clear on the ugly...

I met James when I was 15. He was my brother's best friend. We started dating when I was 16, went off to college together when I was 18, got married when I was 20, separated at 21, and divorced at 23. Why the almost-two-years between separation and divorce? Well... we split up around our one year anniversary. The reason I didn't file for divorce shortly afterward was because I didn't have money for the attorney's fees, etc etc... and there was no rush. We were living in different states, blah blah... we basically ceased to exist to each other. I'll go into the details of that some other time... it was all very stupid.

At any rate... a few months after we separated, I met Jason... Tate's father... At this point in my life, you might call me saved, but I certainly wasn't living for God. I was worlds away from where I am now, spiritually... I moved in with Jason after a bit (not a long bit, either). And then I got pregnant... (I'll let you guess how).

Needless to say, one of the first things I did when I found out was file for divorce... The divorce papers ask if you are pregnant... Being the convicted sort of gal I was, I couldn't bring myself to lie on the paperwork. I mean, what if there was a snag and a hearing and I had to appear before a judge with a huge belly, all the while the paperwork proclaiming my unpregnantness is sitting right under his nose? So I told the truth and answered yes (where were these moral convictions when I separated from my husband?? Or when I moved in with someone?? Yeah... I don't know either).

Well, little did I know that in the state of Ohio, you cannot get a divorce if you are pregnant. Isn't that lovely? They make you wait until you've had the baby. Greeeeaaaat. So my divorce was not finalized until Tate was 4 months old. So I was married to James when I had Jason's child.

Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to shield Tate from it... I don't want him to ever have to know that... I don't know. Hopefully it'll never come up.

So there's some more ugly for you. Yet another layer of scum on the shower-curtain of my life. See, it doesn't quite paint an honest picture if I just say I'm a divorced single mom, eh? Ugh. I do some of the stupidest stuff.

I gotta get back to work. Learn from my mistakes -- Listen to the Holy Spirit.

-Jack-

Just Curious

2004-11-18T14:27:00.000-05:00

Have I ever talked about my divorce here? I mean, just the circumstances and what I've learned and where I'm at and all? Just curious... It's been on my mind lately, and I thought about blogging it... and then it occurred to me that I don't think I've ever talked about it here before...

At any rate. I have zero time and have to run, but hopefully this weekend I can knock out a post or two.

-Jack-

Nudged Into The Not-Good

2004-11-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

I'm in a place, a not-good place. I'm still on the edge of it, so I'm hoping that I can cross back over in time before I get stuck here...

There's been a lot going on with regards to my church family lately. A lot of struggles, some serious spiritual battles that I think most of the body is not even aware of. The Holy Spirit has revealed heaps and heaps to me, and long story short: I've been to afraid to speak up about it. And I've put it off for so long that I'm venturing into that heart-place of not caring anymore, and wanting to shut it all out---not the Holy Spirit, but rather my church. I don't want to do things I'm asked to do or participate in things, etc. I know the way out... but I'm afraid. One good thing about this not-good place, though, is that the not caring may actually help me to do what God has called me out to do, because caring about what they think is where the fear is coming from.

I need to just suck it up and obey my God. That's the bottom line. That's all that matters. Obedience to God. Who cares if I'm asked never to come back? I serve God, first and foremost. And I know exactly what He wants me to do. He's made it very clear. A little of my fear though is straight from the Enemy, trying to make me second guess the Holy Spirit, whispering things like "maybe you're wrong, maybe that's not what He wants... how can you be sure?" Seeds of doubt... No way, Satan.

At any rate, I'm just thinking out loud. I just want to obey God. So if you're trying to come up with something to pray about (heh...), I could always use some strength, resolve...

More later... Gotta run.

-Jack-

Sorry! (and updates)

2004-11-12T19:02:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry it's been so long. Things are just hectic. Usually I count on my lunch hour to come home and blog a bit, but I've had to split my one hour into two half hours in which I go up to Tate's daycare and give him his medicine. I haven't had any time at all. Next week, he should be much better and not need the meds anymore.

Thanks again, guys, for all the prayers and support.

Tate and I will be participating in the MS Walk tomorrow evening out at UCF. My boss has MS, and it's one of the disease states that I manage at work, so we're getting involved. I only raised about $250 though. I'd hoped to get more, but it was really difficult to find time to get out and get pledges with Tate recovering and all. But anyway.

I've been running on fumes the last week or so. Y'know that feeling when you've been up for like 24 or 36 hours and you feel all lightheaded and foggy? Yeah, that's me. Tooootally.

Oh, and that guy I talked about before? He wasn't there on Friday (no, I didn't neglect my recovering child on a friday night for my own pleasure---the poker game is at the house next door). But something very interesting did happen. We were just sitting around talking (they were drinking and talking, but hey). All of the sudden L blurted out a question along the lines of "why are you calling my husband all the time??" I'm like "WHA????" She was talking to me!! It was all sort of surreal, but basically, the alcohol loosened her tongue to the point where she had the nerve to ask something that had obviously begun to bug her of late. I was truly shocked that she thought this about me. I'm one of those people that is just ridiculously formal about things like that. People tease me and tell me I have these rule and etiquette books in my head. I have NEVER tried M's (her husband's) phone until I have tried hers. EVER. So I'll try her cell. Then I'll try her again usually. Then if I still don't get them, I'll call his. If no one answers, I go back to calling hers and that's the one I try until I get ahold of them. (yes, we have very bad signals, lol.)

At any rate, she apologized for being so brash about it, but admitted that she really did feel that way. So I deleted her husband's phone number from my phone while she watched. She promised me that she felt that way about everyone, and I know she does, but I thought that I was different, that she could relax around me. I knew about her insecurities, I know what caused it (an affair 2 years ago between her husband and her best friend). I was always extra careful, on purpose, because I wanted her to have someone that she could trust, that she didn't have to be worried about...

Apparently I failed. It's still eating at me... So if you think of it, pray for L. She needs strength... comfort... security.

So yeah... that's what's been happening. As far as my own personal state right now, I'm just tired... and I've been asking God for patience lately. I'm too easily riled up right now, and not in a good way. I'm quick to anger, and I don't like it. But I'm learning to ask not that things go my way, not even that I be "ok" with how things go, necessarily... But rather that my actions, no matter how I feel, would be Christlike. Like, for instance, if Tate wakes up fussing for the 10th time and I'm at my wits end, I want to be kind to him instead of angry. But I've stopped asking God to make him sleep through the night, etc... I've stopped asking that things go easy for me. I don't want things to go easy right now, because I know that God is working in my life to build my character and teach me lessons. So I've stopped asking Him to remove the stress... instead I'm asking Him to help me through it, help me learn and grow, help me to have patience and be slow to anger.

Ok, I'll shut up now... Sorry this was so random and boring.

Love Him... LOTS!

-Jack-

Two Minutes

2004-11-05T18:45:00.000-05:00

I have exactly two minutes, sorry. Tate's surgery went off without a hitch, thank you so much for all your prayers. He's recovering as expected, but he's anxious to get back out into the world. All is well, unless the pain meds wear off and then he freaks out because his throat hurts, but the crying only aggravates it, etc etc. But for the most part he's doing really well, he's been a real trooper.

I should be back in full force some time next week. Thanks again, gang. God bless!

-Jack-

Here We Go...

2004-11-01T14:57:00.000-05:00

Tate's surgery is scheduled for 8:15am Eastern tomorrow, November 2nd, 2004. Election Day. The day before his 3rd birthday.

I'm nervous.

Nothing to eat after midnight, nothing to drink after 3am. Be at the hospital at 6:15am. But they neglected to tell me what I'm supposed to tell my almost-3-year-old. Basically, I've just mentioned casually that he'll be seeing a doctor. If I told him anything beyond that, he'd completely flip out. So we'll just take it as it comes. On the way, I'm going to tell him that we're going to see a special doctor, and that while he takes a nap, the doctor is going to fix his nose and throat so that he can breathe better, and that when he wakes up he'll be sore for a little while but that he'll get to eat lots of ice cream and popsicles.

...I'm nervous.

So anyhow. Things seem chaotic as usual. I took Tate out around the block last night to steal candy from neighbors. He was Bob the Builder. He looked soooooooo cute. And I have sooooooo much candy. He's pretty much already forgotten all about it. Hehehe... Don't look at me like that, it's only fair. I made the kid. And I'm the one who has to deal with all-day tantrums and fussiness and wet beds and sleepless nights and all the other "joys of parenting" that they only gloss over. It's only fair I should be able to reap a little chocolate out of the deal.

...I'm nervous.

Please pray for Tate...

-Jack-

I am...

2004-10-29T14:54:00.000-04:00

...so tired. I feel so incredibly sleepy today. Ugh. I have lots to say, and I'd love to blog, but I'm running late and have to get back to work. I just want to say... that the wave seems to be ebbing for the moment, but it will return when I see him again.

Hopefully he won't show up... Mark your calendars, people... Next friday night, a week from tonight. Let's hope he doesn't show up.

-Jack-

Where Heart and Mind Collide...

2004-10-25T15:12:00.000-04:00

...in an epic attempt to beat the living crap out of each other. That's where I am right now. I'm so sick and tired of my heart. I mean, I have seriously had it. I do NOT want a relationship, I do NOT want to date, I do NOT want to have some "special someone" blah blah BLAH. I simply Do. Not. Want. It.

Period.

And then... there's my flippity, floppity, wishy-washy, good-for-nothing "heart". Or whatever that part of me is that falls for guys and daydreams and drives me absolutely NUTS. I hate it. I told Ames this weekend that I wish I could just find the stupid switch and shut it off. I develop "crushes" like some kind of 13 year old. I'll be 26 tomorrow. So when exactly am I supposed to grow out of this? Because I've seriously had it...

In other news... Julie has a survey y'all should go check out. It's research for her new book on marraige.

If you've found your switch, please help me find mine.

-Jack-

Defined.

2004-10-18T20:58:00.000-04:00

So I've been thinking... And I don't even think I can fully articulate it yet... But I have been thinking.

Why is it that people who struggle with same sex attraction define themselves as homosexuals? Before you get your backs up, let's expand on this. Ok, scratch that. You can get your backs up all you want, I'm going to keep going. I hope you'll join me:

Say I feel tempted to slip earrings in my pocket when I'm at the mall. Does this make me a thief? Say I feel tempted to do it every single solitary time I go to a store. Does this make me a thief?

No.

So why then does someone who is tempted with attraction to someone of the same sex feel that it is necessary to define themselves as gay, and defend that definition with zeal?

My thoughts are most specifically focused on people who exhibit three specific characteristics:
1) They believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God.
2) They believe that a homosexual lifestyle/homosexual behavior is sin.
3) They struggle with same sex attraction.

I'm talking about Christians who struggle to pull themselves out of or avoid the homosexual lifestyle, people for whom this is a real and difficult struggle, people who desperately want to live the life that God has for them. And yet... they consistently and aggressively define themselves as gay. And they defend themselves as gay with gays for gays by gays, etc etc etc. They identify only with the typical gay culture, from what I see--however they or I see it... And it baffles me. It really truly baffles me.

There is a difference between struggling with sin and temptation, struggling against your fleshly desires... and just giving in to it all and living in open rebellion against God. And yet, from the way they come across to me, these men and women are aligning themselves with those very people by definition. Even if they have "given in" before, even if they have "fallen down" or "backslid" or whatever... I've commited adultery, but I don't define myself as an adulteress... like some sort of label that seals my fate, and I just have to accept it and can never rise above it. I just don't understand. It seems like it's completely defeatist to me.

I guess the burning question in my mind is: if you don't want that for yourself, then why, intellectually, do you cling so fiercely to it? I don't mean emotionally or physically--as from personal experience I know that we often cling--emotionally and/or physically to things that are bad for us... but intellectually? I don't understand...

-Jack-

I've Been Censored.

2004-10-15T15:04:00.000-04:00

... well, that is to say I've censored myself. This is the first time I've ever deleted posts or comments, so don't get your panties in a bunch--I doubt it will ever happen again. I didn't pick and choose which ones could stay and which couldn't, I just chucked them all--so it's all fair.

I don't understand why we get encouragement and love and grace when we are feeling sad or distraught or alone or afraid or any other emotion/feeling/whatever... but if we feel frustrated or angry, that's just a no-no and people get bent out of shape at us and judge us. Seriously, what's up with that? And if all you're going to offer in response is more of the same, then don't bother.

None of my frustration is necessarily directed at any one or more of the readers/commenters here. I'm just frustrated in general.

-Jack-

Woops...

2004-10-14T19:53:00.000-04:00

So yeah, I forget that the people who were reading my blog 6 months ago are not necessarily the only people reading my blog now. My bad. Props to Nick for reminding me. So yeah, for anyone who doesn't know why my dad marrying his old secretary doesn't thrill me right now, go to my archives over there on the side and have a look at February. It was not, all in all, a good month for me... and it wasn't very long ago.

***The remainder of this post has been deleted by the blog owner, as have all related comments***

-Jack-

Say wha??

2004-10-14T15:06:00.000-04:00

So I finally post, at the urging of the masses... and no one comments? Sheesh. Just kidding. Things are just so odd and off right now, I don't even know where to begin. Please be praying for Tate--we have an appointment with the E-N-T doc tomorrow morning at 8am Eastern. I'm a wreck.

Oh, and send lots of mental birthday cards to my little brother--he turns 16 today (but praise God that he doesn't have his license yet. I fear for the public...).

Anyway... Oh my gosh, I'm going to turn 26 this month. I'M SO OLD!!!!!!!!! Ugh. Well, in the whole scheme of things, my birthday is not very important right now. I've got much bigger problems in my life, as you guys are acutely aware...

Oh yeah... and then there's that other horrible news I meant to tell you. My dad told me he's planning on marrying his old secretary this summer. Isn't that nice? Yes, and he asked me if I was ok with that, and wants me to be honest... What else do you say??? Ugh... I cannot even go there right now.

Is this suffering??

-Jack-

The Happenings

2004-10-12T14:59:00.000-04:00

There really aren't many. Heh. All is well with Ames, so that's a totally super huge massive mega relief. And you know, sometimes she's just way too insightful and she dredges up things that I don't even know are affecting me. I suppose that's just another reason I love her...

Seriously, not much is happening. I'm just sort of drifting right now, trying to decide whether or not I should take some time off from the worship team at church. I've had two very hard-to-swallow conversations in the past week. The second was the one with Amy I alluded to up there. The first one was with Debbie. She rocks. She and Sam (my drummer) are the surrogate parents I sometimes refer to. Anyway... I don't have time to detail the conversation, but I got pretty well put in my place. Although my pride is a bit wounded, I seriously needed it, because I honestly could not see it for myself. Basically, it had to do with the resistance I've given the other leader on the team. I think I'm too fundamental right now, and I'm making it difficult for him. I'm supposed to be guiding and submitting right now, all to the same person... and I just can't figure out how to do that. So I think I need to step back from the team and let things settle, let him get used to taking control in a few areas, and then come back into a more humble position. As it is now, everytime he needs to make a decision, he goes straight to me, and then if he doesn't like my answer, it stresses him out. He's getting burnt out fast, and I don't want that to happen. And I know that I'm the source of his frustration. He's so eager to please me and everyone else that he won't just make a decision without consulting me. But consulting me causes strife among everyone.

I don't know if any of that made sense, I don't have time to explain, I have to get back to work. Hopefully I'll have a day in the next week or so to sit down and really hammer out some thoughts.

Here's a thought, though: I was reading Romans this morning on my cigarette break at work (don't start). It was talking about sharing in Christ's suffering so that we might also share in His glory... An idea sort of hit me... Right before that it's talking about dying to the flesh and letting the Holy Spirit rule our minds and not sin. Christ's suffering was not being ridiculed or rejected... it was suffering against His fleshly body. Jesus was tempted as we were but He never gave in to it. Perhaps that is the suffering he meant... in denying ourselves, our flesh, our sinful natures... Just a thought. I probably didn't expound enough, as what's running through my head is more of a novel than a paragraph, but maybe some of you will get the idea.

Ok, I gotta run. Share His suffering.

-Jack-

Emerging

2004-10-07T14:17:00.000-04:00

Just about everyone in my life senses something is wrong or that I'm withdrawing. It's a little odd. I don't think I've been behaving any differently... I don't get how people are sensing it. I mean, yeah, here on the blog, everyone knows... But the people in my daily life have nothing to notice, and yet they are... It's weird, I don't know...

So I guess I'm going to try to emerge, somewhat, from the seclusion I've imposed upon myself. I'll be perfectly honest, I don't want to. I still want to hide. But I don't have that luxury, I guess.

I don't know...

I don't even feel like blogging...

Let's see, what shall we talk about? Hmmm... I've been very tired lately. Music rehearsal was a nightmare last night. What else? Oh, we performed out at the Lake Mary Art Festival last weekend. That went... ok, I guess. I think it was the first time that most of the band had played outdoors, and the sound guys were off to the side of the stage, which was NOT a good thing... Anyway... who cares.

I think my best friend might be mad at me. I haven't heard from her since this whole crap with "Brian" occurred. I mean, we don't usually talk everyday, sometimes we'll go a couple of weeks or so without catching up... But still... I don't know... I tried to call her the other day and got her voicemail... Left a message... she hasn't called back. It's fine if she's busy and all, but I just wonder if she's upset with me about something... So now I'm afraid to call her again, in case she is mad at me, because then I don't want to bug her and make her even more aggravated or something... I don't know. Maybe I should just stop worrying about it and call her. Or maybe I should just wait til she wants to call me... I don't know... I just know I miss her.

I'm gonna head back to work now.

Love God, love others... my heart's not in the rest of it. Just Love God and others...

-Jack-

Irritable

2004-10-04T15:00:00.000-04:00

I've noticed lately that I have a short fuse. I don't like it. It's like all my patience is gone. I snap at Tate all the time... I hate it. I don't know what's going on. I just don't feel like myself, and I don't feel happy.

-Jack-

The Verdict

2004-09-28T20:42:00.000-04:00

So I've finally come to a concrete decision. Many people are going to think that I've made it for the wrong reasons... but the truth is, I've been feeling out the subject and toying with the idea, as it were, for quite some time.

I (officially) don't date. Period. I will not date (or "court" or "see" someone, "go steady" or "go out" with anyone, etc etc etc). I've been feeling a lot like Paul in terms of it all for the last few months... that marraige is good (and it really is. I believe that wholeheartedly), but a life wholly devoted to God is even better. I don't want the confliction. I don't want anything to stand between myself and God. I'm not basing this decision on past experiences (even recent past), but rather on what God is doing in me. I cannot say that said experiences don't flawlessly illustrate my inability to have a healthy relationship, I'm simply saying that they aren't the reason I came to this decision. It's just been nagging at me for months and recent events (and subsequent reflection on not-so-recent events) have just driven the point home, taking that vague nagging and turned it into a clear-as-day revelation of sorts.

I hope I'm making sense here as I put it into words. I've spoken to both my pastors (the head pastor of my church, and the man who will be the head pastor of the church plant I will be a part of). Of course, the conversations took place before this latest wretched sin o' mine. They both just sort of got that omniscient paternal look on their faces, you know the one... that "aw, isn't she just the cutest little thing you ever saw? ...making big grown-up "decisions", could she be any more naive?" and both of them proceeded to [psychologically] pat my pretty little head and dismiss the notion as childish fancy. I'm told by my "pastor-fathers" that I'm a beautiful young woman and God has someone out there for me.

If I hear that phrase again, I'll probably stick my tongue out at he who utters it. So beware. But then, they'd probably just tell me I have such a pretty tongue.

At any rate, I very levelheadedly then argued that even if He were to plant someone right smack in front of my face, I'm mature enough to realize that I have outrageous expectations that no man can live up to. My head pastor quirked a thoughtful brow and said nothing, while the church-plant pastor thought he'd challenge my statement. He said "Well, Jack, now whose fault is that?" My reply was simple.

"Jesus'. It's His fault for being so perfect. No man can live up to Him."

And then I did a mental victory lap. The church-plant pastor looked completely dumbfounded for a moment, until the head pastor literally bursted with laughter. Then we all started laughing. They still think I'm naive, but at least they know how clever I am.

It's not just clever, though. I've actually had that conversation with God... I've fallen in love with Jesus... I want a man as honorable, as true, as stoic, as noble, as loving, as sure... I've looked and I've longed... And no matter how desperately my romantic heart wants to find him or hopes that he's out there, my heart and my soul know the hard, cold fact that he simply does not exist. I want Jesus to be my husband... I want Yeshua... I want to live with Him for the rest of my days, I want to feel the warmth of His embrace, and the comfort of His presence... I want His wisdom to guide my steps, I want what He thinks is best for my life... I want Yeshua for my Master... No one else could ever compare.

And so, if He'll have me, I'd like to give myself to Him.

And incidentally, I've been wondering about how this decision will affect things in my life, and how I will relate to others... and I can say that it will hold some serious blessings... No more wondering if some guy thinks I'm attractive, or what so and so thinks of me, or what it might be like to be in a relationship with such and such... Or wondering how to avoid this guy or that... I can just be myself and lay all that down, because I have a mate, I have a Master... No more pressure... I can just be free to be myself among my brothers and sisters in the body... I can walk through my day with assurance and with peace...

There is precious freedom in the captivity of Christ...

-Jack-

Once more...

2004-09-28T15:13:00.000-04:00

... I don't know why I'm here. I gotta get back to work. Just... I don't know... Hi.

Please keep praying for me. I'm trying to get out of this.

-Jack-

Juxtaposed

2004-09-26T17:55:00.000-04:00

That pretty much describes my current state. Still a little numb. Everything is a whirlwind and everything feels out of sorts. I feel pensive. I don't know...

Jeanne is still here. We haven't lost power yet, just some flickering mostly (thanks to the guy on the corner who finally cut his tree down so that the limbs wouldn't knock out the power lines like they usually do). The damage isn't too bad over here... More shingles than ever are flying around my dad's yard, but most everything still stands here in Altamonte Springs. Just a whooooole lot of wind. The rain is even gone now too, for the most part. The wind has shown no signs of abating, but it's almost all gusts. It'll be deathly quiet for a half-second and then another 70 mph gust bustles through for 5 - 15 seconds, then almost completely still for another half to full second, then another gust.

The sustained winds are actually pretty heavy themselves, but because the gusts are so much stronger, so much more noisy, it just seems like it goes still in between them.

Anyway... I don't even know why I'm here. I don't know what to say. I'm gonna go answer some emails.

Later...

-Jack-

Ugh.

2004-09-14T18:39:00.000-04:00

I'm so tired of "update" posts. I'm tired of writing them. I want to be a real blogger again. This is supposed to be the journey of a twenty-something screw-up, not her update ticker or highlight reel.

Got a call from my bank this afternoon. The funds will be reinstated tomorrow morning. Good, now I can pay Tate's daycare.

I've been feeling isolated relationally from God lately. I think because I'm just cramming my head with His attributes and learning about Him. I'm forgetting the relationship, I'm forgetting to talk to Him, to listen to Him, to lean on Him. I've been reading The Book of God, the Bible as a novel. It's really great, actually. For the first time, I'm actually able to take in the Old Testament, something I've never had much luck with. I can read the New Testament cover to cover to cover to cover, but the Old Testament loses me in under 10 minutes. Not so now. I'm really glad for it. Now I'll be able to go to the Old Testament Scripture and see the stories of what happened then, and not get completely sidetracked with all the little things that drive me batty like such-and-such begat such-and-so, etc etc. And I'm really appreciating all the begetting like never before... Not just understanding, but appreciating. It's cool. Anyhow...

So last night I apologized to God for not talking to Him... for neglecting Him. I apologized for being so distracted. And while He had my ear, He told me again to quit smoking. And then He laid some other stuff on my heart too. One of them was a reminder of the concentric circles of His will that I touched on a while back. Some of you emailed me, wanting to know more, I think someone commented on it too. At any rate... I'm going to post on it soon. If I haven't posted on it in two weeks time, remind me, would ya? Thanks.

Ok, I'm gonna go play with my Tater-Tot. Go relate with God. :-)

-Jack-

The Saga Continues

2004-09-11T18:58:00.000-04:00

And now something is all screwed up with my bank acct, and they've charged me $480 in overdraft charges, and my deposit is taking forever to clear. So I currently have a balance of -$200. And they can't get my funds reinstated until probably Monday. But there's a good chance they won't be open Monday because of Ivan. So meanwhile, we're all supposed to prepare for the hurricane and buy gas and all that, but I have NO money. I mean NONE. Whatsoever.

Just. Flipping. Great.

Ok, God. What's the deal? I could really use a little help here. Please... I just sometimes wish God would sit me down in His office and tell me whatever it is He wants me to learn, so that I don't have to go through this stuff. But I know it's for the best. I just don't like the uncertainty.

-Jack-

I'm Here

2004-09-08T18:52:00.000-04:00

We're still here... sortof. Charley hit harder, but Frances hit longer. She didn't hit as hard, but she certainly did some damage. All in all, it wasn't too bad for us, though. Well, I say "us" like I was here... hehe... When I heard it was getting weaker and weaker, I decided to not waste the whole weekend hiding inside from an unimpressive storm and I grabbed my son and my brother (and some gas money from dad) and took off for Alabama. I went to Birmingham, primarily to see my grandfather (mom's dad), and then also to see my aunt and uncle and cousins. Good times. My older sister came over from Augusta, GA too, so we got to see her and GB (her daughter/my neice).

We were gone an extra day, as Frances decided to come up our route home. Instead of taking 20 to Atlanta and then 75 in to Florida, we took 20 into Augusta, stayed overnight, and came down 95. And 10 minutes after we got home, I was up on dad's roof replacing shingles. And 15 minutes after I got up there, Dad left to go buy more since we couldn't find many of the ones that blew off. And 1 minute after he left, I found a big honkin' hole that needed to be patched right away. And one minute after I found the big honkin' hole, it started pouring down rain. That was fun. So I was roofing in the rain. It's a good thing I don't use hairspray, or else it would have been in my eyes. I kept having to stop and yell at my hair and the rain because I couldn't see. And as soon as I ran out of tacks, and had the biggest of the holes covered, it stopped raining. That was cute. So God and I had a good laugh up on the roof.

I had a really traumatic day at work today. But I really don't want to talk about it right now or else I'll start crying again. I'm such a baby sometimes, y'know? It just really, really sucked. I got seriously chewed out by my boss (read: he cussed me out at the top of his lungs. A lot.). It was not a fun day.

Anyway, I need to go, music rehearsal starts soon.

Have fun, kids.

-Jack-

And Now For Frances

2004-09-01T14:36:00.000-04:00

Great. This is great.

Just. Flipping. Great.

We just got done with Charley, it's still not cleaned up. Massive amounts of branches still line all the streets waiting for clean-up crews to come collect them. You can barely see the houses from the street on my dad's block, because of all the yard waste waiting to be picked up. And all that's gonna go flying when Frances hits.

She's five times larger than Charley and is moving slower. The eye will bring a TWO HOUR calm, that's how slow she's going and how big she is. Hurricane force winds extend EIGHTY MILES out from her center... That's a 160-mile line of hurricane force winds. Super. Can't wait. Anyone feel like flying a poor single mom and her kid out of harm's way real quick? Heh...

When it rains, it pours... oh wait no, that's not a pour. That's a hurricane. Right.

-Jack-

Done.

2004-08-31T14:41:00.000-04:00

I am FINALLY completely moved out of my old house. YAY!!! Now I'm going to go pay all my late bills (I forgot to schedule the payments 2 weeks ago--argh, I hate late fees).

Got some bad news yesterday. Tate's been having trouble breathing at night. He tosses and turns, starts and stops breathing, wakes up over and over... Turns out his tonsils and adenoids (did i spell that right? i don't care enough right now to check) are (direct quote from doctor): "Completely out of control."

He has to have them removed. Insurance covers 80%... after a deductible... and recovery time is one to two WEEKS. All told, with lost work and all that, this could end up costing about $4000. I'm so totally screwed.

And people. This is my BABY. He's not even THREE yet and he needs SURGERY. I'm a wreck.

-Jack-

Still Alive

2004-08-23T15:00:00.000-04:00

I'm still alive. Actually, I wrote a long post the other day... Blogger decided that no one would be interested and ate it. I was seriously cheesed off. It was a bunch of little updates on how different things in my life are going. And I was so overcome with rage that I had no desire whatsoever to try to re-create it. So you'll just never know, will you? hmph.

Anyway. I only have a sec, gotta head back to work. But I wanted to check in and tell you to have no fear--Jack is still here. And still growing, too. :-)

Just Love Him.

-Jack-

Summerland

2004-08-17T18:47:00.000-04:00

Ok. It's so totally sad. I've only seen 2 episodes. I don't even know why I watch it, or how it appeals to me because some of it is so stupid. I'd never even heard of it before until I stumbled across it last week when I was bored. I don't even have cable, I just pick up a couple of channels with the rabbit ears my dad got me forever ago when I decided to forsake cable in order to spend more time doing things that actually matter. And now without an internet connection either, I have like NOTHING to do after Tate goes to bed. So I just flip around the 4 channels I get (spread all the way from channel 9 to channel 121. how stupid is that??). So at least I get Gilmore Girls again... And then there was this dumb show on called Summerland.

I'm. Totally. Hooked.

I don't even know why!! Egads. I think some of it has to do with the relationship issues that the main character is going through... at least I think she's the main character. I've only seen it two times and there are a TON of characters. Anyway... she says she has 3 kids... but I think they all call her "Aunt Ava" so I'm assuming she's their guardian, heh. At any rate, I guess she was in a relationship with this guy and they split up (don't know why) and they are still roommates (SO many people live in this house)... but anyway, she's venturing out and taking a chance and yet there's the ex in the background all the time. And EVERY time I see him I cannot help but think he is EXACTLY like Jason (Tate's dad). I mean: To. The. T. It's almost scary. He's really good looking, and you see these moments and you know he still wants her, but he's so stubborn, and then he'll forget about it and just be playing "grab-ass" (as my dad calls it) with some girls on the beach, and then Ava comes out and he sees her and he's like torn. I mean it's so pathetic, and so demeaning, and so so-many-things. And yet it's just like Jason, and I can feel my heart going out to the guy, like actually softening when he's having one of those love-lost-and-full-of-regrets moments, y'know when he's looking-longingly-at-her-while-she's-unaware kinda crap moments that are just so totally cheesy.

So yeah, I don't exactly get it, but I'm hooked on this show. And the season finale is tonight. So that's what I'll be doing at 9. At least I think it's at 9. I dunno, I'll just turn on the WB at 8 and be safe. :-) Heh...

Ok, I'll shut up now...

-Jack-

I don't even like TV!! I almost NEVER watch it!! What is up with me?

I Could Hurl

2004-08-17T14:23:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm going to throw up. I have this horrible feeling of panic and dread washing over me. I just checked in with a really tough account I've been trying to win over... The 2nd biggest dermatologist in the country. Good friends with the biggest. Landing #2 would land me #1. Everything was looking fabulous, all the pieces were falling nicely into place. I had a few aces in my hand, and one of the other reps and my supervisor were taking a trip to their University at the end of last week and would be able to swing by and solidify the deal while they were on campus. The other rep called my doc's nurse to confirm their appt for a certain time. And then my rep wasn't able to make it... and didn't bother to call... and now my nurse is seriously cheesed off. She feels completely disrespected. I'm totally flipping PANICKED. I tried to reassure her. She did say that our service looks great and if doctor wants her to use us she has no problem whatsoever sending pts through us. But she also said that she will not ever speak with or agree to meet with that rep again. Translation: she'll speak with me, and possibly someday meet with me. Period. No one else. These two accounts would have been CAKE if they had just met with her. It would have been a done deal. And they are such large accounts that my income would have DOUBLED. I'm absolutely sick to my stomach over this. It's not the money, though that is nauseating in and of itself. It's that this relationship that I had worked so hard to build is now on the verge of destruction. This woman's life is such fast-paced chaos. I could have saved her HOURS of work every week. And she was *this close* to trusting me to do it. Now all of that could be lost.

I'm totally agonizing over this. AAARRRGGGHHH. Now we have to devise some kind of plan to gain her trust again.

I'm gonna go pull my hair out.

-Jack-

Jack's Personal Growth Chart

Randomness and Birthdays

Help...

Hi...

Pause for Posterity

Stay with me

Sad...

Please wait...

Frustration, ignorance, and crumbs...

Darkness and Guilt

Unedited: A note from the author

So...

Random and Unrelated

You never cease to amaze me

Stunned...

A Letter To Scott From God

New look, same girl

Still here...

What a mess...

Not a clue

Hurricane

"Metaphorical Touch" and "Living"

Much Better Place and Reconciliation

"Friends", and why they suck

Almost

My Heart Hurts...

You're absolutely right, Pam...

uncertain

Detached

Long time, no blog

What A Great Night

Wow...

Just to let you know

Here again

Argh.

Hmmm...

She's back

Quick Update

Argh

Unsure...

So...

Epiphany

I've Been So Bad

Makin' Me Crazy

Ages... with updates

So I Went...

Easter

"Are you still alive?"

Oh Boy...

The "C" word

The Big, Cheesy (read: Fake) Hypothetical...

Hick-Speak!

The Thirst for Knowledge, and the Starvation of the Spirit

*whimper*

Despairing.

New Friends Rule!

*Pop!*

Isolated

eeeeek!!

Surviving...

One Year...

Rough

And we're back...

On Hold

Ages

Way Behind

Now that I'm cooled off...

Spittin' Mad

Question #3

Question #2

Undecided...

Now THAT is sovereignty...

Speechless...

Happy Turkey Day

Out Of Control

The "D" Word

Just Curious

Nudged Into The Not-Good

Sorry! (and updates)

Two Minutes

whimper

Pop!